Damon Salvatore: You should really lock your door. Aw, come on, pouty. At least give me two points for ingenuity.
Elena Gilbert: Do you think this is funny?
Damon Salvatore: Yes, Elena. I find hilarity in the lengths that I have to go to to repeatedly save your life.
Elena Gilbert: What did Stef say about this?
Damon Salvatore: Pretty good laugh.
Elena Gilbert: And what did he say about Elijah still being alive?
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, that. I didn't tell him.
Elena Gilbert: Why not?
Damon Salvatore: Well, A, he can't do anything about it. And B, what I just said. Where's Bonnie?
Jeremy Gilbert: I thought she was meeting you.
Damon Salvatore: No, she's on moonstone duty and I'm on Elena patrol.
Jeremy Gilbert: And who's on Tyler Lockwood and the full moon?
Damon Salvatore: Vampire Barbie asked me if she could handle it. I said why not. Figured she'd screw up, he would bite her, then I'd be rid of two of my problems.
Elena Gilbert: Hold on, tonight's the full moon?
Damon Salvatore: Yep, but you're too occupied with your suicidal tendencies to notice. What?
Alaric Saltzman: Sheriff Forbes just declared Mason Lockwood a missing person.
Damon Salvatore: What, why?
Alaric Saltzman: Some girl from Florida showed up on the Lockwood's doorstep looking for Mason.
Damon Salvatore: What girl?
Alaric Saltzman: I don't know. But she seems to have everyone in a tizzy.
Damon Salvatore: That's not good. Where are you?
Alaric Saltzman: I'm at the grill.
Damon Salvatore: I'm on my way.
[to Jeremy:]
Damon Salvatore: Change in plans, you babysit.
[to Elena:]
Damon Salvatore: Hey you know, you should get out, enjoy the sun. Oh wait, you can't.