Corner Gas (TV Series)

Crab Apple Cooler (2009)

Lorne Cardinal: Davis Quinton

Quotes 

• Wanda Dollard : Look at this.

  Davis Quinton : Potato chips?

  Wanda Dollard : Potato craps! Soggy, stale potato craps.

  Davis Quinton : Ooh, nothing worse than stale potato chips! Although I did break my leg once. That was painful.

  Wanda Dollard : Yeah, but you didn't pay $1.75 for a broken leg! I'm sick of getting screwed by the man. In this case, the potato chip man. So, I am writing a scathing letter.

  Davis Quinton : Well, you just ring me up and I'll get out of your hair.

  Wanda Dollard : What do they think... they think they can just treat me like dirt? They think they can just ignore the needs of their customers?

  Davis Quinton : Where do I write to complain about the service *here*?

• [Wanda's complaint letter for Davis proves to be much more effective than her own, she is waiting by the police station wearing a jacket with a Crispy Spuds logo] 

  Davis Quinton : Hey, Crispy Spuds came through!

  Wanda Dollard : Oh, yeah. Pretty sweet jacket, huh?

  Davis Quinton : Yeah, reminds me of the one you used to have.

  Wanda Dollard : Yeah, well. that's the style, right? Kind of the... retro thing... the... distressed...

  Davis Quinton : Remember I spilled mustard on the sleeve?

  Wanda Dollard : Yeah, well, this is a different one!

  Davis Quinton : Well, what else did you get?

  Wanda Dollard : What else?

  Davis Quinton : Yeah! I got a watch and a hat and a cooler...

  Wanda Dollard : I got a cruise!

  Davis Quinton : Get out!

  Wanda Dollard : Yeah, yeah, a cruise... Hawaiian cruise! Touring the... Hawaiian chip factory. Turns out that why the chips are soggy. Humidity.

• Davis Quinton : [pouring a bag of microwave popcorn on the counter]  Hey. Check this out.

  Wanda Dollard : I'm good, I just had a muffin.

  Davis Quinton : No, look! Half the kernels aren't popped!

  Wanda Dollard : An optimist would say half the kernels did pop.

  Davis Quinton : I was thinking you could start the letter something like "Dear stupid jerks, go suck an egg."

  Wanda Dollard : You don't want to push this complaining thing too far. No one likes a squeaky wheel. These companies talk, you know...

  Davis Quinton : They do?

  Wanda Dollard : Oh, yeah. There's pretty much three corporations that control everything. There's Chrysler, Fox TV and Campbell's Soup.

  Davis Quinton : I thought there would've been more!

  Wanda Dollard : Nope. You complain to Campbell's Soup about your popcorn then see what happens next time you buy a Dodge Ram.

• Wanda Dollard : [typing]  ... And finished. I'll just send that off. Chew on that, Crispy Spuds!

  Davis Quinton : [struggling to open his drink]  Maybe I should write to Zoinks Cola.

  Wanda Dollard : Yeah you should write to those jerks and let them know you're not going to put up with their... what's your beef with Zoinks Cola?

  Davis Quinton : Well, their cans have these wee, small tabs, and my thumb always hurts after I open 'em!

  Wanda Dollard : [typing, dictating]  "Opening your cans is like opening a grenade full of razor blades".

  Davis Quinton : What are you doing?

  Wanda Dollard : Writing your letter?

  Davis Quinton : No, no, no, no, don't get them mad at me!

  Wanda Dollard : No! You're mad at them. And as your friend, well, similarly enraged consumer, it's my duty to hold them accountable!

  Davis Quinton : I just don't want to come off too strong. Maybe sign it, "Respectfully yours, Davis Quinton".

  Wanda Dollard : [typing, dictating]  "And may you all roast in hell... Respectfully yours, Davis Quinton".