- Kurt Hummel: Hey! I am talking to you!
- Dave Karofsky: Girls' locker room is next door.
- Kurt Hummel: What is your problem?
- Dave Karofsky: Excuse me?
- Kurt Hummel: What are you so scared of?
- Dave Karofsky: Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?
- Kurt Hummel: Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well, guess what, ham hock? You're not my type!
- Dave Karofsky: That right?
- Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they're thirty.
- Dave Karofsky: Do not push me, Hummel.
- Kurt Hummel: You going to hit me? Do it.
- Dave Karofsky: Don't push me!
- Kurt Hummel: Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me anymore than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
- Dave Karofsky: I said get out of my face!
- Kurt Hummel: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!
- [Karofsky kisses Kurt]
- Blaine: Excuse me?
- Dave Karofsky: Hey, lady boys. This your boyfriend, Kurt?
- Blaine: Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something.
- Dave Karofsky: I gotta go to class.
- Blaine: Kurt told me what you did.
- Dave Karofsky: Oh yeah? What's that?
- Kurt Hummel: You kissed me.
- Dave Karofsky: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Blaine: It seems you might be a little confused, and that's totally normal. This is a... a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you're not alone.
- [Karofsky pushes Blaine against the wall]
- Dave Karofsky: Do not mess with me.
- [Kurt pushes Karofsky off]
- Kurt Hummel: You have to stop this!
- [Karofsky leaves]
- Blaine: Well, he's not coming out anytime soon.
- Blaine Anderson: I take it you're having trouble at school.
- Kurt Hummel: I'm the only person out of the closet at my school. And I... I... I tried to stay strong about it, but... there's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell. And nobody seems to notice.
- Blaine Anderson: I know how you feel. I got taunted at my old school, and it really... pissed me off. I even complained about it to the faculty, and they were sympathetic and all, but you could just tell that... nobody really cared. It was, like, "Hey, if you're gay, your life's just gonna be miserable. Sorry. Nothing we can do about it." So I left, and I came here. Simple as that. So you have two options. I mean, I'd love to tell you to just come enroll here, but tuition at Dalton's sort of steep, and I... I know that's not an option for everybody. Or... you can refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt, and you have a chance right now to teach him.
- Kurt Hummel: How?
- Blaine Anderson: Confront him. Call him out. I ran, Kurt. I didn't stand up. I let bullies chase me away, and it is something that I really, really regret.
- Kurt Hummel: It's very civilized for you to invite me for coffee before you beat me up for spying.
- Wes: We are not going to beat you up.
- David: You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of... endearing.
- Blaine Anderson: Which made me think that spying on us wasn't really the reason you came.
- Kurt Hummel: Can I ask you guys a question? Are you guys all gay?
- [Blaine, Wes, and David all share a laugh]
- Blaine Anderson: Uh, uh, no. I mean, I am, but these two have girlfriends.
- David: This is not a gay school. We just have a zero tolerance harassment policy.
- Wes: Everybody gets treated the same, no matter what they are. It's pretty simple.
- Kurt Hummel: What is your problem?
- Dave Karofsky: You talking back to me? You want a piece of The Fury?
- Kurt Hummel: The Fury?
- Dave Karofsky: That's what I named my fist.
- Kurt Hummel: Well, with that level of creativity, you could easily become assistant manager at a rendering plant.
- Dave Karofsky: I don't know what that is, but if I find out it's bad, The Fury's gonna find you.
- Shannon Beiste: I'm not gay, you know. I know I can be a little intimidating sometimes, but... deep down inside where no one can see, I'm just a girl. A-am I nuts that I just want to be reminded of that sometimes?
- Will Schuester: Well, that's what dating is for.
- Shannon Beiste: Last... date I went on, the guy was a freak. All he wanted to do was wrestle.
- Will Schuester: Well, let me help you out, then. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out...
- Shannon Beiste: No, there aren't. I'm kind of a specific type.
- Will Schuester: Well, you just got to put yourself out there, try online dating...
- Shannon Beiste: I've never been kissed, Will. It's the simplest thing. A kiss. It's a doorway to everything else, you know? Promise, hope... of a future with someone. What does that say about me? I'm 40, and I haven't even taken those baby steps yet.
- Will Schuester: What that says to me... is that you are a beautiful, amazing woman whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.
- Shannon Beiste: You really think I'm pretty, Will?
- Will Schuester: Inside and out.
- [he leans in and kisses her]
- Will Schuester: And now you've been kissed. Hey, come to the choir room tomorrow at 4:00. The guys want to apologize to you in person.
- Shannon Beiste: You tricking me into a make-out session, Schuester?
- Will Schuester: Is there anything that I could do?
- Kurt Hummel: No. This my hill to climb alone.
- Will Schuester: Can I be honest? I think it's getting to you. Usually this stuff rolls right off your back, but lately you've been belligerent, angry, pushing people away.
- Kurt Hummel: Can I be honest with you? You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lesson plans are boring and repetitive. Boys versus girls? That doesn't challenge any of us.
- Will Schuester: You mean because I didn't let you join the girls like you wanted?
- Kurt Hummel: To answer your question, yes, I'm unhappy. And yes, being the only out gay kid at this school gets me down. But most of all, I'm not challenged in the least here.
- Artie Abrams: I didn't see you in geometry today.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Jackpot. No, you didn't. I'm getting out of here. I'm skipping town, genius. My probation officer says hanging out with you isn't real community service, so if I don't spend the next six weeks picking up garbage on the highway, they're gonna send me back to juvie.
- Artie Abrams: So, what's wrong with picking up trash?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Are you serious? It's ghetto, dude. I'm not a garbage man. You know how humiliating that is? I'm not doing it, and I'm not going back to juvie.
- Artie Abrams: Why? I thought you loved it there.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Yeah? I lied. It's frickin' terrifying, dude. On the first day, three gangbangers jumped me, and before the security guys could pull them off, they'd already tore out my nipple ring. I thought I was a badass? There are some hard dudes in there. Guys with no families, guys who look at you like you're some kind of dog they can't wait to kick the crap out of. And they kept taking my waffles.
- Artie Abrams: So... you be my community service.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: What?
- Artie Abrams: I owe you. You got me a date with Brittany. You made me feel cool, which is not the easiest thing to do. I really like hanging out with you, so... let me tutor you in geometry while you pick up garbage by the highway.
- Mercedes Jones: The boys beat us last time we competed against them. We've got to bring the noise hard this time.
- Quinn Fabray: To be fair, they didn't officially beat us. We got busted for Vitamin D possession before the vote.
- Santana Lopez: Wait. Something's definitely wrong. Why isn't Rachel talking?
- Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, she should totally be bossing us around right now.
- Rachel Berry: The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite of what we normally do. I'm just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is proving nearly impossible since you're gluing those sequins on backwards.
- Quinn Fabray: I know what I heard. There we were, making out, and he said it: "Beiste". I think he was picturing making out with her.
- Sue Sylvester: That is the most horrific image I can imagine.
- Quinn Fabray: Coach, I need help. I've done everything I can to rehabilitate my image. I'm getting straight A's, dating the cutest guy at school.
- Sue Sylvester: Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Oh, dear god, why did I say that? Now that's what I'm picturing. Do you know what kind of disguisting images I'm gonna have to look at to get this out of my head? I'm gonna have to go straight to the wound care center. I'm gonna have to stare at some wounds.
- Quinn Fabray: Coach, I really don't know what to do.
- Sue Sylvester: Wait. This may the opportunity I've been waiting for. A way to get Beiste out of this school and your Macaulay Culkin stunt double back in your arms.
- Quinn Fabray: What do I have to do?
- Sue Sylvester: We need to go public with your pain. Get people talking about this, make Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. And you need to give him a piece of your mind. Loud and in public. Show him who's the boss. Oh, man. Now I'm picturing the two of them making out during an episoe of "Who's the Boss?".
- Artie Abrams: Geometry's easy, yo. There's no excuse for a guy as smart as you not to get at least a B.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I was kind of a jerk to you at Breadstix.
- Artie Abrams: Whatever. Just pay me back for the pasta.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Running out without paying was a stupid idea. If I got caught, I'd be screwed.
- Artie Abrams: You need to start hanging around someone who's a good influence on you, Puck. Give me six weeks. If you don't ace your geometry midterm, I swear I'll buy you all the waffles you can eat.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: That's dope, dude. You got a deal.
- Will Schuester: Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy, because Coach Beiste has quit.
- Finn Hudson: Wait, what? That's terrible.
- Sam Evans: Yeah, that's not what we want.
- Artie Abrams: That's the opposite of what we want. The football team was actually winning.
- Will Schuester: Well, then you'd better but your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast, because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school.
- Rachel Berry: I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?
- Finn Hudson: No, no. It's us. The boys.
- Mike Chang: And Tina.
- [everyone turns around and stares]
- Finn Hudson: We sort of figured out that picturing Beiste while making out was even better than a cold shower.
- [seeing Rachel's expression]
- Finn Hudson: I... I mean, I don't. Ever.
- Quinn Fabray: [quietly to Sam] Oh, wow. I'm sorry.
- Santana Lopez: Can I just say that this is what happens when people don't put out? If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.
- Sue Sylvester: Take a good look, William. Because Sue Sylvester's got two things to show you. To my left, I have one confetti cannon. To my right, you'll find another confetti cannon. You know what this means?
- Will Schuester: No, Sue.
- Sue Sylvester: We got Beiste fired. And my full budget is restored.
- [taking out a remote control, she presses a button and the cannons fire confetti everywhere]
- Will Schuester: Wait, what?
- Sue Sylvester: Well, actually she quit. But I'll take the "W". And it was your kids that made it happen, Will. It finally occurred to them to stop singing all that nonsense about how awesome it is to be alive or ugly or whatever the point is you guys are always trying to make. And instead? They just got mean. Congratulations, Will.
- Will Schuester: Wait. Coach Beiste quit?
- Sue Sylvester: I believe I just said that, Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm? And now, if you'll excuse me, and if you wouldn't mind just cleaning all this up, that'd be great.
- Santana Lopez: So, how does it feel to be a free man?
- Artie Abrams: All I can say is that I don't want a long-term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittany, since I'm not in love with her.
- Brittany S. Pierce: Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Not really.
- Santana Lopez: Oh.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Tell you what. You two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7:00. If we don't find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up.
- Santana Lopez: You are totally cool.
- Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.
- [the other girls stare in confusion]
- Artie Abrams: [Puck rolls him out of the room] I can't believe it. You're a genius.
- Artie Abrams: Shouldn't we be studying geometry? Aren't you failing?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: One thing I learned in juvie? Cash is king. Lets people know we're not doing it for free.
- Artie Abrams: Wait, you think people are gonna pay us to sing? I don't think busking is allowed in school.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Watch and learn, young Jedi in a wheelchair.
- Artie Abrams: [busking in the school quad] Holy crap, there's, like, 300 bucks in here.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Yeah, you really can't put a dollar amount on the value of talent plus fear.
- Artie Abrams: I can. It's about 300 bucks. What are we going to do with it?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Buy a buttload of clove cigarettes, then... I don't know.
- Will Schuester: Look, I'm not tossing the baby out with the bath water here.
- Brittany S. Pierce: I've totally done that.
- Will Schuester: We're just making an adjustment. Boys, you are now doing songs traditionally sung by girl groups. And girls, try some classic rock; uh, the Who, the Stones. The more opposite your choice, the more points you get.
- Kurt Hummel: [huddling with the boys] Don't worry, gentlemen. I have this one under control.
- Kurt Hummel: Now, obviously, for this medley to work, I'm going to have to sing lead, and, of course, when you're singing Diana Ross, Bob Mackie-esque maribou feather boas are a must.
- Artie Abrams: Isn't this lesson about opposites? I mean, you in sequined gown and feather boa is exactly what you'd expect.
- Kurt Hummel: Okay, who said anything about a gown?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Uh, dude, why don't you make yourself useful and go put some rat poison in the old folks' Jell-O, or visit the garglers?
- Kurt Hummel: The Warblers.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Whatever. See what they're up to. And you can wear all the feathers you want. You'll blend right in.
- Will Schuester: All right, guys, let's get down to business. First, let's welcome back Noah Puckerman. Puck, I hope your time in juvie has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.
- Quinn Fabray: [sarcastic] Wow, what a catch. Can't believe I ever let you go.
- Will Schuester: And now, drum roll, Finn. Because I have in my hand our competition for sectionals next month.
- [whoops and hollers from the class]
- Will Schuester: First, the a capella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.
- Santana Lopez: Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.
- Will Schuester: And the other team to beat, the Hipsters, a first-year club from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program. Now, they are a glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GEDs.
- Rachel Berry: Is that legal?
- Mercedes Jones: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good luck pat on the rear, it'll shatter her pelvis.
- Will Schuester: Since it seemed to get you guys jazzed about sectionals last year, I want to make this week our second annual boys versus girls tournament.
- [cheers from the kids]
- Will Schuester: So, split up into two groups, and figure out what songs you're going to sing.
- Rachel Berry: Okay, I have mash-up ideas in my head.
- Will Schuester: [knowing Kurt is moving towards the girls] Kurt, gonna say it again. Boys' team.
- Finn Hudson: How did we find the only two girls in high school that won't put out?
- Sam Evans: What do you do, though?
- Finn Hudson: Well, easy. I just think about the opposite of what I'm doing.
- [cut to him and Rachel making out; as he's about to climax, he remembers a car crash in his past]
- Sam Evans: I've never actually almost killed a civil servant before.
- Finn Hudson: Well, you have to find something to be your own buzzkill. You know, something that is totally not hot.
- Shannon Beiste: [yelling at Artie in the locker room] I don't care! If you're on this football team, you'll wear a cup! No exceptions!
- Finn Hudson: [quietly to Sam] Hey, you never notice that when the Beiste gets all fired up, her underpants go right up her butt?
- Shannon Beiste: ...down in your groin in that helmet? You think "The Nutcracker'"s just a musical?
- Sam Evans: [watching Beiste pull her underwear out of her butt crack] Looks like I found my mailman.
- Finn Hudson: Yes, you did.