Daniela Denby-Ashe: Janey Harper

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : Everything going all right with James, is it?

  Janey Harper : Oh, Dad, he's so fascinating!

  Ben Harper : [Gleefully]  And rich!

  Janey Harper : Handsome...

  Ben Harper : ...and rich!

  Janey Harper : He's really...

  Ben Harper : ...rich? So, er, any plans to move in with him?

  Janey Harper : Trying to get rid of me, are you?

  Ben Harper : No, I don't think of it as losing a daughter. More... gaining a millionaire.

• Susan Harper : Ooh, you look nice! What's the occasion?

  Janey Harper : I have a date.

  Ben Harper : What, in court?

  Janey Harper : No, a date with a guy. What?

  Susan Harper : Oh, it's nothing. Nothing. It's just normally when you go out on a date, you outfit's so tight we can see your kidneys.

• Susan Harper : Who's the man?

  Janey Harper : I'd rather not talk about it.

  Ben Harper : OK, another one on death row.

• Michael Harper : Oh, great! You're all here! Listen, I have a big announcement to make!

  Janey Harper : You've hit puberty?

• Michael Harper : The bad news is I probably won't get the job.

  Susan Harper : Why?

  Michael Harper : Because I've had to put the family down as referees, and they'll want to interview you. They're going to judge me based on what you say.

  Janey Harper : Oh, Michael, that's awful!

  Ben Harper : No, it's not awful! It's what... I'll tell you what, Mikey - don't worry! I'll put in a good word for you, mate!

  Susan Harper : You've got nothing to worry about, Michael. We'll sit them down, have an honest conversation...

  Ben Harper : Absolutely!

  Susan Harper : ...and we'll just be our normal selves.

  [Sprays Ben with a bottle] 

  Michael Harper : I'm so screwed!

• MI5 Officer : Right. You would be Michael's older sister, Janey.

  Janey Harper : Wow! You boys at MI5 really do your homework!

  MI5 Officer : Actually, it's written on his application.

• Janey Harper : And there was that time I wet myself on a rollercoaster! Oh, and I drank a pint of Kahlua once and projectile vomited all over my geography teacher! Funny! Oh, and I got barred from a nightclub once in Weymouth for grabbing this guy...

  MI5 Officer : Thank you, Miss Harper. That's, er, very illuminating. When I told you to be honest and frank, I was actually asking about your brother.

  Janey Harper : Huh? Oh, him? Oh, sorry! You know, to tell you the truth, I don't really know him that well.

• James Garrett : [after Ben thinks Susan is having an affair with him]  Look, I wanted to tell you from the start, but she didn't think you'd be too happy about it.

  Ben Harper : Oh, did she? And she got that right, didn't she?

  James Garrett : I know you're out to be protective. But, you know, she knows what she wants and she wants me.

  Ben Harper : Have you no shame?

  James Garrett : I know I'm a bit older than her usual, but, you know... it's not like I'm her first.

  Ben Harper : How long has this been going on?

  James Garrett : Oh, a few weeks. You know, we're still feeling each other out. Ben don't get angry! Look... look, I can show her the world. I can introduce her to the finer things in life. She's going to have a great time.

  Ben Harper : No, she's not because I'm going to kill you, Garrett!

  Janey Harper : Dad!

  Ben Harper : Just stay out of this, Janey, OK? If you... What are you doing here?

  Janey Harper : No, what are *you* doing here?

  Ben Harper : [Looking embarrassed]  Well, not what *you're* doing here, that's for sure! I... I thought your mother was going to be doing here what you're... doing... here... and...

• Ben Harper : Hi, darling! Hi! Hi! What are you doing home so early?

  Janey Harper : Oh, I don't know! Having your father burst into your boyfriend's hotel room is a little bit of a mood killer!

  Ben Harper : OK, OK... It was an honest mistake! I was hoping to find your mother there!

• Janey Harper : I don't know what I'm angriest about: the fact that you went through my bag, that you barged in on us or that you stole the bathrobe from the room!

  Ben Harper : Now, I tho... Honestly, I thought that was complimentary!

• Janey Harper : Look, dad. Just do me a favour, OK? Please don't mention anything to mum. James wanted to keep this quiet given that they're working together.

  Ben Harper : Hey, if there's one thing that your dad is good at, it's keeping secrets from your mother, OK? Listen, babe, I have the nerves of an international diamond thief, OK?

  Susan Harper : [Walks in and finds Janey and Ben standing still in silence]  What's going on?

  Ben Harper : It was her! I found her in James Garrett's hotel room!

  Susan Harper : What?

  Janey Harper : Great job, dad!

• Susan Harper : What were you doing in James Garrett's hotel room?

  Janey Harper : You know, dad was there, too!

  Susan Harper : What the hell were you doing there?

  Ben Harper : I was looking for you!

  Susan Harper : You were looking for me?

  Ben Harper : Yeah! I was looking for you and then I found her!

  Michael Harper : I'll come back later.

  Susan Harper : Why were you looking for me?

  Ben Harper : That's the question I keep asking myself!

  Susan Harper : And now it's the question I'm asking you!

  Ben Harper : And the funny thing is, you know how you wanted a new bathrobe? Well, I got you one!

• Janey Harper : Is it... Faliraki?

  Michael Harper : No, Athens.

  Janey Harper : Oh, Athens! Athens, Athens, Athens... OK, give me another one.

  Michael Harper : What's the capital of Spain?

  Janey Harper : [Thinks]  Ibiza?

  Michael Harper : Do you only know places where you flashed a barman?

• Janey Harper : Maybe being with James makes me want to expand my mind.

  Michael Harper : Finding it would be a start.

• Janey Harper : Dad, what are you wearing?

  Ben Harper : [Wearing an ill-fitting tuxedo]  Your mother wanted me to dress for her exhibition tonight, so I decided to drag out the old tux. I've worn this for 25 years, Mikey! 25 years! Fits like a glove! It's called keeping yourself in trim, my boy!

  Janey Harper : It's called living in a fantasy world, my boy!