- Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, Max is back home sleeping when...
- [suddenly, Kazaam's hand comes into frame and covers Max's face; the "Shock Horror" tone plays]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh my god! OH MY GOD! BAD TOUCH!
- [dials a number on his cell phone]
- Nostalgia Critic: 911 emergency? There's a tall man who's been stalking this kid, giving him treats, and now he's touching him while in his bed and wearing his pajamas! HURRY!
- Salt: [rapping, pointing to Kazaam] Ooh, who's the cutey over there? From another planet, don't just stare! Come over here and let me see you jiggy-jiggy jam it!
- Nostalgia Critic: Don't encourage him, you'll jiggy-jiggy regret it.
- Nostalgia Critic: Really? This is that quote-unquote "rapping genie" they were talking about? I should let you guys know that there is a huge difference between rapping and rhyming. Rapping is this.
- [shows a clip from Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Poppa" video]
- Nostalgia Critic: and rhyming is this: I saw a duck. Got a lot of luck. This movie is fucked. You see, it's very, very different.
- Nostalgia Critic: The genie doesn't believe in fairy tales.
- [leans in close to the camera]
- Nostalgia Critic: The *genie* doesn't believe in *fairy tales*.
- [bangs on screen]
- Nostalgia Critic: HELLO!
- Narrator: [opening lines, over a distant shot of the Critic running up a hill] The Nostalgia Critic could not be here today due to reasons of vengeance, but he left this video before he left for you to enjoy.
- Nostalgia Critic: If this movie was a dog, I would have it put down. If this movie was a car, I would have it impounded. If this movie was a starving young woman who pleaded with me for just a bite of my ham and salami sandwich, I WOULD KILL HER!
- Kazaam: If you got the itches for a sack of riches, no matter how avaricious, I'm the man who can grant your wishes.
- Nostalgia Critic: Bitches!
- Nostalgia Critic: You want this film to be good and I'm not jokin'? Grab yourself a J and get to smokin'! No truer words have ever been spoken. It'll seem much better once you've been tokin'! See, I can do it, too. It's not hard.
- Max's Stepdad: Listen, Max, I don't intend to take the place of your father.
- Nostalgia Critic: I just wanna be the guy who humps your mother.
- Max: What's the worst thing you've ever seen in your life?
- Nostalgia Critic: Audience.
- Audience: This movie!
- Nostalgia Critic: [while Kazaam and Max are rapping] You know, guys? Um, I was thinking rather than succumbing to what's the popular norm, I was thinking maybe you could have a real conversation. You know, nothing too deep, I'm just saying that... there's a possibility... maybe there's a personal pain that you don't want to acknowledge, that maybe you...
- [the Critic takes out a pistol and shoots it in the air; Kazaam and Max stop rapping]
- Nostalgia Critic: NOW TALK RIGHT!
- Nostalgia Critic: To err is human. TO MAKE THE WORST PIECE OF HALF-ASSED COW SHIT TO EVER STAR A BAD ACTING 7-FOOT BASKETBALL SUPERSTAR IS UNFORGIVABLE!
- Nostalgia Critic: A job? He can't get a job, he's a genie. Ha ha ha. That's pretty out there. Ha ha ha, ha... OUT OF MY HAIRY ASS!
- Kazaam: Who dares to wake me? Ain't gonna make this a mystery. Who's that sorry wannabe that disturbed my Z's?
- Nostalgia Critic: Really?
- Kazaam: Let's green egg and ham it.
- Nostalgia Critic: What?
- Kazaam: Let's green egg and ham it.
- Nostalgia Critic: What is this, Seuss Doggy Dogg? I mean, that's the *stupidest* thing I ever heard in my life! That's something an infant would say when he's just learning how to read!
- Kazaam: [to Max] You were the only friend I ever had, and when you really needed me the most, I wasn't there.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, you were kind of a douche, Kazaam.
- Max: I wish I had junk food from here to the sky!
- Kazaam: Why not? Higher than high?
- Nostalgia Critic: That's an understatement.
- Nostalgia Critic: So Max finally finds his real father, only to discover he's a musical talent agent working in the underground world of pirated music!
- [slams table]
- Nostalgia Critic: That basterdly slimeball!
- Nostalgia Critic: So Touchstone made a deal with Shaquille O'Neal to star in their latest family-friendly romp. In the movie, Shaquille plays...
- [picks up the VHS of the movie]
- Nostalgia Critic: ... and I'm quoting here...
- [reads the back of the cover]
- Nostalgia Critic: ..."A rappin' genie with attitude, who's ready for slam dunk fun!"
- [disgusted, he spits on the VHS cover]
- Nostalgia Critic: What they mean to say is that it's a corporate write-off to make a quick buck to entertain mindless port-a-dummy kids, who think that just because a man can make a decent free-throw means he can make a decent crapped-out movie like this one.
- Nostalgia Critic: What's the movie about? Well, it opens up with a wrecking ball... no doubt a metaphor for the rest of the film. It knocks over a lamp that apparently holds the genie in, which forces him to fall into a boombox, which I guess the genie decides to call his new home.