The Hangover Part III (2013)

Zach Galifianakis: Alan

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Alan : Nothing worse than losing your phone.

  Stu : You just saw a man get murdered. Your brother-in-law is kidnapped. You sure there's nothing worse?

• Phil : [Struggling to climb down a rope off the roof of Caesar's Palace]  Agh. I'm okay.

  Alan : Hey, Phil!

  Phil : What's wrong?

  Alan : Hold on a second.

  [Gets out phone to take a picture] 

  Alan : Kick yourself out a little bit.

  Phil : Alan...

  Alan : Stay still!

  Phil : Alan!... Did you get it?

• [from trailer] 

  Alan : My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is perfect!

  [causes a car crash] 

• Phil : Hey, what's your password?

  Alan : Hey Phil?

  Phil : Yeah?

  Alan : No, that's it.

  Phil : What?

  Alan : That's my password. Hey Phil.

• Phil : Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.

  Alan : Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.

  Phil : Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.

  Stu : No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.

  Alan : Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

• Alan : You don't get it Stu. You. Just. Don't. Get It. I have over 60 apps on that phone. Do you know how much time and manhours it would take to redownload those apps?

• Alan : You know what, guys. You can go ahead without me. There's something I need to do.

  Stu : Do you even know how to get home?

  Alan : Of course I do. I'm a grown man. I'll ask a stranger.

  Phil : Good luck, Alan. We'll see you soon.

• Alan : When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt.

  Mr. Chow : Yeah, that's the point! It's funny!

• Alan : I saw it in a porno-graphy.

• [the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite] 

  Stu : [sees he has implants]  I have boobies now!

  Cassie : [laughs]  Oh my God...

  Phil : [laughs]  Holy shit!

  Stu : It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?

  Alan : The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...

  [Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword] 

  Mr. Chow : [laughs]  We had a sick night, bitches!

  [the monkey jumps back on Stu] 

• Marshall : [about Chow]  He fucked me in the ass!

  Alan : Oh, he does that from time to time.

  Marshall : Not literally.

• Alan : Leslie, get down from there! Please, you're gonna hurt yourself!

  Mr. Chow : Nothing hurts Chow. I am invisible!

  Phil : It's invincible, and you're not, you're just out of your fucking mind!

• Marshall : Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.

  Phil : But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!

  Marshall : Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.

  Alan : Can you take Stu instead?

  Stu : Fuck you, Alan!

• Sid : [on the phone]  Yes, sir. Absolutely, I will. Thank you so much. No, of course. No no and again, I'm so sorry.

  [hangs up the phone and sits down with Alan] 

  Sid : That was the mayor, Alan.

  Alan : It was an accident.

  [pause] 

  Alan : You'd said you'd always love me no matter what I did.

  Sid : I know and I do. You're my best friend, but Alan, why would you buy a giraffe?

  Alan : I always wanted one. I can feed him from my treehouse. Besides, they remind me a lot of myself.

  Sid : In what way?

  Alan : They're majestic, pensive, and tall.

  Sid : Pensive.

  Alan : Yeah!

  Sid : Where'd you learn that word?

  Alan : Words with Friends.

  Sid : What friends, Alan?

  Alan : You can set it on random.

  Sid : [sighs]  Alan, aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't wanna know the cheques I had to write to fix this.

  Alan : Oh please, we're rich!

  Sid : We are not anything, Alan. I am well-off. You are my 40-year-old son...

  Alan : I'M 42!

  Sid : 40...

  Alan : I'M 42!

  Sid : 42-year-old son who still lives at home. You are to go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off.

  Alan : You're bluffing. When's dinner?

  Sid : Your mother and I can't take this any more!

  Alan : Oh, you might have to.

  Sid : I can't do it! I cannot do this!

  [Alan puts on Dre Beats, listening to "My Life" by Billy Joel, as his father has a heart and his mother and nanny panics] 

  Linda : ALAN! ALAN!

• Tyler : Are you my real dad?

  Alan : [after a long pause]  Yes.

• Alan : She's my soulmate and my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.

  Phil : Oh my God.

  Doug : Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again.

  Alan : Chillax, Doug. We're all adults here. I know you mount my sister. I've seen it. Many times.

• Phil : No that's perfect, that's like a three hour drive from here.

  Alan : Yeah Stu, try reading a map.

  Stu : Yeah Alan, try reading... anything... ever.

  Alan : Yeah Stu, try having not such big horse teeth.

• Alan : Did you know your name used to be Carlos? I think it suits you better.

• Stu : You just saw a man get murdered, your brother in law is kidnapped. Are you sure there is nothing worse?

  Alan : You don't get it Stu. You just don't get it do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you know how much time and man hours it would take to redownload those apps?

  Stu : [Sarcastically]  You are right. I didn't think about that, thank you.

• Alan : Mother! Oreo smoothie, now!

• Sid : [Sid throws down the phone]  That was the Mayor, Alan.

  Alan : It was an accident. You said you love me no matter what I did.

  Sid : I know and I do. You're my best friend but Alan why would you buy a giraffe?

  Alan : I always wanted one! Could feed him from my tree house. Besides they remind me a lot of myself.

  Sid : In what way?

  Alan : They're majestic. Pensive and tall.

  Sid : Pensive?

  Alan : Yeah!

  Sid : Where did you learn that word?

  Alan : Rhymes with friends.

  Sid : What friends Alan?

  Alan : You can say it on random.

  Sid : Alan aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't want to know the checks I had to write to fix this!

  Alan : Oh please! We're rich!

  Sid : We're not anything Alan! I am well off! You are my 40 year old son...

  Alan : 42!

  Sid : ...42 year old son who still lives at home! You either go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off!

  Alan : You're bluffing. When 's dinner?

  Sid : You're mother and I can't take it anymore!

• Alan : [delivering a eulogy]  I can't believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I would rather have died first, like my mother.

• Phil : I was just talking to Cassie. She's an amazing woman.

  Alan : Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman. I find her much better than your wives.

• Alan : Hey, Stu. I don't enjoy talking to you that way. I don't know why you insist on making me blow my top. We've been on a lot of adventures together. But it seems like you haven't learned anythin. Anythin!

• Alan : I almost died Phil!

  Phil : Come on! I was not going to let you go you're my boy!

  Alan : And you're my man!

• Phil : [to Alan while driving the Wolf Pack to Arizona]  You know I meant to tell you earlier. That's a very cool vest you got on.

  Alan : Thanks Phil it was my Dad's. He died in it.

  Stu : Whoa! That's intense!

• [last lines] 

  Alan : I'm ready.