"Parks and Recreation" Ron and Tammy (TV Episode 2009) Poster

(TV Series)

(2009)

Nick Offerman: Ron Swanson

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Nick Offerman in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman and Amy Poehler in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman and Amy Poehler in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman in Parks and Recreation (2009) Jim O'Heir, Nick Offerman, Amy Poehler, Aziz Ansari, and Aubrey Plaza in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman, Aziz Ansari, and Aubrey Plaza in Parks and Recreation (2009) Jack Carter, Nick Offerman, and Amy Poehler in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman, Amy Poehler, and Chris Pratt in Parks and Recreation (2009) Nick Offerman in Parks and Recreation (2009)

Quotes 

  • Leslie Knope : I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy. So I was hoping that there was one that you got along with.

    Ron Swanson : No. I hate them both.

    [to camera] 

    Ron Swanson : On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

  • Ron Swanson : To exes.

    [Raises glass in toast] 

    Ron Swanson : May they always stay that way.

    [Contemplates glass] 

    Ron Swanson : Tammy is a mean person.

    Leslie Knope : Come on, Ron. You can do better than that.

    Ron Swanson : She's a grade-A bitch.

    Leslie Knope : There you go.

    Ron Swanson : Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her?

    Leslie Knope : She works for the library.

  • Ron Swanson : So, you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?

  • Ron Swanson : I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.

  • Tammy Swanson : It's really good to see you, Ron.

    Ron Swanson : You've aged horribly.

    Tammy Swanson : You... son of a bitch.

    Ron Swanson : That didn't take long.

    Tammy Swanson : [shouting]  Oh my God! What is your problem? Nothing's changed, has it? Who set the bed on fire?

    Manager : [the diner manager walks over]  Excuse me, folks.

    Ron Swanson : I DID, OKAY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?

    [to manager] 

    Ron Swanson : We're fine, we're fine.

    [Ron and Tammy sit at different booths apart from each other] 

  • Leslie Knope : Does she have any weaknesses?

    Ron Swanson : No.

    Leslie Knope : What do you mean, "no"? Everybody has a weakness.

    Ron Swanson : Not machines. I honestly believe she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

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