- Wanda Dollard: Look at this.
- Davis Quinton: Potato chips?
- Wanda Dollard: Potato craps! Soggy, stale potato craps.
- Davis Quinton: Ooh, nothing worse than stale potato chips! Although I did break my leg once. That was painful.
- Wanda Dollard: Yeah, but you didn't pay $1.75 for a broken leg! I'm sick of getting screwed by the man. In this case, the potato chip man. So, I am writing a scathing letter.
- Davis Quinton: Well, you just ring me up and I'll get out of your hair.
- Wanda Dollard: What do they think... they think they can just treat me like dirt? They think they can just ignore the needs of their customers?
- Davis Quinton: Where do I write to complain about the service *here*?
- [Wanda's complaint letter for Davis proves to be much more effective than her own, she is waiting by the police station wearing a jacket with a Crispy Spuds logo]
- Davis Quinton: Hey, Crispy Spuds came through!
- Wanda Dollard: Oh, yeah. Pretty sweet jacket, huh?
- Davis Quinton: Yeah, reminds me of the one you used to have.
- Wanda Dollard: Yeah, well. that's the style, right? Kind of the... retro thing... the... distressed...
- Davis Quinton: Remember I spilled mustard on the sleeve?
- Wanda Dollard: Yeah, well, this is a different one!
- Davis Quinton: Well, what else did you get?
- Wanda Dollard: What else?
- Davis Quinton: Yeah! I got a watch and a hat and a cooler...
- Wanda Dollard: I got a cruise!
- Davis Quinton: Get out!
- Wanda Dollard: Yeah, yeah, a cruise... Hawaiian cruise! Touring the... Hawaiian chip factory. Turns out that why the chips are soggy. Humidity.
- Hank Yarbo: I don't know, maybe we're getting a little old for jumping fences. I mean, you did pull your groin.
- Brent Leroy: That's got nothing to do with getting old! I pulled my groin when I was nine. When I was one, I threw my back out reaching for a rattle.
- Hank Yarbo: Yeah, I don't know. Old Man Hafford was Old Man Hafford when we were kids. Now he's Really Old Man Hafford. Maybe we should just leave him in peace.
- Brent Leroy: Peace? Don't you remember when we were kids he'd steal anything that went over his fence! I lost my brand new flying ring!
- [flashback to Brent and Hank as kids, Hank throws the flying ring over the fence, Brent tries to climb the fence]
- Young Brent: Ah, my groin!
- [back to the present day]
- Brent Leroy: You lost your Super Spiral football!
- Hank Yarbo: Oh yeah, that old fart's got my football! All right, let's run over there, jump the fence and grab his apples!
- Brent Leroy: Yeah! Only maybe we should walk over there and use the gate *in* the fence.
- Hank Yarbo: Alright.
- Brent Leroy: Now, when you say "grab his apples"...
- Hank Yarbo: Come on, Brent!
- Brent Leroy: I just want to be clear!
- [Hank takes the fall for stealing Old Man Hafford's crabapples, and as punishment, he has to eat all the apples. Afterwards, Hank is moping outside of the Ruby]
- Brent Leroy: You still mad at me? Look, I feel bad. And not just because I just watched you barf up a two and half gallons of rotten apples. I lost your trust as a friend. So, I want you to know on your behalf, I got Old Man Hafford back.
- [quick cut showing Old Man Hafford's tree covered in toilet paper, then back to the Ruby]
- Hank Yarbo: But I'm still working for him!
- Brent Leroy: Oh... forgot about that.
- [cut to Hank with Old Man Hafford in his backyard, looking at the tree]
- Hank Yarbo: You're not gonna make me eat all of it, are you?
- Davis Quinton: [pouring a bag of microwave popcorn on the counter] Hey. Check this out.
- Wanda Dollard: I'm good, I just had a muffin.
- Davis Quinton: No, look! Half the kernels aren't popped!
- Wanda Dollard: An optimist would say half the kernels did pop.
- Davis Quinton: I was thinking you could start the letter something like "Dear stupid jerks, go suck an egg."
- Wanda Dollard: You don't want to push this complaining thing too far. No one likes a squeaky wheel. These companies talk, you know...
- Davis Quinton: They do?
- Wanda Dollard: Oh, yeah. There's pretty much three corporations that control everything. There's Chrysler, Fox TV and Campbell's Soup.
- Davis Quinton: I thought there would've been more!
- Wanda Dollard: Nope. You complain to Campbell's Soup about your popcorn then see what happens next time you buy a Dodge Ram.
- [after Lacey and Oscar embarrass Karen and Emma at charades, Karen and Emma are having a tense debrief in the Ruby]
- Lacey Burrows: Well, well, well... if it isn't team loser!
- Oscar Leroy: Is that what they call themselves? No wonder they lost.
- Wanda Dollard: [typing] ... And finished. I'll just send that off. Chew on that, Crispy Spuds!
- Davis Quinton: [struggling to open his drink] Maybe I should write to Zoinks Cola.
- Wanda Dollard: Yeah you should write to those jerks and let them know you're not going to put up with their... what's your beef with Zoinks Cola?
- Davis Quinton: Well, their cans have these wee, small tabs, and my thumb always hurts after I open 'em!
- Wanda Dollard: [typing, dictating] "Opening your cans is like opening a grenade full of razor blades".
- Davis Quinton: What are you doing?
- Wanda Dollard: Writing your letter?
- Davis Quinton: No, no, no, no, don't get them mad at me!
- Wanda Dollard: No! You're mad at them. And as your friend, well, similarly enraged consumer, it's my duty to hold them accountable!
- Davis Quinton: I just don't want to come off too strong. Maybe sign it, "Respectfully yours, Davis Quinton".
- Wanda Dollard: [typing, dictating] "And may you all roast in hell... Respectfully yours, Davis Quinton".
- [Lacey and Oscar, and Karen and Emma, are playing charades]
- Oscar Leroy: Book. First word. The Count of Monte Cristo!
- Lacey Burrows: Nice one, Oscar! That's two in a row!
- Karen Pelly: You guys are cheating!
- Oscar Leroy: No we aren't! That's one of my favorite movies.
- Lacey Burrows: Okay, your guys' turn.
- [Karen does the same vague motion over and over]
- Emma Leroy: Movie... What is that? It's the same thing only faster! Rowing? Washing clothes?
- Karen Pelly: I said it was a movie!
- Oscar Leroy: No talking.
- Emma Leroy: Do something different. It's still the same thing!
- Karen Pelly: I don't know what else to do!
- Oscar Leroy: No talking!
- Lacey Burrows: Okay, that's time.
- Emma Leroy: What was it?
- Karen Pelly: Chariots of Fire!
- Emma Leroy: [imitating Karen's clue] How is that "Chariots of Fire"?
- Karen Pelly: I was on a chariot. Look, see? I'm racing a chariot!
- Lacey Burrows: Oh, you guys... You should really try cheating.
- [the second game of charades, after the teams have been rearranged; Lacey does an obvious "driving a car" motion, miming her hands on a steering wheel and honking a horn]
- Emma Leroy: Um, washing dishes. You're... uh... spanking a baby? Come on! You're worse than Karen.
- Karen Pelly: Well, maybe it's you that sucks at guessing!
- [Lacey does the correct answer gesture to Karen]
- Emma Leroy: Julius Caesar!
- Karen Pelly: I know what she's doing.
- Emma Leroy: So do I. Julius Caesar!
- Lacey Burrows: It is not Julius Caesar!
- Oscar Leroy: No talking!
- Lacey Burrows: I can't help myself with her!
- Karen Pelly: See?
- Oscar Leroy: Time's up!
- Karen Pelly: It's Driving Miss Daisy!
- Lacey Burrows: [mimes turning a steering wheel and shifting gears] How is *this* Julius Caesar?
- Emma Leroy: [imitating Lacey's clue - the steering wheel, then shifting gears] It's Shake... Spear!
- Lacey Burrows: Oh, you are truly awful at this.