Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Dead from the Waist Down (2010)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jake Harper : I had no interest in college until a few days ago.

  Alan Harper : What changed?

  Jake Harper : I saw this video called "Topless Co-eds of the Big Ten", and I decided I need to go to college.

  Alan Harper : You expect me to pay thirty, forty thousand dollars a year so you can meet drunk girls who lift their shirts?

  Jake Harper : Yes, please.

• Alan Harper : Do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?

  Charlie Harper : That's not me. That's genetics and barber school haircuts.

• Alan Harper : When Alan Harper sets his mind to something, just stand back and watch it happen.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah, right. Cue the theme from "Rocky".

• Charlie Harper : [Looking at the pearls Alan has purchased for Lyndsey]  You got these at the mall?

  Alan Harper : Well, in the mall parking lot.

  Charlie Harper : You bought pearls from a guy in a parking lot?

  Alan Harper : Not 'a guy'. A Tahitian wholesaler. You have any idea what the mark-up is on these things? By eliminating the middleman, I saved a fortune!

  Charlie Harper : You sure about that?

  Alan Harper : Don't worry, they're real. I have a certificate of authenticity.

  Charlie Harper : [Reading the certificate]  The word "authentic" doesn't have a "K" in it!

  Alan Harper : It's the man's second language, Charlie!

• Charlie Harper : You stole diamonds from your ex-wife?

  Alan Harper : Yeah.

  Charlie Harper : Kudos!

  Alan Harper : I don't even know how it happened. It was like I was in a dream, and my hands belonged to someone else.

  Charlie Harper : I have that same dream all the time. Except in mine, the hands *do* belong to someone else!

  Alan Harper : I'm a good man, Charlie. I play by the rules. This isn't me.

  Charlie Harper : Sure it is. You made up your mind that you'd get Lyndsey a nice birthday present. The only part that *isn't* you, is that you succeeded!

• Alan Harper : [Adjusting Lyndsey's hair so Judith won't see her earrings]  I love it when your hair is down. It's so sexy.

  Dr. Herb Melnick : He's right, it is!

• Alan Harper : [to Lyndsey, about Judith]  Can you believe I was married to that bitch?

• Alan Harper : You whine and moan about not having enough money to buy decent clothes for our son, and yet, somehow, there's enough for you to go out and have a big fancy dinner!

  Judith Melnick : What?

  Alan Harper : Are you suddenly hard of hearing? Or are you just allergic to the truth?