House M.D. (TV Series)

Two Stories (2011)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

Photos 

Quotes 

• Colleen : I clearly didn't lead him along or anything like that, which proves that I'm not a tease. So why is your girlfriend mad at you?

  Dr. Gregory House : I'm getting a kind of bossy vibe.

  [to Zach] 

  Dr. Gregory House : I take it you're into that?

  Colleen : [to Zach]  Don't answer.

  [to House] 

  Colleen : Your turn.

• Dr. Gregory House : Who put sand in her vagina?

• Dr. Gregory House : Who password protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?

  Martha Masters : Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes.

• Dr. Eric Foreman : [House talks his story in a school's Career Day]  Just got a case from the ER. Rutgers student came in with what looked like acute bronchitis. But there's nothing in his blood or sputum cultures.

  Dr. Gregory House : Don't you think it's time you people stop looking to the white man to solve all your problems?

  Dr. Eric Foreman : His O2 sats are in the toilet. If we don't figure out what's attacking his...

  Dr. Gregory House : So figure it out. I'm busy.

  Sophie : That can't be true.

  Dr. Gregory House : Why not?

  Sophie : 'Cause if he was dying... I mean, you're a doctor.

  Dr. Gregory House : Patients die every day. Not all of them are interesting.

• Dr. Gregory House : You got a problem with that?

  Brett : Uh yeah. Actually, I do. You barge into our room. Start looking through our personal private stuff, demand I hack into a computer that I can safely assume doesn't be -

  [House fires a shot into the couch] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? Please continue, you were talking about personal privacy. You finished? Allow me to retort.

• Colleen , Dr. Gregory House : Why would they hid something that could be killing them?

  Dr. Gregory House : Because they are morons. They're all morons, and everybody lies.

• Ms. Urwin : Wait. So you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?

  Dr. Gregory House : ...Well, when you say it like that - yes.

  Female Lawyer : Looks like you're the moron.

• Dr. Gregory House : [House talks his story to Colleen and Zach]  She recently got the thin envelope from her first choice preschool. But it turns out, it was her fake first choice because she was convinced she couldn't get her kid into her actual first choice without a substantial donation or an inside connection.

  Sanford Wells : If it's Brye Park, I'm afraid she's right.

  Zachary Taylor : Wait, that's our school.

  Colleen : What other school would he be talking about?

  [to House] 

  Colleen : Just finish the story.

  Dr. Gregory House : You know, I gotta tell you, there's bossy, which can be sexy, and then there's bitchy...

  Colleen : Finish the story.

  Dr. Gregory House : [resumes his story]  You obviously know this because you're on the school board, which puts you on the inside and being the CEO here obviously connects you to Cuddy.

  Sanford Wells : Well, if we're so connected, why isn't she the one asking?

  Dr. Gregory House : Because she thinks it's wrong to use connections to cut in line. I don't.

  Sanford Wells : I might be able to help.

  Dr. Gregory House : Fantastic.

  Sanford Wells : But I could use a favor as well.

• Dr. Gregory House : Oh grow up. If porn was bad why would there be so many nuns in it?

  Dr. James Wilson : Why is she mad?

  Dr. Gregory House : I was myself which by the way she's supposed to love unconditionally.

• Dr. Hourani : I must be in the midst of a Complex Partial Seizure because I know you are *not* sitting at my desk.

  Dr. Gregory House : Sorry. Ran out of lotion in mine.

  Dr. Hourani : Get the Hell out of here!

  Dr. Gregory House : Can't. This is the only place left that Cuddy would never look for me. Still haven't found what I'm looking for yet.

  Dr. Hourani : I can tell what you're about to find is my foot in your ass!

• Ms. Fields : Dr. House, I have a question: are you insane or just stupid?

  Dr. Gregory House : Is there a third option?

  Ms. Fields : Actually, I don't think there is.

• Ms. Fields : And exactly how does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? It seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.

  Dr. Gregory House : I don't know. I just know I need to do something. I need her in my life... Do you know what it's like to actually need someone?

  Ms. Fields : Yes, I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilites. I think it's time for you to grow up.

• Dr. Gregory House : Prep him for exploratory surgery and start the betting.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : Betting?

  Dr. Gregory House : I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea.