Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Dead from the Waist Down (2010)
Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper
Quotes
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Alan Harper : Do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?
Charlie Harper : That's not me. That's genetics and barber school haircuts.
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Charlie Harper : If I should come home some night to find you on a chair with a rope around your neck because you can't bear another moment of your pathetic life, I give you my word, I will kick the chair.
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Alan Harper : When Alan Harper sets his mind to something, just stand back and watch it happen.
Charlie Harper : Yeah, right. Cue the theme from "Rocky".
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Charlie Harper : [Looking at the pearls Alan has purchased for Lyndsey] You got these at the mall?
Alan Harper : Well, in the mall parking lot.
Charlie Harper : You bought pearls from a guy in a parking lot?
Alan Harper : Not 'a guy'. A Tahitian wholesaler. You have any idea what the mark-up is on these things? By eliminating the middleman, I saved a fortune!
Charlie Harper : You sure about that?
Alan Harper : Don't worry, they're real. I have a certificate of authenticity.
Charlie Harper : [Reading the certificate] The word "authentic" doesn't have a "K" in it!
Alan Harper : It's the man's second language, Charlie!
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Charlie Harper : I just got outsmarted by Mr. Potato Head.
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Charlie Harper : You stole diamonds from your ex-wife?
Alan Harper : Yeah.
Charlie Harper : Kudos!
Alan Harper : I don't even know how it happened. It was like I was in a dream, and my hands belonged to someone else.
Charlie Harper : I have that same dream all the time. Except in mine, the hands *do* belong to someone else!
Alan Harper : I'm a good man, Charlie. I play by the rules. This isn't me.
Charlie Harper : Sure it is. You made up your mind that you'd get Lyndsey a nice birthday present. The only part that *isn't* you, is that you succeeded!