Mass Effect 3 (2012 Video Game)

Seth Green: Jeff 'Joker' Moreau

Quotes 

• Garrus Vakarian : All right, my turn. What's the first order an Alliance commander gives at the start of combat?

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Uh... I give up.

  Garrus Vakarian : [laughs]  Correct!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Hohoho, all right, big guy. What do you call it when a turian gets killed by a horrible spiky monster?

  Garrus Vakarian : Friendly fire. Come on, that one goes back to Shanxi.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Eh, you gotta respect the classics.

  Garrus Vakarian : How many humans does it take to activate a dormant mass relay?

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Six hundred and two. Six hundred to vote on it, one to ask the asari for technical help, and one to request a seat on the Council afterward. How do you know when a turian is out of ammo?

  Garrus Vakarian : He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon. Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : You're shitting me! The turian military has one about me?

  Garrus Vakarian : Oh, absolutely. I heard it myself from a private back on Palaven.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : All right, why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?

  Garrus Vakarian : So their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : [laughs]  Damn, you need to tell James that one. Hey, what's the hardest part about treating a turian who took a rocket to one side of his face?

  Garrus Vakarian : Figuring out which side took the rocket.

• Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : So, Thessia, huh? I guess the Asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now. Too soon?

  Commander Shepard - Male : In case you haven't noticed, we just lost a few million people! This isn't the time!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : You see this? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there, so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware that there's a war on, Commander!

  Commander Shepard - Male : So why the jokes?

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus ten thousand Batarians trying to kill you! And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you. The guy leading the resistance - on EARTH! - is worried about you! And I'm supposed to help!

  Commander Shepard - Male : I appreciate the thought, Joker. But I'm fine!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : The hell you are! You're like half-robot at this point... no offense, EDI... and it's my fault! When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave, because you had to come back for me!

  Commander Shepard - Male : Couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Yeah, well... I guess that would've looked bad on your report.

  Commander Shepard - Male : Come on. We've got work to do.

• EDI : You'd just introduced me as your personal assistance mech.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Yeah, that was the only way to get you inside.

  EDI : But you know I am not one. Why deceive others?

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : You don't want to really introduce yourself as an AI with Reaper-based code. They would... lynch you.

  EDI : That would be an inefficient way to render me nonfunctional.

• Dr. Liara T'Soni : Joker, really, I have work to do!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Come on it is just a simple question.

  Dr. Liara T'Soni : Then look it up on the extranet.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : You can't believe everything you find on there. It's more reliable to ask a friendly asari.

  Dr. Liara T'Soni : I'm not telling you if my 'hair tentacles' move!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Fine. Deny me the answer I've been seeking for years, With this war on, we could die any second you know...

  Commander Shepard - Male : [Support Joker]  You know he's going to keep bothering you until you tell him.

  Dr. Liara T'Soni : [sighs]  They're semi-flexible cartilage based scalp-crests that grow into shape. And they don't 'flop around'.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Yes! Thanks, Liara. I gotta tell Vega I was right.

  Dr. Liara T'Soni : Well at least he's making friends.

• Commander Shepard - Female : What's on your mind, EDI?

  EDI : The destruction of the Reaper on Tuchanka. It is rare for a technologically superior force to be destroyed by such an inferior one.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Great, so now all we need is a gun that fires Thresher Maws.

  EDI : [doesn't react at all] 

  Commander Shepard - Female : ...that was a joke.

  EDI : I'm sorry, Shepard. I was contemplating.

• Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Hey, Jack, now that you're military, you gonna wear a uniform? Or are you just getting the officer's bars tattooed on?

  Jack : Screw you, f... flight lieutenant.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Uh... what the hell was that?

  Kahlee Sanders : Jack promised to watch her language in order to maintain the necessary professionalism we need from our teachers.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : What, does she have a swear jar or something? 'Cause I'll bet if we emptied that thing, we could afford another cruiser.

  Jack : Cover your ears, kids. Hey, Joker, f-

  [scene cuts away] 

• Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : I'm sorry about Mordin.

  Commander Shepard - Male : He was a good man.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Yeah, he was always running those tests. One time, he tagged me in the middle of the night to ask how many livers humans had. And this bump on my elbow? He said it was just mild bone deformation, but I'm pretty sure he stuck a probe in there.

  Commander Shepard - Male : Glad it was just your elbow.

• Commander Shepard - Male : Geth don't use windows, remember? Structural weakness.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Oh yeah, I bet the Geth are all sitting around saying "The organics would *never* try the no-windows thing twice".

• Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Hey, Commander! Check out my new copilot!

  Commander Shepard - Male : So she installed herself into the new body without any help from you?

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Come on, Commander. Don't you trust me? Okay, let me put it this way: if I knew EDI was gonna install herself into a sexy robot body, do you honestly think I'd be able to keep quiet about it?

  [gesturing towards EDI] 

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Look at that! I would've baked a cake!

  EDI : I am right here, Jeff.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Yes you are, EDI. Yes you are.

• Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Hey, Commander, y'know I had my doubts about the Council, but after years of ignoring your warning, they're finally willing to step up and tell us they just can't help. Did they at least validate our parking?

• Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : I miss the days when Cerberus was just *hilariously* incompetent. You know, when you two ran things.

  Jacob Taylor : Excuse me?

  Miranda Lawson : The only thing I was in charge of was the Lazarus Project, which, you will note, was very successful.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Hey, Commander, this is Cerberus. We were studying some rachni, and they got loose and killed all our guys. Can you take care of that? It's one system over from where we hooked some guy up to the geth, who then got loose and killed all our guys.

  Commander Shepard - Male : They did rack up quite a body count. At least back then, it was usually their own bodies.

  Jacob Taylor : We knew some cells were bad, but the Alliance and the Council weren't doing anything. And we were doing good work.

  Kasumi Goto : [briefly uncloaks on the floor, doing sit-ups]  And crunches. Lots of crunches.

  Commander Shepard - Male : Hey. Not okay, Kasumi.

  Miranda Lawson : But we did bring Commander Shepard back.

  Commander Shepard - Male : And after taking down the Collectors, I cut ties with Cerberus, got loose, and started killing all their guys.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : For which we thank you.

  EDI : Jeff, do you remember that I am also a Cerberus project?

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Aw, crap...

• [Joker challenges Cortez to a drinking contest] 

  Lieutenant Steve Cortez : You're in for a rough time, Moreau. Vega and I are neck-and-neck when it comes to holding liquor.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Oh, yeah? Here we go, shot one.

  [Cortez takes the shot] 

  Lieutenant Steve Cortez : Ugh! What the hell is that? Tastes like the north end of a southbound goat!

  Garrus Vakarian : Bad move, Cortez. He wanted the duel, and he also picked the weapon.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : I brought my own batch, bro! Three parts horse choker and one part antiseptic mouthwash.

  Lieutenant Steve Cortez : That's not even a drink!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : And yet here are our second shots... unless you wanna give up?

  Urdnot Wrex : Ah, this is all over. I'm gonna find a gun and let a few rounds off.

  Javik : I am sober enough. I will join you.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Have fun, try not to kill the neighbors. Cortez?

  Lieutenant Steve Cortez : [sighs]  Gimme your damn horse choker.

  [takes the shot] 

  Lieutenant Steve Cortez : Mother of God, you are going nowhere near the shooting range, just make it stop!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Yeah, I think we're done here.

• [Shepard finds Joker trying to score free drinks at the bar] 

  Asari Bartender : I was here when Cerberus attacked, and I don't remember seeing you. I think I caught a glimpse of Commander Shepard fighting over by the elevator bay, though.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Well, yeah, Shepard was protecting the Council, but I had my own problems to deal with. You see, I was down by the docking bay near C-Sec headquarters...

  [dream dissolve to the docking bay, with Cerberus troops everywhere] 

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : [imitating a Cerberus trooper in a mock-evil voice]  Ha-ha! Commander Shepard is chasing the Council! This is our chance!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : [normal voice]  Oh, shit! Cerberus!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : [evil voice]  Ha-ha-ha! It's Joker! He can barely walk! How's he going to stop us? Ha-ha!

  [Joker climbs into an Atlas mech] 

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : [in a deep, gritty voice]  Like this. It's jokin' time.

  [he obliterates most of the Cerberus troops with ease] 

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : [evil voice]  Oh, we were fools to underestimate Joker! Oh, no!

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : [gritty voice]  Yes. You were.

  [continues killing Cerberus troops] 

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : That's right! You just landed on the Island of Doctor Me!

  [dream dissolve back to the present] 

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : ...and that's pretty much how it happened. Which is why you should comp my drinks.

  [beat] 

  Asari Bartender : No.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Aw, come on!

  Asari Bartender : I barely believe what they're saying about Shepard. You? I don't think so.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Okay, trying not to be offended there. Look, if Shepard were here -

  [notices Shepard standing behind him] 

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Uh, Shepard. Hi.

  Commander Shepard - Female : [Paragon option]  I'm Commander Shepard, and I'll vouch for my pilot. Jeff Moreau is a hero. Everyone in this room owes him their lives, myself included.

  Asari Bartender : [apologetically]  I'm so sorry, Commander. I had no idea. Drinks are on me, Lieutenant.

  Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Uhhh... thanks, Commander.

  Commander Shepard - Female : You can pay me back later.