Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : What's going on?

  Michael Harper : Mum called a family meeting.

  Ben Harper : Really? Oh, right. I'll get out of your hair, then!

  Susan Harper : Whoa! Not so fast! You're a member of this family too, you know?

  Michael Harper : Only in the same way that a hyena is a dog.

• Susan Harper : Uncle Norris died this morning.

  Ben Harper : I'm sorry, darling. I'm sorry. Were you very close?

  Susan Harper : He was *your* uncle!

  Ben Harper : He was? He was! No, he was! He was my... he was my uncle! Yeah, nasty uncle Norris! Yeah, the meanest man alive!

  Michael Harper : Well, now he's dead, that title's all yours, dad!

• Ben Harper : [about his uncle Norris]  Every time I saw him, he called me a cold-hearted, mean-spirited monster!

  Susan Harper : Still, he was a wonderful judge of character!

• Janey Harper : Which one was uncle Norris again?

  Michael Harper : Was he the one who wore a dress to my 10th birthday?

  Susan Harper : No, that was your uncle Steven.

  Ben Harper : [Coughs]  Your mother's side.

  Janey Harper : Was he the one who asked me out on a date?

  Susan Harper : No, that was your uncle Gary.

  Ben Harper : [Coughs]  Your mother's side.

  Michael Harper : Who was the one on the paper for sending his underwear to Prince Harry?

  Susan Harper : Oh, that was your uncle James.

  [Coughs] 

  Susan Harper : Your father's side.

• Ben Harper : You know the problem with uncle Norris? He was a cold penny pinching miser who wouldn't let go of a grudge!

  Susan Harper : [On the phone]  Yes, well, thank you again.

  [Hangs up] 

  Susan Harper : That was aunt Eleanor. Your father needs to be at the reading of the will. Apparently, there's a significant amount of money involved.

  Ben Harper : [pause, then suddenly becomes sympathetic to his uncle]  I'm really going to miss that man!

• Ben Harper : [Showing off his new suit]  What do you think?

  Susan Harper : You look like a movie star.

  Ben Harper : Really? That's what I thought! Brad Pitt? George Clooney?

  Susan Harper : Shrek!

• Susan Harper : Well, maybe we could use the extra money. We could pay off some bills and I could get that Master's degree. Maybe we should look on this as a blessing.

  Ben Harper : Er, hello? Sorry, sorry... who's this 'we' you keep going on about?

  Susan Harper : You and me 'we'.

  Ben Harper : Ah, but the money's for me and me 'me', you see? You see, my uncle was a Harper.

  Susan Harper : Last time I looked, I was a Harper too.

  Ben Harper : Not as far as the name is concerned because you're just renting.

  Susan Harper : Renting?

  Ben Harper : Well, you... you don't really have the Harper blood.

  Susan Harper : I'll have it on my knuckles in a minute!

• Ben Harper : This is a sad in the Harper family history and one of ours has been taken far too soon. And I think we should act with the proper respect and dignity and forget all our petty earthbound squabbles. It goes against the wishes of dear, dear uncle Morris.

  Susan Harper : Norris.

  Ben Harper : Mmm. Him too.

• Susan Harper : What exactly did you do to his tortoise?

  Ben Harper : Erm... it's in the past, Susan.

  Susan Harper : Go on.

  Ben Harper : I was supposed to look after his tortoise, Malcolm, while he and that woman he hung around with went on holiday.

  Susan Harper : His wife, Mildred?

  Ben Harper : Yeah! And, er... come on, we were kids, you know? And the tortoise looked bored! And er... the idea was that... we wanted to have a... tortoise stunt show. The tortoise was supposed to speed up a ramp and jump through a flaming hoop. And suffice it to say, it didn't go quite as planned!

  Susan Harper : I know I'm going to regret this, but my morbid curiosity wants to know what went wrong?

  Ben Harper : I wasn't to know a 100-year-old tortoise would be so... dry. It went up... like leaves. Dead leaves.

• Susan Harper : Are you sure you play these numbers?

  Ben Harper : Sure! Susan, I always play those numbers! 7, 12, 18, 19, 25 - come on! Kids' birthdays!

  Michael Harper : Those aren't our birthdays.

  Ben Harper : Well, some kids' birthdays!

• Susan Harper : [Ben plans on desecrating his uncle Norris' corpse]  I'm not going in there.

  Ben Harper : What?

  Susan Harper : I want no part of this. I'm not seeing uncle Norris being stripped of his dignity.

  Ben Harper : Oh, he can stuff his dignity! I'm just going to go through his trousers!

• Susan Harper : I've always been intrigued by your line of work.

  Undertaker : Oh, really?

  Susan Harper : Oh, yes! I think it's fascinating what you people do! I've often wondered what's involved in preparing someone for their final rest!

  Undertaker : Well, you've come to the right person! You know, er, I always say I'm barmy about embalming!

• Susan Harper : [while Ben is undressing his dead uncle's corpse]  Ben, what's taking you so long?

  Ben Harper : You've clearly never had to undress a lifeless lump before!

  Susan Harper : [Thinks about Ben] 

  Ben Harper : Never mind!

• Ben Harper : This is all your fault, you know?

  Susan Harper : This should be good!

  Ben Harper : If you'd have encouraged me to be nicer to uncle Norris when he was still with us, he would have left me the money and none of this would have been necessary!

  Susan Harper : Encouraged you to be nicer? What do you think I've been doing for the last 30 years? I put it down as my occupation on my tax return!

• Susan Harper : Don't you think you should say something before you desecrate the body?

  Ben Harper : Chocks away!

  Susan Harper : No. Even if you weren't close, a member of your own family has died and you haven't even shown the slightest compassion. I'd like to think the man I married has more decency than that.

  Ben Harper : Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Uncle Norris, er... sorry we weren't closer when you were still with us. But now wherever you are, I hope you're at peace. You deserve it. Amen.

  Susan Harper : That was perfect.

  Ben Harper : Now hold him down while I yank his trousers off!

  Susan Harper : Some husbands take their wives out for dinner!

• Susan Harper : I'm so sorry they buried your suit with uncle Norris.

  Ben Harper : Yep. Yep, I'm sorry you had to use your inheritance to pay for the funeral.

  Susan Harper : It seemed appropriate under the circumstances.