- Santana Lopez: Hey Britt-Britt. So listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening and get our cuddle on?
- Brittany Pierce: Look. I'd really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately.
- [whispers]
- Brittany Pierce: I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone, okay? Especially Artie.
- Santana Lopez: Yea, sure, your secret is safe with...
- [cuts self off]
- Santana Lopez: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant!
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: It was only a matter of time.
- Lauren Zizes: For what?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Brittany to get pregnant.
- Lauren Zizes: Congratulations!
- Artie Abrams: For what?
- Lauren Zizes: Oh, you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're gonna be a baby daddy!
- Santana Lopez: Hi.
- Brittany Pierce: Hey.
- Santana Lopez: Can we talk?
- Brittany Pierce: But we never do that.
- Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know, but I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in Glee Club. Because it's made me do a lot of thinking. And what I realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.
- Brittany Pierce: I understand that.
- Santana Lopez: Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
- Brittany Pierce: No, not really.
- Santana Lopez: I want to be with you, but I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.
- Brittany Pierce: But, honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.
- Santana Lopez: Yea, I know, but I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that I love you. I love *you*, and I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please.
- Brittany Pierce: Of course I love you! I do! And I would totally be with you if it wasn't for Artie.
- Santana Lopez: [confused] Artie?
- Brittany Pierce: I love him, too. I don't want to hurt him, that's not right. I can't break up with him.
- Santana Lopez: Yes, you can! He's just a stupid boy!
- Brittany Pierce: But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know, if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single, I'm so yours. *Proudly* so.
- Santana Lopez: [Crying] Yeah, well, wow. Whoever thought that for being fluid, you could be so stuck.
- [Brittany tries to hug her]
- Santana Lopez: Get off me!
- Holly Holliday: Demonstration! This is a condom, which can help prevent the spread of HIV, which can lead to AIDS. And it also prevents pregnancy!
- [holds a cucumber next to the condom]
- Finn Hudson: Wait! Cucumbers can give you AIDS?
- Mercedes Jones: Seriously? 'Cause I just had them in my salad!
- Will Schuester: Artie, you okay?
- Artie Abrams: My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? How could you not tell me about this?
- Will Schuester: Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant?
- Brittany Pierce: Definitely. I am so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when it dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Umm. Babies don't get dropped off.
- Will Schuester: Wait. Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.
- Brittany Pierce: I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.
- Holly Holliday: Finn, is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via a hot tub?
- Finn Hudson: I have always been dubious.
- Burt Hummel: [Having "the talk" with his son] Now for most guys sex is, just, ya know, this thing we always want to do. Ya know, it's fun, feels great, but we're not really thinking too much about, ya know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or, ya know, how the other person feels about it.
- Kurt Hummel: Women are different?
- Burt Hummel: Only because they get that it's about something more than just the physical. Ya know, when you're intimate with somebody, in that way, you're exposing yourself, ya know, you're never gonna be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.
- Kurt Hummel: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.
- Burt Hummel: No, it's gonna be worse. Because it's two guys. With two guys you got two people who think that sex is just sex. It's gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff you're not going to want to stop. Yah just... you gotta know that it means something. You know, it's doing something... to you, to your heart, to your self esteem, even though it feels like... you're just having fun.
- Kurt Hummel: So you're saying I shouldn't have sex?
- Burt Hummel: I think on your 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself.
- [pause]
- Burt Hummel: Kurt, when you're ready, I want you to be able to... do everything. But when you're ready I want you to, use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around, like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.
- Kurt Hummel: [pause] Is that it?
- Burt Hummel: That's it, for now. Can I make you some toast?
- Kurt Hummel: I think I'll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets
- [he gathers the gay sex ed. pamphlets his father has brought home]
- Kurt Hummel: . Thank you Dad.
- Burt Hummel: You're welcome.
- [Kurt leaves. Burt sighs a deep sigh of relief]
- Emma Pillsbury: Can you please, please not tell Will about this?
- Holly Holliday: No, of course not. My lips are sealed.
- Emma Pillsbury: Thank you.
- Holly Holliday: Just like your legs. Oh. Ha! Kidding! God, that was rude, why did I say that? See, a real doctor would never have said that.
- Blaine Anderson: Are you okay? You kept making those weird faces the whole song.
- Kurt Hummel: Those weren't weird faces. Those were my sexy faces.
- Blaine Anderson: It just look like you're having gas pains or something.
- Will Schuester: We have regionals in a week, and I just wanna make sure that all the dances are what I like to call 'Finnproof'.