Rupert Holliday-Evans: MI5 Officer

Quotes 

• MI5 Officer : I have to say in the 15 years I've been carrying out these interviews for MI5, I have never come across a family like yours.

  Michael Harper : [pause]  They're... they're unique.

  MI5 Officer : Anyway, I'm pleased to say that a starting position in the computer and network specialist division will be available to you when you've finished your studies - should you want it.

  Michael Harper : I don't understand. You've met my family?

  MI5 Officer : Exactly. It's a miracle you haven't cracked up yet! You've clearly been under torture for years.

  [Shakes his hand] 

  MI5 Officer : Welcome to MI5.

• MI5 Officer : Right. You would be Michael's older sister, Janey.

  Janey Harper : Wow! You boys at MI5 really do your homework!

  MI5 Officer : Actually, it's written on his application.

• Janey Harper : And there was that time I wet myself on a rollercoaster! Oh, and I drank a pint of Kahlua once and projectile vomited all over my geography teacher! Funny! Oh, and I got barred from a nightclub once in Weymouth for grabbing this guy...

  MI5 Officer : Thank you, Miss Harper. That's, er, very illuminating. When I told you to be honest and frank, I was actually asking about your brother.

  Janey Harper : Huh? Oh, him? Oh, sorry! You know, to tell you the truth, I don't really know him that well.

• MI5 Officer : We did talk to your other son, Nick. There was nothing.

  Susan Harper : Good kid. He wouldn't tell tales on his brother.

  MI5 Officer : [Points to head]  No. There was *nothing*.

• MI5 Officer : Now we do have a few reservations about Michael's physical stamina.

  Susan Harper : Really? You shouldn't! He did three years of jazz and tap! He did The Lion King at school and people still talk about his performance as Pumbaa the warthog!

• Susan Harper : Are we almost done here?

  MI5 Officer : There's just one more question: would you say you have a tight-knit family?

  Susan Harper : Well, yes. We've always looked out for each other. Except when some of us choose not to listen to some others of us... and choose to accuse them of feelings they absolutely do not have just because they happen to take a perfectly valid interest in the welfare of... some other people!

  MI5 Officer : Mrs Harper, why is your eye twitching?

  Susan Harper : I thought you said just the one question!

• Ben Harper : Of course, I... I did consider becoming a spy myself. It was up in the air for a while, but then I felt my calling... was teeth. And with one, you've got to keep your mouth shut and the other, you've got to keep your mouth open! That's a good slogan, you know? You can use that!

  MI5 Officer : No, we can't.

• Ben Harper : Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this? What is this? Er, don't tell me - it's a retinal scanner, is it? It's a... it's a deadly missile? No, no, no... no, no, no! It's a... sonic transmitter, is it? Is it?

  MI5 Officer : We're supposed to keep this quiet...

  Ben Harper : Mmm? Oh, yeah?

  MI5 Officer : [Gestures at Ben to come closer]  ... it's a pen!