Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : Everything going all right with James, is it?

  Janey Harper : Oh, Dad, he's so fascinating!

  Ben Harper : [Gleefully]  And rich!

  Janey Harper : Handsome...

  Ben Harper : ...and rich!

  Janey Harper : He's really...

  Ben Harper : ...rich? So, er, any plans to move in with him?

  Janey Harper : Trying to get rid of me, are you?

  Ben Harper : No, I don't think of it as losing a daughter. More... gaining a millionaire.

• Susan Harper : This lasagne's delicious!

  Ben Harper : Mmhmm! Isn't it? Told you I have a talent for cooking!

  Susan Harper : Mmm! Where did you get it?

  Ben Harper : I made it!

  Susan Harper : Where did you get it?

  Ben Harper : [pause]  The freezer in the garage.

  Susan Harper : I haven't cleared out that freezer in years. What's the expiry date on this?

  Ben Harper : Well, it's...

  [Mumbles] 

  Ben Harper : Many years ago...

  Susan Harper : Which year, Ben?

  Ben Harper : 1988.

  Susan Harper : Oh, my God!

  Ben Harper : Alright, calm down! Calm down! Relax, Susan! Please! It's got a built-in safety margin!

  Susan Harper : Not 20 years! This lasagne's older than Michael!

  Ben Harper : And let's be honest, a little more fun to be with!

• Susan Harper : Ooh, you look nice! What's the occasion?

  Janey Harper : I have a date.

  Ben Harper : What, in court?

  Janey Harper : No, a date with a guy. What?

  Susan Harper : Oh, it's nothing. Nothing. It's just normally when you go out on a date, you outfit's so tight we can see your kidneys.

• Susan Harper : Who's the man?

  Janey Harper : I'd rather not talk about it.

  Ben Harper : OK, another one on death row.

• Susan Harper : [to Janey]  Never share your dreams with your father. He'll only shatter them, leaving you an empty husk riddled with E-coli.

  Ben Harper : You say E-coli, I say gastric cleanser.

• Michael Harper : MI5 have approached me to apply for a job!

  Susan Harper : Oh, my God, darling! I'm so proud of you!

  Ben Harper : Mikey! Mikey! You're going to be a spy?

  Michael Harper : It's just one possibility.

  Ben Harper : Have they not seen you ride a bicycle?

• Michael Harper : The bad news is I probably won't get the job.

  Susan Harper : Why?

  Michael Harper : Because I've had to put the family down as referees, and they'll want to interview you. They're going to judge me based on what you say.

  Janey Harper : Oh, Michael, that's awful!

  Ben Harper : No, it's not awful! It's what... I'll tell you what, Mikey - don't worry! I'll put in a good word for you, mate!

  Susan Harper : You've got nothing to worry about, Michael. We'll sit them down, have an honest conversation...

  Ben Harper : Absolutely!

  Susan Harper : ...and we'll just be our normal selves.

  [Sprays Ben with a bottle] 

  Michael Harper : I'm so screwed!

• Ben Harper : Oh, right? So that's who you're tarting yourself up for, is it? I see!

  Susan Harper : Jealousy is an immature emotion, Ben.

  Ben Harper : I'm not jealous!

  Susan Harper : Oh, yes, you are! We go through this every time James is in town. I mean, sure he's handsome, tall, charming, hugely wealthy, fit, great smile... Sorry, where was I?

• James Garrett : [after Ben knocks his hotel door]  Yes?

  Ben Harper : [Pretending to be a busboy]  Room service!

  James Garrett : I'm sorry, we haven't ordered any.

  Ben Harper : [pauses, then knocks on door again] 

  James Garrett : Yes?

  Ben Harper : [Pretending to be a cleaner]  Hello, housekeeping! I come here to turn down the covers!

  James Garrett : You've already done that!

  Ben Harper : [Frustrated, he thinks of another plan and knocks on the door] 

  James Garrett : What now?

  Ben Harper : [Pretending to be a manager]  Hotel manager! I've got a few complaints from room service and housekeeping that you haven't been very co-operative, thank you!

  James Garrett : [Opens door]  Ben!

  Ben Harper : OK, OK, Garrett! Where is she?

• James Garrett : [after Ben thinks Susan is having an affair with him]  Look, I wanted to tell you from the start, but she didn't think you'd be too happy about it.

  Ben Harper : Oh, did she? And she got that right, didn't she?

  James Garrett : I know you're out to be protective. But, you know, she knows what she wants and she wants me.

  Ben Harper : Have you no shame?

  James Garrett : I know I'm a bit older than her usual, but, you know... it's not like I'm her first.

  Ben Harper : How long has this been going on?

  James Garrett : Oh, a few weeks. You know, we're still feeling each other out. Ben don't get angry! Look... look, I can show her the world. I can introduce her to the finer things in life. She's going to have a great time.

  Ben Harper : No, she's not because I'm going to kill you, Garrett!

  Janey Harper : Dad!

  Ben Harper : Just stay out of this, Janey, OK? If you... What are you doing here?

  Janey Harper : No, what are *you* doing here?

  Ben Harper : [Looking embarrassed]  Well, not what *you're* doing here, that's for sure! I... I thought your mother was going to be doing here what you're... doing... here... and...

• Ben Harper : Hi, darling! Hi! Hi! What are you doing home so early?

  Janey Harper : Oh, I don't know! Having your father burst into your boyfriend's hotel room is a little bit of a mood killer!

  Ben Harper : OK, OK... It was an honest mistake! I was hoping to find your mother there!

• Janey Harper : I don't know what I'm angriest about: the fact that you went through my bag, that you barged in on us or that you stole the bathrobe from the room!

  Ben Harper : Now, I tho... Honestly, I thought that was complimentary!

• Janey Harper : Look, dad. Just do me a favour, OK? Please don't mention anything to mum. James wanted to keep this quiet given that they're working together.

  Ben Harper : Hey, if there's one thing that your dad is good at, it's keeping secrets from your mother, OK? Listen, babe, I have the nerves of an international diamond thief, OK?

  Susan Harper : [Walks in and finds Janey and Ben standing still in silence]  What's going on?

  Ben Harper : It was her! I found her in James Garrett's hotel room!

  Susan Harper : What?

  Janey Harper : Great job, dad!

• Susan Harper : What were you doing in James Garrett's hotel room?

  Janey Harper : You know, dad was there, too!

  Susan Harper : What the hell were you doing there?

  Ben Harper : I was looking for you!

  Susan Harper : You were looking for me?

  Ben Harper : Yeah! I was looking for you and then I found her!

  Michael Harper : I'll come back later.

  Susan Harper : Why were you looking for me?

  Ben Harper : That's the question I keep asking myself!

  Susan Harper : And now it's the question I'm asking you!

  Ben Harper : And the funny thing is, you know how you wanted a new bathrobe? Well, I got you one!

• Susan Harper : [about Janey dating James]  It's going to be a disaster!

  Ben Harper : Disaster? Are you kidding? Huh! The man's a multimillionaire! Just think: cocktails in Monte Carlo, golfing in Bali, romantic dinners aboard his yacht.

  Susan Harper : You do realise he's dating Janey, not you?

• Susan Harper : I just don't get it. James is cultured, intellectual and Janey's, well... Janey.

  Ben Harper : She's got some things going for her. She... she repaired our DVD.

  Susan Harper : That was Michael.

  Ben Harper : Was it? Oh. They all look alike to me.

• Susan Harper : I hope he's not using her.

  Ben Harper : [pause]  You're jealous.

  Susan Harper : Oh, please!

  Ben Harper : Yes, jealousy is an immature emotion!

  Susan Harper : Oh, you're talking rubbish!

  Ben Harper : Probably - I'm quoting you!

• Susan Harper : I'm just concerned about the happiness of our daughter.

  Ben Harper : And you're jealous.

  Susan Harper : No! I've got a meeting with James tomorrow. I'm going to find out if he's really serious about her.

  Ben Harper : Ooh, sounds like a plan! The plan of a jealous woman!

  Susan Harper : Oh, please!

  Ben Harper : Your eye's twitching!

  Susan Harper : Oh, stop... Shut up!

• Janey Harper : Dad, what are you wearing?

  Ben Harper : [Wearing an ill-fitting tuxedo]  Your mother wanted me to dress for her exhibition tonight, so I decided to drag out the old tux. I've worn this for 25 years, Mikey! 25 years! Fits like a glove! It's called keeping yourself in trim, my boy!

  Janey Harper : It's called living in a fantasy world, my boy!

• Ben Harper : You caught him cheating? Then confront him with it!

  Susan Harper : Confront my biggest client? Tonight's exhibition has taken the best part of a year to arrange. James wants to buy most of the collection. What am I supposed to do - throw that all away?

  Ben Harper : OK, OK. Yeah I see your point. Yeah. Tough decision, you know? So what do you do? You do what's right for your bank account or do you do what's right for your daughter? And I know... I think we both know the answer to that, eh?

  Susan Harper : You're right. Our daughter comes first.

  Ben Harper : No, no, no! The other one!

• Ben Harper : Of course, I... I did consider becoming a spy myself. It was up in the air for a while, but then I felt my calling... was teeth. And with one, you've got to keep your mouth shut and the other, you've got to keep your mouth open! That's a good slogan, you know? You can use that!

  MI5 Officer : No, we can't.

• Ben Harper : Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this? What is this? Er, don't tell me - it's a retinal scanner, is it? It's a... it's a deadly missile? No, no, no... no, no, no! It's a... sonic transmitter, is it? Is it?

  MI5 Officer : We're supposed to keep this quiet...

  Ben Harper : Mmm? Oh, yeah?

  MI5 Officer : [Gestures at Ben to come closer]  ... it's a pen!

• Susan Harper : What the hell are you wearing?

  Ben Harper : [Wearing a Scottish suit]  I'm trying to impress you! Erm... it was the only one left.

  Susan Harper : It was the cheapest one, isn't it?

  Ben Harper : It was the cheapest one. But I've got a lot of Scottish in me, Susan!

  Susan Harper : Glenfiddich doesn't count!

• Susan Harper : [Last lines]  I'm sorry for messing things up for you, darling. I really am. But you'll get over him. There are other men out there who will make you very happy. Sure, he had a lot to offer. But sometimes, it's just not meant to be. Do you want another tissue?

  Ben Harper : [Cries]  Yeah, please!