Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : This lasagne's delicious!

  Ben Harper : Mmhmm! Isn't it? Told you I have a talent for cooking!

  Susan Harper : Mmm! Where did you get it?

  Ben Harper : I made it!

  Susan Harper : Where did you get it?

  Ben Harper : [pause]  The freezer in the garage.

  Susan Harper : I haven't cleared out that freezer in years. What's the expiry date on this?

  Ben Harper : Well, it's...

  [Mumbles] 

  Ben Harper : Many years ago...

  Susan Harper : Which year, Ben?

  Ben Harper : 1988.

  Susan Harper : Oh, my God!

  Ben Harper : Alright, calm down! Calm down! Relax, Susan! Please! It's got a built-in safety margin!

  Susan Harper : Not 20 years! This lasagne's older than Michael!

  Ben Harper : And let's be honest, a little more fun to be with!

• Susan Harper : Ooh, you look nice! What's the occasion?

  Janey Harper : I have a date.

  Ben Harper : What, in court?

  Janey Harper : No, a date with a guy. What?

  Susan Harper : Oh, it's nothing. Nothing. It's just normally when you go out on a date, you outfit's so tight we can see your kidneys.

• Susan Harper : Who's the man?

  Janey Harper : I'd rather not talk about it.

  Ben Harper : OK, another one on death row.

• Susan Harper : [to Janey]  Never share your dreams with your father. He'll only shatter them, leaving you an empty husk riddled with E-coli.

  Ben Harper : You say E-coli, I say gastric cleanser.

• Michael Harper : MI5 have approached me to apply for a job!

  Susan Harper : Oh, my God, darling! I'm so proud of you!

  Ben Harper : Mikey! Mikey! You're going to be a spy?

  Michael Harper : It's just one possibility.

  Ben Harper : Have they not seen you ride a bicycle?

• Michael Harper : The bad news is I probably won't get the job.

  Susan Harper : Why?

  Michael Harper : Because I've had to put the family down as referees, and they'll want to interview you. They're going to judge me based on what you say.

  Janey Harper : Oh, Michael, that's awful!

  Ben Harper : No, it's not awful! It's what... I'll tell you what, Mikey - don't worry! I'll put in a good word for you, mate!

  Susan Harper : You've got nothing to worry about, Michael. We'll sit them down, have an honest conversation...

  Ben Harper : Absolutely!

  Susan Harper : ...and we'll just be our normal selves.

  [Sprays Ben with a bottle] 

  Michael Harper : I'm so screwed!

• Ben Harper : Oh, right? So that's who you're tarting yourself up for, is it? I see!

  Susan Harper : Jealousy is an immature emotion, Ben.

  Ben Harper : I'm not jealous!

  Susan Harper : Oh, yes, you are! We go through this every time James is in town. I mean, sure he's handsome, tall, charming, hugely wealthy, fit, great smile... Sorry, where was I?

• Janey Harper : Look, dad. Just do me a favour, OK? Please don't mention anything to mum. James wanted to keep this quiet given that they're working together.

  Ben Harper : Hey, if there's one thing that your dad is good at, it's keeping secrets from your mother, OK? Listen, babe, I have the nerves of an international diamond thief, OK?

  Susan Harper : [Walks in and finds Janey and Ben standing still in silence]  What's going on?

  Ben Harper : It was her! I found her in James Garrett's hotel room!

  Susan Harper : What?

  Janey Harper : Great job, dad!

• Susan Harper : What were you doing in James Garrett's hotel room?

  Janey Harper : You know, dad was there, too!

  Susan Harper : What the hell were you doing there?

  Ben Harper : I was looking for you!

  Susan Harper : You were looking for me?

  Ben Harper : Yeah! I was looking for you and then I found her!

  Michael Harper : I'll come back later.

  Susan Harper : Why were you looking for me?

  Ben Harper : That's the question I keep asking myself!

  Susan Harper : And now it's the question I'm asking you!

  Ben Harper : And the funny thing is, you know how you wanted a new bathrobe? Well, I got you one!

• Susan Harper : [about Janey dating James]  It's going to be a disaster!

  Ben Harper : Disaster? Are you kidding? Huh! The man's a multimillionaire! Just think: cocktails in Monte Carlo, golfing in Bali, romantic dinners aboard his yacht.

  Susan Harper : You do realise he's dating Janey, not you?

• Susan Harper : I just don't get it. James is cultured, intellectual and Janey's, well... Janey.

  Ben Harper : She's got some things going for her. She... she repaired our DVD.

  Susan Harper : That was Michael.

  Ben Harper : Was it? Oh. They all look alike to me.

• Susan Harper : I hope he's not using her.

  Ben Harper : [pause]  You're jealous.

  Susan Harper : Oh, please!

  Ben Harper : Yes, jealousy is an immature emotion!

  Susan Harper : Oh, you're talking rubbish!

  Ben Harper : Probably - I'm quoting you!

• Susan Harper : I'm just concerned about the happiness of our daughter.

  Ben Harper : And you're jealous.

  Susan Harper : No! I've got a meeting with James tomorrow. I'm going to find out if he's really serious about her.

  Ben Harper : Ooh, sounds like a plan! The plan of a jealous woman!

  Susan Harper : Oh, please!

  Ben Harper : Your eye's twitching!

  Susan Harper : Oh, stop... Shut up!

• MI5 Officer : We did talk to your other son, Nick. There was nothing.

  Susan Harper : Good kid. He wouldn't tell tales on his brother.

  MI5 Officer : [Points to head]  No. There was *nothing*.

• MI5 Officer : Now we do have a few reservations about Michael's physical stamina.

  Susan Harper : Really? You shouldn't! He did three years of jazz and tap! He did The Lion King at school and people still talk about his performance as Pumbaa the warthog!

• Susan Harper : Are we almost done here?

  MI5 Officer : There's just one more question: would you say you have a tight-knit family?

  Susan Harper : Well, yes. We've always looked out for each other. Except when some of us choose not to listen to some others of us... and choose to accuse them of feelings they absolutely do not have just because they happen to take a perfectly valid interest in the welfare of... some other people!

  MI5 Officer : Mrs Harper, why is your eye twitching?

  Susan Harper : I thought you said just the one question!

• Ben Harper : You caught him cheating? Then confront him with it!

  Susan Harper : Confront my biggest client? Tonight's exhibition has taken the best part of a year to arrange. James wants to buy most of the collection. What am I supposed to do - throw that all away?

  Ben Harper : OK, OK. Yeah I see your point. Yeah. Tough decision, you know? So what do you do? You do what's right for your bank account or do you do what's right for your daughter? And I know... I think we both know the answer to that, eh?

  Susan Harper : You're right. Our daughter comes first.

  Ben Harper : No, no, no! The other one!

• Susan Harper : What the hell are you wearing?

  Ben Harper : [Wearing a Scottish suit]  I'm trying to impress you! Erm... it was the only one left.

  Susan Harper : It was the cheapest one, isn't it?

  Ben Harper : It was the cheapest one. But I've got a lot of Scottish in me, Susan!

  Susan Harper : Glenfiddich doesn't count!

• Susan Harper : [to Ben]  What am I doing? I've lost all perspective of what's important. I'm sacrificing my family for money. Oh, my God, I'm you!

• Susan Harper : [Last lines]  I'm sorry for messing things up for you, darling. I really am. But you'll get over him. There are other men out there who will make you very happy. Sure, he had a lot to offer. But sometimes, it's just not meant to be. Do you want another tissue?

  Ben Harper : [Cries]  Yeah, please!