- Lacey Burrows: [after Wanda says her group gifts suck, to Josh and Fitzy] Hey guys, wanna go in together for a...
- Josh the Cook, Fitzy: No.
- [about the attendees at a comic-book convention]
- Wanda Dollard: [to Brent] They're all middle-aged guys with glasses and no wives, no girlfriends - and you're going, aren't you?
- [Police officer Davis sidelines as a home alarm salesman]
- Davis Quinton: [to Oscar and Emma] Good day, sir. Hello, ma'am. How safe do you feel in your own neighbourhood?
- Emma Leroy: I'd feel safer if we had a police department.
- Davis Quinton: There's no doubt you're a senior rookie. I know that and you know that. But we're cops. We're constantly on the move. Seconds count. I think we should drop the word "senior".
- Karen Pelly: It's two syllables. How much time is that going to save?
- Davis Quinton: It's the difference between life and death. I could be half way through saying "senior" and be shot.
- Karen Pelly: But who'd blame me?
- Brent LeRoy: [to comic book artist, holding comic book] It's kind of funny, but I forgot to get you to sign this.
- Peter Moore: Who should I make it out to?
- Brent LeRoy: [nervously] Me.
- Peter Moore: Your name?
- Brent LeRoy: Yes.
- Peter Moore: What's your name?
- [Brent freezes up]
- Hank Yarbo: [whispering] Brent!
- Brent LeRoy: [to Hank] Not now!
- Brent LeRoy: [chasing Peter Moore] Just a quick autograph! I'm a big fan! I have all your comics! We could be friends! I'm not a stalker! I know your birthday!
- Karen Pelly: [opening a gift - a badge that says 'Senior Rookie'] Aw, thanks, Josh!
- Josh the Cook: It's from me and Fitzy.
- Fitzy: Group gift. Group hug?
- Karen Pelly: No.
- [first lines]
- Lacey Burrows: Hey, I thought I'd donate some of my clothes. It's quality stuff, so...
- Fitzy's Grandma: Well, old or new, we appreciate any donations!
- Fitzy's Grandma: [pulling out the first piece] Oh!
- Lacey Burrows: Oh, wait... I'd actually like to keep that.
- Fitzy's Grandma: Oh sure, sure.
- Fitzy's Grandma: [looking at the next piece] Oh, yes!
- Lacey Burrows: You know what? That actually compliments the shirt so I'll take that back too...
- [she pulls the next item out, Lacey looks at it for a moment and then takes it back as well]
- Lacey Burrows: Actually, is there somewhere where I could just try this stuff on?
- Lacey Burrows: [looking in the mirror] Okay, I like this combination! I'm gonna keep these as well. The rest, I am donating.
- Fitzy's Grandma: So... You're donating the bag? You took everything back! It... It's okay if you want to keep them!
- Lacey Burrows: No, no, I came here to donate some clothes, and that's what I'm gonna do.
- Lacey Burrows: [handing the clothes back] And the jeans.
- Fitzy's Grandma: Are you sure?
- Lacey Burrows: Yes...
- [tearing up]
- Lacey Burrows: Could I please have five minutes alone with my jeans?
- [Brent meeting Peter Moore for the first time]
- Brent LeRoy: Hi Peter, I'm huge... Fan! I mean, huge fan. It's nice to touch you in person... Meet, not touch! Not... that it wouldn't be nice to touch you... I've been shaking your hand too long... Hey, check this out, Dr. Spike!
- Brent LeRoy: [doing a bad impression] Meeowerwee!
- Comic Book Store Owner: Sir, we have a long lineup here.
- Brent LeRoy: Oh, uh, uh, okay, well uh... Catch you on the flip side of the... comic book... page...
- [he runs off, Hank follows]
- Brent LeRoy: [to Hank] Okay, well that went better than I thought it would. I was a little nervous but I don't think he noticed.
- [Wanda gives Karen one of the items that Lacey donated, as a gift]
- Lacey Burrows: I know where you got that sweater.
- Wanda Dollard: I got it at a store.
- Lacey Burrows: Yeah, but you left out one detail... A thrift store!
- Wanda Dollard: I left out a lot of details! It was a white building, linoleum floors, smelled like old cabbage...
- [when word spreads about Wanda's thrift store shopping, Emma thinks she has fallen on hard times]
- Emma Leroy: [handing Wanda a box] Here we go. Some skirts, pants, a couple of sweaters, a crimping iron...
- Wanda Dollard: Sweaters and a crimping iron? Is Twisted Sister doing a show at the curling rink?
- [Brent chases Peter Moore through the hotel trying to get him to sign a comic book. Hank pulls him behind a curtain, to get away from Brent]
- Hank Yarbo: Mr. Moore, I want to apologize for my friend. He's not a bad guy, just a bit of a nerd is all. Could you just please sign a comic book for him?
- Peter Moore: I'm not doing anything for that lunatic! But I'll sign one for you. You just saved my life.
- Hank Yarbo: Oh, that'd be awesome!
- Peter Moore: What was your name again?
- Hank Yarbo: ...Brent.
- Peter Moore: I thought his name was Brent.
- Hank Yarbo: No, that's Hank. Crazy Hank, they call him. Bit of a lay about, likes to hang out at my gas station... I own a gas station... I'm Brent Leroy.
- Peter Moore: Is that with two "R's?"
- Hank Yarbo: I think so.
- [Oscar and Emma are testing out their new home alarm system]
- Emma Leroy: 1-6-8, and arm!
- [they run out the door]
- Oscar Leroy: Did you turn off the coffee maker?
- Emma Leroy: Just leave it.
- Oscar Leroy: It could explode!
- Emma Leroy: It won't explode, it's decaffeinated!
- [after Emma and Oscar's new home alarm turns out to be a nuisance for both them and the police, Karen and Davis bring them something new]
- Oscar Leroy: What do you call this thing-a-ma-hooey again?
- Davis Quinton: It's called a "home smart alarm". Karen can show you how it works.
- [a closeup of the new "alarm" reveals that it is just an old calculator taped to the wall]
- Karen Pelly: Sure. You just take the number of people in the house, multiply that by how scared you are, add the number of doors, then press "AC", which stands for access code, and there you have it: "0" chance of break-in.
- Emma Leroy: And it's a silent alarm?
- Davis Quinton: Oh yeah, it gives off a high-pitched sound that only burglars can hear.
- Oscar Leroy: That is smart. And it's a Casio! They make good stuff.