Glee (TV Series)

Theatricality (2010)

Chris Colfer: Kurt Hummel

Photos 

Quotes 

• Burt Hummel : Hey! What did you just call him?

  Finn Hudson : Oh, no, I didn't call him anything. I was just talking to the blanket.

  Burt Hummel : You use that word, you're talking about him.

  Kurt Hummel : Relax, dad, I didn't take it that way.

  Burt Hummel : Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people.

  [to Finn] 

  Burt Hummel : You use the N word?

  Finn Hudson : Of course not.

  Burt Hummel : How about "retard"? You call that nice girl on the Cheerios with Kurt, you call her a retard?

  Finn Hudson : Becky? No, she's my friend. She's got Down's Syndrome. I'd never call her that, that's cruel.

  Burt Hummel : But you think it's okay to come in my house and say "faggy"?

  Finn Hudson : But that's not what I meant.

  Burt Hummel : I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice we tell him to stop being such a fag, shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club, and being raised by your mom, meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kinda, you know, came into the world knowing what it's taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry Finn, but you can't, you can't stay here.

  Kurt Hummel : Dad.

  Burt Hummel : I love your mom and maybe this is gonna cost me her, but my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around.

  [turns to Kurt] 

  Burt Hummel : This is our home, Kurt.

  [turns back to Finn] 

  Burt Hummel : He is my son. Out in the world you do what you want; not under my roof.

• Dave Karofsky : Let's go.

  Kurt Hummel : Yeah, you don't wanna be late for your appointment at Supercuts!

  Azimio : Watch your mouth, Hummel!

  Dave Karofsky : And you know what, fancy? You don't need an appointment at Supercuts. They love walk-ins!

• Kurt Hummel : Could you have a word with Azimio and Karofsky about harassing me without damaging my Gaga outfit?

  Finn Hudson : Are you serious? Do you know how difficult it is with those guys? They already think we're boyfriends.

  Kurt Hummel : Let them think what they want. They're Neanderthals. In three years, they'll be cleaning my septic tank.

• Kurt Hummel : I thought the boys' Kiss number was good, although the lyrics did leave something to be desired.

  Tina Cohen-Chang : And Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking stuff. It was disturbing.

• Mercedes Jones : Rachel kind of got some intense news yesterday.

  Quinn Fabray : We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline, and...

  Will Schuester : You guys, that's not fair! You gotta stop doing that. But, uh, you know, what... what'd you find out?

  Mercedes Jones : Okay, y'all ready? Miss Corcoran, their coach? She's Rachel's mom.

  Will Schuester : Are you serious?

  Artie Abrams : Way to bury the lead, Mercedes.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : We're screwed. Rachel's gonna jump ship over to Vocal Adrenaline.

  Rachel Berry : [entering]  Never. I really don't want to talk about it, though. I'm still processing the news. And my dads are moving my therapist to our spare room later this afternoon. All I know is that I'm not going anywhere, and I've chosen a Lady Gaga look the longing for a childhood I was deprived of.

  Brittany S. Pierce : You look terrible. I look awesome.

  Mercedes Jones : I think it's the Kermit the Frog look.

  Kurt Hummel : [a stuffed animal falls off Rachel's dress]  And we have a jumper.

  Rachel Berry : Well, my dads can't sew, so these are just stapled on.

  Will Schuester : Guys, why don't we worry about this later and maybe try to focus on the song?

• Rachel Berry : Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?

  Artie Abrams : Isn't that against the rules?

  Rachel Berry : No, not at all. Or probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out; I rooted through the dumpsters behind the Carmel auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights.

  Tina Cohen-Chang : Oh, no.

  Rachel Berry : Which led me to Joelle Fabrics. I asked them about red Chantilly lace, and they were sold out.

  Mercedes Jones : Oh, sweet Jesus.

  Kurt Hummel : Oh, my.

  Will Schuester : Wait, wait, wait. What?

  Kurt Hummel : They're doing Gaga.

  Mercedes Jones : That's it. It's over.

  Rachel Berry : Exactly.

  Kurt Hummel : We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them.

• Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?

  Kurt Hummel : Lady Gaga is a woman. She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation. And she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.

  Brittany S. Pierce : That's true.

• Tina Cohen-Chang : [Wearing her Gaga outfit]  My balls keep falling off.

  Kurt Hummel : I've been there.