Mathew Buck: Film Brain

Quotes 

• Film Brain : Christmas is all about the material trappings, and not conforming to this is selfish.

• Film Brain : Seriously, man the fuck up.

• Film Brain : So the film starts with Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis in bed, looking miserable. I think this is probably because they just saw the script.

• Film Brain : Also, get used to everyone hysterically overacting to this. Apparently skipping Christmas is like revealing you're a Nazi.

• Film Brain : M. Emmet Walsh, what the hell are you doing here? Isn't there a Coen Brothers movie you should be doing?

• Film Brain : Gah! It's Max Headroom! No, it's Tim Allen doing a painfully stupid gag about botox injections. Wasn't the whole point of this to save money?

• Nora : Blair is never going to know about your stupid, ridiculous, childish scheme of skipping Christmas.

  Film Brain : Isn't that nice? If you go on a cruise for Christmas, you're stupid, childish and ridiculous. Happy holidays!

• Film Brain : Luther is sent to get the tree, but there's only one left. The one he hit with his car.

  Luther : How much is it?

  Scout Leader : $75.

  Luther : The sign says $15.

  Scout Leader : Supply and demand. The scouts sure could use your $75 donation for their camping trip, Mr. Krank.

  Film Brain : Stick it up their ass and go somewhere else. I'm pretty sure that's not the only tree around. So, Luther buys the tree because he's an idiot.

• Luther : Thanks, Spike.

  Film Brain : Thanks, Spike? I think the first thing I'd say is, "hey, Spike, wasn't it nice of you to ditch me when the cops arrived?"

• Nora : [shouts excitedly]  Can I buy your ham?

  Film Brain : Yes, you crazy bitch, just please don't scream at me again.

  Nora : Your ham, see, it's the last one and my daughter Blair she's... in the Peace Corps and I'd be willing to pay anything above sticker price.

  Film Brain : It's okay, dear, the men in white coats are coming to get you.

• Luther : So where's the Hickory Honey Ham?

  Nora : [seething with fury]  Never... say... Hickory Honey Ham again.

  Film Brain : [thunderclap]  Okay, okay, just don't scream.

• Film Brain : So Blair calls again, and I love how we neither see nor hear her during the conversation. Not so much a character, so much as a plot device, hmm?

• Frohmeyer : Guys, you better go to the airport.

  Officer Salino : Why's that?

  Frohmeyer : Blair needs a ride home.

  Officer Salino : I don't know if we can do that.

  Frohmeyer : [narrows his eyes and sounds serious]  Should I call the chief?

  Film Brain : Who would tell you that they are the police, not a goddamn taxi service.

• Film Brain : [as Luther is setting up Frosty by himself]  Why couldn't he just ask the neighbors who wanted to celebrate Christmas with them to help? Um... because Luther's an idiot?

• Frohmeyer : We're a community, and the people in a community stick together.

  Film Brain : Which is why you accepted the Kranks' plans even if you didn't agree... oh, wait.

• Frohmeyer : Why should the daughter pay for the sins of the father?

  Film Brain : Going on a cruise for Christmas is a fucking sin now?

• Officer Treen : What was that about time?

  Officer Salino : Er... crime. Possible, um, domestic disturbance.

  Film Brain : Because that's what I want to think about at Christmas.

• Luther : We spent $6,100 on Christmas last year.

  Film Brain : Holy shit balls! Who spends that sort of money on Christmas? Luther must be made of money. How much does he earn? Does he, like, buy all new decorations every year?

• Film Brain : The film stars Tim Allen, the perennial Christmas favorite.

  [rolls eyes] 

• Film Brain : Luther then types out a letter which he sends to every single employee that he will not be celebrating Christmas. Okay, who does this? At all? I mean really, Luther, you're not the first person to go on holiday for Christmas. Stop being a cock about it!

• Film Brain : [the Kranks are at a tanning salon. Nora is in a revealing bikini]  My God, Jamie Lee Curtis IS a woman. The rumors were false. Luther comes out, and well, if there's one thing I didn't want to see, it's Tim Allen's bulging sac of presents.

• Luther : We made the front page.

  Film Brain : The front page? The front PAGE? What sort of world is this movie living in? News flash! People go on holidays for Christmas!

• Film Brain : Oh right, I forgot, they can't call the police because Luther pissed them off. You know, because the police force in this city apparently consists of only two people.

• Film Brain : [imitating Schwarzenegger]  I need to get da Turbo Man, I mean, da ham! Out of my way, Sinbad... I mean, woman!

• Film Brain : So it's Christmas Eve and the Kranks are getting packed for their vacation. However, Blair calls home with some news.

  Blair : I'm in Miami and I'm coming home for Christmas.

  Luther , Nora : What?

  Film Brain : But that's not all.

  Blair : I'm with Enrique, he's Peruvian. He's asked me to marry him.

  Luther , Nora : What?

  Blair : And I really want to.

  Film Brain : Holy crap, girl, slow down a bit!

  Blair : He wants to have a house full of kids.

  Film Brain : Really, REALLY slow down a bit.

• Film Brain : Come on, wring that sympathy. Wring it hard!

• Film Brain : But look here, the token black family is coming to visit relatives for Christmas.

• Wes : You break one ornament, we're both dead.

  Luther : I'll leave it just like I found it.

  Film Brain : Of course he won't break any ornaments. That would be too predictable. So Luther enlists the aide of Frohmeyer's son, Spike, to help move the tr...

  [ornament breaks] 

  Film Brain : Dammit, I did not see that one coming. You know what else I didn't see coming? A neighbor thinking he's robbing the house. I love being able to get to plot points before they happen, it reminds me of how creative we all really are.