Horrible Histories (TV Series)

Episode #3.5 (2011)

Mathew Baynton: Various

Quotes 

• Private Tommy Dawes : Private Tommy Dawes reporting for duty, Sir. Proud to be part of the British army, Sir!

  Canadian officer : Pardon, monsieur. Er, nous sommes la battalion Canadienne.

  Private Tommy Dawes : What... oh... am I in the French army trench?

  Canadian officer : Non, monsieur. Er, we are Canadien soldiers, part of ze British forces here to fight the Germans.

  Private Tommy Dawes : Oh. Where can I find the British regiment?

  Canadian officer : Er, zat way, my chum.

  Private Tommy Dawes : OK, thank you. Bit weird, but... cheers.

  [Moves on to the next officer] 

  Private Tommy Dawes : Private Tommy Dawes reporting for duty, Sir. Proud to be part of the British army, Sir.

  Australian officer : Hey, easy ya limey shark biscuit. If you're looking for the other pommie cobbers, you need to go up there and dip your lid to the bludger with the stripes.

  Private Tommy Dawes : [Loudly]  Where are the British *forces*?

  Australian officer : Eh, just hang on a tick, mate. We *are* part of the British forces, ya cheeky larakin - your lot are up there!

  Private Tommy Dawes : Alright. Thank you.

  [Moves onto the next officer] 

  Private Tommy Dawes : Private Tommy Dawes reporting for duty, Sir. Er...

  [Shuffles uncertainly] 

  South African officer : I'm guessing you're not looking for the Serth African division, moy friend?

  Private Tommy Dawes : No. No, I'm not. Do you know where the *British* part of the British forces are?

  South African officer : Er, right, yeah. You need to head down here, do a left at the West Indians, then a roight at the Gurkhas, head straight through the Indian division and stop just before you get to the New Zealanders. Alright?

  Private Tommy Dawes : Er...

  South African officer : God save the King!

  Private Tommy Dawes : Yeah, whatever.

  [Moves onto the next officer] 

  Private Tommy Dawes : Excuse me.

  British officer : [Cockney accent]  Yeah?

  Private Tommy Dawes : Is this the part of the British forces with the actual British in?

  British officer : [Cockney accent]  That's right.

  Private Tommy Dawes : Oh, thank goodness for that. I've spent the last hour looking for you lot. Turns out half the British forces are from other countries - I couldn't understand a word they were saying!

  British officer : [Cockney accent]  Well, don't worry - you're here now. OK then, collect your bumpf, your daisies and your fleabag from the devil dodger. Watch out for chats and cnuts and you should be able to avoid getting chin strapped or sent to the rest camp with a meat ticket because you're a landowner.

  [Subtitles: Collect your toilet paper, your boots and your sleeping bag from the priest. Watch out for lice and stuck-up officers and you won't get too tired or sent to the cemetery with ID tags because you're dead] 

  Private Tommy Dawes : [Confused]  Do you know what? I think I might go back to that French lot. Au revoir.