Starship (2011)
Joe Walker: Up, Ensemble
Photos
Quotes
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Up : It was the final battle of the Robot War. The last push in the assault on Kronos. See, I tracked down the robots' final deposit of phason. Without it, the robots wouldn't have been able to power the Gundam Wing Zero units and the war would've been as good as ours. Taz and I, we were fighting together inside the hulking, smoking remains of Metal Gear, holding off thousands of robot Sentinels when suddenly, Taz got flanked by two of those terrible Autobots. I ran to help her, but in doing so, I let my guard down to the Sentinels. They picked me up with their tentacles and they held me spread-eagle in the air. It was then that that son-of-a-bitch Optimus Prime, he turned to me and his chest opened up and he shot me. With a circular buzzsaw. Sliced me right in half. Vertically. Like hot dog-style, not hamburger.
Bug : Oh! Oh, wow!
Up : Yeah, I survived somehow, but the entire right side of my body, it's a robot. But I wasn't sliced perfectly in half, Bug. No. See, in the heat of battle, my ample body was glazed in sweat. The sweat had plastered my nutsack to my right leg and when I got sliced in half, I lost 'em. The only thing I got left, on account of it's the left side of my body that survived, is my human heart. And now you know, Bug. I ain't got no balls, but I'm all heart. So you see, Bug, the problem is that to be a good commander, you gotta be okay with death. You can't be afraid to take a few casualties. But now, the thought of losing you or Taz or even that candy-ass Krayonder, it's just too much to take. I mean I used to be able to look at ten marines getting slaughtered and chopped to bits by angry robots and I wouldn't even blink an eye when the guts splattered on my face, but now I can't even make it through the "Sir, I wanna buy these shoes" Christmas song without crying. And I know it's a cheesy song, Bug, I know! But the mama's gonna die in it! And she's gonna meet Jesus and even have new goddamn shoes!
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Taz : Do you remember when we met at my quinceañera and you saved me from those killer robots who tried to string me up like a piñata and smash me open so they could eat my guts?
Up : I destroyed them.
Taz : That was tough. Or that time that those bullies were picking on me because I so little and I like to read and I got on your back and we chased them into the dumpster and they act like a bunch of chickens? That was tough! Or that time you taught me calculus?
[pause]
Taz : Calculus was tough!
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Up : Rangers, I want every single one of you to get back to your dormitories, right now, and take a bubble bath! We deserve bubbles on our skin.
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February : Why did you lie to me, Bug?
Bug : February, at first I just wanted to help you escape from the hatchery. But I knew I loved you the second I laid eyes on you in that mucus sac. And I didn't think I'd ever see you again, so when Pincer here gave me the chance not just to be with you, but to be one of you? I took it. But I didn't think because, uh, cause being a Starship Ranger has been the only thing I've wanted more than anything in my whole life. So I lied. But I know the truth now everybody. I... I'm not a Starship Ranger. I'm a bug. But we've got a saying on Bug World, huh? 'The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs.' Or the one bug. Never really understood that until now, so...
Up : Bug, you may be a damn bug. But you are the finest Starship Ranger that I have ever seen.
[pause]
Up : It's been an honor, to be your commander, Bug.
Bug : Thanks, Up, it's been a ride.
[pause]
Bug : February, I want you to know that even though I lied about being a bug, I meant everything else. You are the most beautiful, the funniest and... and the smartest girl I have ever met. Do it now.
February : Goodbye, Bug.
