Matt Chapman: Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, The Cheat, Coach Z, Bubs, The King of Town, Homsar, Additional Voices, Self

Quotes 

• Strong Bad : [email intro; singing]  Start your day the SBEmail way, and never get out of bed!

• [the characters filled a swimming pool with gelatinous Fluffy Puff Translucent Dessert Related Substance during the winter, successfully turning the pool into jello] 

  Strong Sad : We're ready!

  Strong Bad : All right!

  [He looks around expectantly] 

  Strong Bad : Well, where are they?

  Strong Sad : Where are who?

  Strong Bad : Well, I thought this much gelatin would sorta naturally attract oiled-up bikini wrestlers.

  Homestar Runner : *I* thought it would naturally attract oiled-up Bill Cosby.

• [Strong Sad reviews Virtualpiz.biz] 

  Strong Sad : With a clunky UI and a played-out avatar system, Virtualpiz.biz misses the mark! That, and every time I tried to add Strong Bad to my Pizz list, he'd call me Thelonius Dump!

• Homestar Runner : [Repeated quote]  Hoo-yeah!

• [Coach Z is in the pool, while Strong Mad stands beside it with his back to him. He lowers his singlet to reveal a message written on his back] 

  Coach Z : [reading the message]  "Your tiny bathing suit demeans us all!" Aw, fine, then! I'll take it orf!

  [He puts his hand in the water and pulls out a tiny pink g-strap. The water turns black around him, accopanied by a bizarre humming noise] 

  Strong Mad : Put it back on! PUT IT BACK ON!

• [at Strong Bad's funeral, a recording of himself reading his eulogy plays] 

  Strong Bad : Greetings, blubbering masses! Pull yourselves together! And turn off the snot works! We are gathered here to di...

  [the recording abruptly turns into a rap performed by Coach Z] 

  Coach Z : I hope I'm not recording over anything important! Okay, drop it! Coach, Z, Coach, Z, 1, 2, 3, 4, I said Coach, Z, Coach, Z, 1, 2...

  Homestar Runner : Thank you, Strong Bad. And now a reading from the book of phone. Chapter 16: Pizza Places. Aardvark Pizza. Abraham Lincoln's Pizza Cabin. Acupuncture and Pizza: Open late, free delivery!

• [Strong Bad does different interpretations of the email closing, "Have fun, Sarah, QLD", besides "Quick, Look Down"] 

  Strong Bad : [reading]  "Have Fun, Sarah, Quarter Leg, Dark". Are you trying to order fried chicken?

  [scene restarts] 

  Strong Bad : "Sarah, Quiet Loser Dork". Well, it's very big of you to admit that.

  [scene restarts] 

  Strong Bad : "Quivering Live Dwarfs"! Uh... that's my album name.

  [scene restarts] 

  Strong Bad : "Quit Lumbering Down". Hey, I'm not lumbering down!

  [scene restarts] 

  Strong Bad : "Quickly Losing Dignity". Yes. Yes, you are.

• Strong Sad : [to Homestar]  What's two plus two?

  Homestar Runner : Well, the force between any two charges is equal to the absolute value of the multiple of the charges divided by four pi times the vacuum permittivity times the distance squared between the two charges.

  Strong Sad : No, no, no, stupid! That's Coulomb's law.

  Homestar Runner : Oh, right, sorry. Two plus two? That's easy, 22.

• [Strong Bad has written a fan fiction about the King of Town, involving him eating some whatsit] 

  Strong Bad : [imitating the King]  I can't believe I ate that whole pile of whatsit!

  [normal voice] 

  Strong Bad : ... said the King of Town.

  The King of Town : I wish that *were* fiction...

• Strong Bad : Let a little email into your heart, and it'll clog your arteries!

• Daphne : Hey, gals! Let's towel off and meet up at Strong Bad's Strong Badian Pizza...

  Cheerleader : This is taking too long!

  What's Her Face : I'm already bored!

  So and So : I'm going home!

  The Ugly One : I belong in a museum!

• Strong Sad : [as Strong Bad puts on body spray]  Strong Bad, are you putting on body spray?

  Strong Bad : Shut up! Guys don't wear body spray. This is, uh, the blood... of slain... warrior... mammoths.

• [Strong Bad contradicts licensing stuff by being famous and that you don't need to be famous to license stuff] 

  Strong Bad : The true sign of being famous is in the *unlicensed* stuff! And we're all over that! In fact, we've got our own application process for becoming an officially licensed unlicensed seller of Strong Bad and The Cheat knock-offs. The main requirements are that the country of manufacture has changed its name five times since I was in seventh grade, that you sell your wares from a blanket or inside a trench coat, that you always refer to the selling of our items as "numba one bargain", and that one of us has to have a human nose.

• [Strong Bad plans to see a movie rated RRR at a movie theater, wearing a fedora and holding a briefcase, with Bubs and Coach Z, dressed as college-aged boys, in tow] 

  Strong Bad : [walking up to usher Senor Cardgage, rubbing his back in pretend pain]  Ow, my pension.

  [to Senor Cardgage] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, hello, my good man. Just taking my two sons here, who are home from college, to see their first triple R-rated movie.

  [he gestures to Bubs and Coach Z] 

  Coach Z : Hey, Pop, can I borrow the Vorlvo?

  Bubs : Dad, Trina and I are moving in together.

  Strong Bad : [to Bubs and Coach Z]  I'll deal with you two later!

  [back to Senor, chuckling] 

  Strong Bad : Kids who are old enough for me to be in my sixties. What're you gonna do?

  Senor Cardgage : I'm sorry, Bridget, but can I steep some identificaption?

  Strong Bad : [feeling in his pants]  Uh, I seem to have left my identificaption in my other, older, and more professional briefcase...

  Senor Cardgage : Soggy, Junior. Come back when you're all grold up.

• [Strong Bad talks about what cereals have what kind of prizes in them to go for the ones with toys in them] 

  Strong Bad : The first hazard you have to watch out for is cereals with anything grown in Iowa in the name. You know, corn, wheat, oats, hogs, fundamentally-sound college basketball players. Please, do stay away from these. Those cereals only ever put fitness-related crap in specially marked boxes.

  [he shows a step counter and speaks sarcastically] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, great. I can count how many steps I took today.

  [Next, he shows a defibrillator and again speaks sarcastically] 

  Strong Bad : Fantastic. I can restart my heart if it stops.

  [normal voice] 

  Strong Bad : What you do want to look for are cereals with sound effects in the name: smacks, pops, puffs, blasts, and, um, gunshots in a crowded mall. You know, the kind with the squarish, sugared pieces of Styrofoam that they claim are marshmallows. These are guaranteed to have a nice, big, reach-your-nasty-unwashed-hand-straight-to-the-bottom-of-the-box toy in it.

• [Intro for the 200th email] 

  The Poopsmith : [singing]  Two hundred SBEmails, exhausting just to think about. How can we face two hundred SBEmails? The thought of all those SBEmails makes me weeeeeeak!

  Strong Bad : [also singing; overlapping]  *Puke*!

  [to the audience] 

  Strong Bad : Please be seated.

  [the Homestar characters watching sit down] 

  Strong Bad : How about that Poopsmith, huh? Breaking his vow of silence to perform my two hundredth SBEmail intro song.

  [his voice wavers] 

  Strong Bad : I'm almost... sniff... not totally disgusted.

  [the Poopsmith gives a thumbs-up] 

  Strong Bad : Yeah, I take that back.

• Homestar Runner : [after discovering that Bubs has become a giant]  Oh my crap! Bubs turned us all into ants! That fortune cookie knew what he was talking about! Come on, everyone. Let's go steal a slice of chocolate cake from that picnic table over there.

• Strong Bad : [singing]  When I was sixteen, I sold all my emails and hit the road.

• [Strong Bad tries to receive an image overhaul to keep himself young, and he consults Bubs on how to do it] 

  Bubs : Well, I've been noticing how kids love anything with a lowercase "i" in front of it. It's working great for me down at the concession stand.

  [Homestar and Homsar are seen standing in line at the stand, beside a sign reading "0% off on all iTems!"] 

  Homestar Runner : [to Homsar]  Hey, Homestar, what color iTem are you gonna get?

  [Back to Bubs and Strong Bad's discussion] 

  Bubs : We could try iStrong, or iBad...

  Strong Bad : We already tried that with lowercase "e"s back in the late '90s. We all know where that got us.

  [various boxes labeled "eStrong Vague Online Investments" are displayed in a dark warehouse] 

• Bubs : Crabadonk!

• E-mail : [with Strong Bad reading]  Mr...

  [sic] 

  E-mail : ...Strong Bad...

  [he reads "Mr" as "Mere"] 

  Strong Bad : Hey, I am no mere Strong Bad, okay?

  [He continues reading] 

  E-mail : I have three sons that wish to join the Strongbadia army. Do you have any pamphlets, brochures, video information that could assist. Yours, Paul, Perth, Western Australia.

  Strong Bad : [typing response]  Look Perthy Paul, I've been over this already: Strong Badia doesn't have/need an army. When we need muscle, we farm it out to our favorite band of shady missionaries, er, I mean mercenaries, MERCENARIES! In fact, if your sons are so bonzer to enlist, they can just swing by their booth at our Vaguely Military Career Fair, which just happens to be starting right now!

  [the Cheat walks up behind him] 

  The Cheat : [the Cheat noises] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, it's not for three weeks? Okay.

• [Strong Bad is going out to Club Technochocolate] 

  Strong Bad : [narrating]  Of course, the cloughb only lets the freshest clientèle inside. But my name has been laser-etched into the guest list by now.

  [Strong Bad approaches the club entrance, where Strong Mad is the bouncer] 

  Strong Mad : NAME, PLEASE!

  Strong Bad : Come on, man, drop the act! I've gotta get into the pwahty cloughb!

  Strong Mad : [looking at a grease-stained Blubb-O's bag]  YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST!

  Strong Bad : The list? You're looking at a greasy bag of fast food!

  Strong Mad : DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF!

  [he laughs] 

  Strong Bad : Wait, what? Strong Mad, did you just make a joke? That was pretty good. Now how about letting me in?

  Strong Mad : NAME, PLEASE!

  Strong Bad : Uh, Spicy Crispy Chicken Melt... Johnson.

  Strong Mad : [letting Strong Bad pass]  NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MR. JOHNSON!

• [Strong Bad is at Club Technochocolate. He walks up to the bar, which Bubs is tending] 

  Bubs : [to Strong Bad]  Well, if it isn't my main man, Spicy Crispy Chicken Melt.

  Strong Bad : I need the brightest, glowiest drink in the house.

  Bubs : How about a nice Pink Elephant Pants?

  Strong Bad : I'll take it!

  Bubs : [produces an eyedropper full of some green liquid]  That'll be $17.50.

  Strong Bad : Whoa! You guys must be having a sale.

• Strong Bad : Some would say, "pocket". I say, "in my pants".

• [a meeting of The Deleteheads, a Strong Bad fan club presided by Strong Sad, is about to start] 

  Strong Sad : [to the other members, which include Strong Mad and The Cheat]  All right, deleteheads. It's been a big week for the fan club. We finally switched over our web hosting from Geofire to Angelcities. And they've upgraded all of our dead links to hyperlinks. We also had several interesting discussions in the ongoing debate series, "Non Sequitur Champion: Cardgage or Homsar".

  Homsar : [also a member]  My name's Millions, and I'm the son of a Chipwich.

  Strong Sad : Well, debate's over. Oh, and I just received confirmation today that Abdi LaRue, sender of the first Strong Bad Email, is a lock for this year's FHQWHfest. And there's a rumor going around that Stro Bro himself might show up to sign autographs!

  [Strong Bad walks by behind him as he and The Cheat carry a really long sub sandwich] 

  Strong Bad : Yeah... I'm not comin'.

  Strong Sad : Don't forget to bombard Strong Bad with emails on Sunday night. I think we should go with asking about Bubs' first wife. Some good potential there. She was a real firebrand, that one!

• Bubs : You heard the latest news?

  Coach Z : What's that?

  Bubs : The young'uns filled the swimmin' hole with red jellos!

  Coach Z : You know, I once had a student in my health class, name of Red Angelo. True story! His folks named him that. And he had a sister named Grape Flavored Jello With Fruit Floatin' In It. No bull!

  [Annoyed, Bubs goes down into his concession stand basement] 

  Coach Z : And if you flash your lights at a car with its headlights off, you get shot by gangsters!

• [Strong Bad tries to receive an image overhaul to keep himself young, and he consults Marzipan on how to do it] 

  Marzipan : I came up with a few ways to spruce up your look, and add hundreds to your resale value.

  Strong Bad : I am legally obligated to ask you to proceed.

  [Marzipan shows off a diagram of Strong Bad's head. Various changes are made to the diagram as Marzipan says:] 

  Marzipan : Thanks. First, we're gonna start with a flagstone path leading up to your chin, right here. Then we'll fill the negative space around your head with Forsythia and maybe some Alberta spruce. And last, we install a water feature right here...

  [pointing to the diagram Strong Bad's forehead] 

  Marzipan : ...which I think will create a great focal point for entertaining summer guests.

  [she then adds some tables and chairs around the diagram] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, this'll work great, Marzipan...

  [in her face; yelling] 

  Strong Bad : ...if I was a BACKYARD!

• Stinkoman : Sometimes I wish I could challenge my own self.

  [Suddenly, a second Stinkoman appears in front of him] 

  Second Stinkoman : [in 1-Up's voice]  I'm Stinkoman.

  Stinkoman : WAAAAAAAAH!

• Homestar Runner : [playing with an Atari controller]  I'm about to win!

  [the power goes out] 

  Homestar Runner : Aww.

  [the power goes back on] 

  Homestar Runner : I'm about to win!

  [the power goes out again] 

  Homestar Runner : Aww.

  [the power comes back on, but the camera reveals that Homestar is simply manipulating a joystick while sitting in front of a screen reading, "Please Insert Game Pak, Kid!"] 

  Homestar Runner : I'm really about to win!

  [the power goes out yet again] 

  Homestar Runner : Again with the aww.

• Strong Bad : [email intro; singing]  Coach Z is not that cool. Here comes an email.

• Strong Bad : Check the deck, y'all! Press eject, y'all! Well, it's another email and it's about to reject y'all!

  E-mail : Dear Strongbad, Is the Paper really quitting? Could you tell me the best moment that you had with the paper? Thank You Kyle, Williams, North Ogden, Utah

  Strong Bad : [typing response]  No, The Paper's not quitting, Kyle, you total Ogdenite. Ol' Papes is at the top of his game, the prime of his time, the cusp of his stuff!

  [the printer that provides the Paper falls off the ceiling and onto Strong Bad] 

  Strong Bad : OW!

  [the printer is a wreck, but manages to print out a sheet of paper with the text on it reading, "I tHiNK i'MM rEAlllyy QUItTinG sTROng BBBaD"] 

  Strong Bad : The Paper! NO! Why do all my thirty-year-old electronics keep breaking on me?

  [another sheet of paper is printed, reading, "wE haDd A goOd RUN, oLD buDddy."] 

  Strong Bad : We sure did, pal.

• Strong Bad : [talking about writing love poems]  Women love it when you talk Elizabethan. But you shouldn't be afraid to get Kimberlian or Meredithian if the need arises.

  [a Teen Girl Squad scene is shown, with Cheerleader and So and So] 

  Cheerleader : [to So and So]  I can't stand the way Meredith talks!

  [Meredith approaches, looking really pleased] 

  Meredith : I'th hath a cruth on ethry boy'th!

  [Kimberly then runs in] 

  Kimberly : I herly berly on gerly werly!

  [Suddenly, the Arrow'd Guy appears, dressed as William Shakespeare] 

  Arrow'd Guy : [impaling Meredith and Kimberly with a spear]  Shakespeared!

• [the King of Town's As Seen on TV Low-Fat Cooking Device has just been disqualified from the pet show] 

  The King of Town : I told you you'd never amount to anything! I'm not even your real father!

• [the viewer finds a Mozilla Firefox "Address Not Found" page. Then Strong Sad, in his Deleteheads hat, pops up] 

  Strong Sad : Oh, no, you don't!

  [he gestures toward Strong Mad and The Cheat, also in their Deleteheads hats, camping out] 

  Strong Sad : The Deleteheads started camping out for SBEmail 200 weeks ago. Back of the line!

  [nobody is behind them] 

  Strong Sad : But there's really no one else here yet, so... you can get right behind us. We're gonna play "Name That Inconsistency" later on if you want to join us. Don't even think about eating any of our Sun Chips! I packed those special!

• [Strong Bad, dressed as a flight attendant, gives safety instructions for playing the Nintendo Wii] 

  Strong Bad : Hello. And welcome to Strong Bad Gameways. Thank you for playing with us today. Please take a moment to familiarize your bad self with the following safety precautions. Due to the possibility of in-game wiggle and waggle, it is recommended that you play your game in a large, open space, free of debris, rubble, and flotsam and Jetsons. Ideal play spaces include: gymnasiums, abandoned airplane hangars, deserts, and fruitèd plains. If you are seated in a window seat, please be advised that the Baba Jaga may show up to steal your firstborn baby. Lastly, your game controller is equipped with a safety cover that can double as a flotation device. Simply pull on the cord, and the device will inflate. But we're not quite safe enough yet. At this time, you may want to inflate your own safety vest to prevent *anything* from ever happening. On behalf of our awesome-based crew, thank you for playing with us. You are now fully prepared to enjoy your game in total unplayable safety.

  [cut to Strong Bad and Strong Sad with their Wii in the basement. Since their safety vests are inflated, they are unable to move the controllers] 

  Strong Sad : I think my contents may have shifted!

  Strong Bad : Oh, man. This is the best game I've never played!

• Homestar Runner : [to Strong Bad on love poems]  Everybody knows I'm the only one around here with any real no-arms-on experience with the lady-makes. Just listen to this little make-out inducing number I threw together this mo'nin'!

  [singing and dancing] 

  Homestar Runner : This mo'nin'!

  [Strong Bad dances with him] 

  Homestar Runner : This mo, re-mo, re-mo-mo'nin'!

  Strong Bad : All right, but only 'cause that little song was kinda cool.

  [Homestar clears his throat and holds a piece of paper with the word "MARZIPAN" written on it] 

  Homestar Runner : "M" is for milk, the real stuff, not soy. "A" is for not-organic apples; pesticides ahoy! "R" is for raisins; they give me bad gas. "Z" is too hard, so at this one, I'll pass. "I" is for inchiladas!

  [sic] 

  Homestar Runner : And...

  Strong Bad : [upset]  Homestar!

  Homestar Runner : Yeah, what's up?

  Strong Bad : That's not a love poem, that is a lavishly produced grocery list!

  Homestar Runner : No, here's my grocery list.

  [produces another piece of paper] 

  Homestar Runner : Amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing.

  Strong Bad : Whoa, where you been shopping?

  Homestar Runner : SkyMall.

• [Coach Z's Nicetown Players perform a skit about being nice] 

  Coach Z : Oh, man. What a great pratty. I wonder what kid's house this is.

  Marzipan : I wonder if he likes me. Will I make the team? I wish my parents would stop fighting.

  Strong Mad : Is this my cue?

  Coach Z : Hey, Pants Pull-Upper! Nice pulled-up... pants!

  Marzipan : I shouldn't laugh, but I want to fit in. Good one, Head Male Cheerleader!

  [Strong Mad runs away crying] 

  Coach Z : My parents' room is out of town in my car. Wanna go park out?

  Marzipan : But what about that poor nerd?

  Coach Z : Ah, who cares about...

  [Strong Mad runs back in swinging a spiked baseball bat, but the scene freezes right before Coach Z and Marzipan get hit] 

  Marzipan : This is why besing mean is not always the best choice.

  [Strong Mad continues to tap Coach Z with the bat while Marzipan talks] 

• [Strong Bad is about to perform a magic trick on Homestar of sawing him in half. Homestar is in a box, wearing fake arms. Strong Bad holds a saw] 

  Strong Bad : Now, we've never met before, have we, sir?

  Homestar Runner : No, good buddy Strong Bad. We have never met.

  Strong Bad : You look like a man of many arms.

  Homestar Runner : Yeah, I'm like an octopus.

  Strong Bad : All right, hold still! This might hurt a lottle!

  [suddenly, Homestar's phony arms fall off] 

  Coach Z : [watching]  That saw didn't even touch him! He's pure evil!

• Homestar Runner : [interrupting a chat between Strong Bad and The Cheat]  Hey, Strong Bad! Hey, The Squeak! I'm here to make all your dreams come true.

  Strong Bad : The Cheat and I are in the middle of a sentence here!

  Homestar Runner : What about fifteen cents? I'm here to make fifteen cents come true!

  [he tosses three coins on the ground beside Strong Bad] 

  Strong Bad : Hey Homestar, I've got an idea. Wanna play hide n' seek?

  Homestar Runner : Ooh, that's way better! I'll hide and you seek!

  [Homestar runs off] 

  Strong Bad : Ugh.

  [he turns back to The Cheat] 

  Strong Bad : Anyways, back to our sentence...

• E-mail : Hails and Horns Strong Bad ,\m/ Have you ever been watching your favorite shows and sequels, and suddenly realized that your favorite character has been unscrupulously replaced with another actor? Nicholas & Antonio Lansing, Michigan

  Strong Bad : Wait, you guys are really asking me that? We do that to you people all the time. There've been like twelve King of Towns. And are you telling me you've already forgotten about the original Bubs?

  [cut to flashback] 

  Homestar Runner : Hi, Original Bubs! How's original business?

  Original Bubs : Hey, Homestar. I can see you from here!

  Homestar Runner : That's some great eyesight, Original Bubs!

  Strong Bad : [voiceover]  But it wasn't all good eyesight and cheap prices. Behind the scenes lay a thick bubbling pit of crude turmoil!

  Original Bubs : Who ate all the mayo off of my egg salad? And how?

  The King of Town : It's a proprietary technique I can't reveal!

  Original Bubs : This is the first and last straw! I'm outta here, you amateurs!

• [Strong Bad has told about the Original Bubs and how the Bubs of today is a new one; Bubs angrily clears his throat behind Strong Bad to get his attention] 

  Strong Bad : [looking at Bubs]  Oh, hey, New Bubs.

  Bubs : [clenching his flippers into fists and waving them menacingly]  We're gonna need a new *Strong Bad* in about two seconds!

  Strong Bad : [reminiscing]  Yeah, Original Bubs used to threaten me like that. It just doesn't sound the same coming out of you.

  [Bubs punches Strong Bad in the face four times] 

  Strong Bad : Yeah, Original Bubs used to pummel me senseless like that. It just doesn't sound...

  [Bubs raises one fist menacingly; Strong Bad panics] 

  Strong Bad : Okay, okay, okay!

  Bubs : You tell these people that *I'm* the original Buh... b'suh.

  Strong Bad : All right, you're the original Bubs!

  Bubs : [no longer angry]  That's right!

  [he turns to the camera] 

  Bubs : One hundred percent all original Bubs! If I had thumbs, I'd be sticking 'em up my armpits right now!

• Homestar Runner : [selling Strong Bad flavored water]  I got your Strong Bad water right here! S-B-2-O! Bottled at the source. Pure as a mountain goat.

  [Strong Bad and The Cheat walk up, the latter holding a briefcase] 

  Strong Bad : All right, The Cheat, let's sue him!

  [they open the briefcase, which has water balloons inside. They take them out and bombard Homestar with them] 

  Homestar Runner : Hooray! The orders are violently flying in!

• [Strong Sad reviews "Email Thunder"] 

  Strong Sad : In his shocking 200th episode, Strong Bad turns the entire series on its ear. Will we ever see a 201? Is the reign of HREmails at hand? For the answers to these questions, be sure and *not* check out my blog. I haven't updated that thing in years!

• [Strong Sad and Marzipan are picketing Strong Bad's computer usage] 

  Strong Sad , Marzipan : [chanting in unison]  Scrappy the Lappy! We think it's really crappy!

• Strong Bad : [entering his bathroom, tired]  Sleepy... Sleepy pee...

  [suddenly, a tired Homestar with his shirt tattered pops out of the bathtub] 

  Homestar Runner : [shouting]  Ah, you found me!

  Strong Bad : [surprised beyond belief]  Homestar, what are you doing in here?

  Homestar Runner : Remember last spring when you asked if I wanted to play hide 'n' seek?

  Strong Bad : But I've taken at least three baths since then.

  Homestar Runner : Oh, I've been in here.

  [Strong Bad screams] 

• [Marzipan and Homsar are having a tea party] 

  Marzipan : And that's why I believe the DNA evidence had been tampered with.

  [the Cheat, covered in whatsit, lands on Marzipan's table] 

  Homsar : Why, hello there, chocolate cake!

• [Strong Bad and The Cheat are having a tea party] 

  Strong Bad : And that's when I tampered with the DNA evidence!

• Man in Movie : But when I returned, the DNA evidence was gone!

  Strong Sad : Ooh, and he had a cameo as Stevedore #2 in the prequel, and he was in that car commercial with the wisecracking transmission, and he has a Bacon number of 4!

  Strong Bad : [to Strong Sad]  And this is my fist! You might remember it from Bloodied Pulp, the amazingly true story of your face in five seconds!

  Strong Sad : He was in Dangeresque 1 and 2!

• Homestar Runner : You wanna know what my dream job would be?

  Strong Bad : No! I mean, no! I mean, no!

  Homestar Runner : I'd be the guy that flies around on that big plastic goldfish, painting the clouds with an oversized novelty toothbrush!

  [as Homestar talks, an animation of his dream job plays onscreen] 

  Strong Bad : Hey, how come *your* imagination's working?

  Homestar Runner : Oh, I got admin privileges! It helps when you're best friends with the Big Cheese!

  [Pom Pom enters and begins commanding Homestar] 

  Homestar Runner : Agh! The Big Cheese! Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Right away, sir. Hallelujah, sir. I'll have that DNA evidence on your desk by five.

• [Homestar is sitting all alone in Marzipan's darkened living room. He gives a sigh] 

  Homestar Runner : DNA evidence.

• [Strong Bad does a product endorsement for a cereal called Temporarios after competing in the Strong Badathlon] 

  Strong Bad : Whoa, wipe my brow. Winning gold medals takes a lot of hard cereal and dedication. That's why I eat Temporarios, the official cereal of athletes you won't remember in two weeks.

  [he holds a box of Temporarios] 

  Strong Bad : Temporarios, 'cause I'm don't get paid!

  [sic] 

• [Strong Bad and Strong Sad are taking jobs at an office in separate cubicles] 

  Strong Sad : [looking into Strong Bad's cubicle]  Hey, cube neighbor, my work staysh is asking me if I want to log off or log out. Which one do I choose?

  Strong Bad : [scoffs]  Stupid temp. You don't know the difference between logging off and logging out?

  Strong Sad : Well, no. Back when I was in charge of the schwa sound at dictionary.com they used to...

  Strong Bad : Look, just hold down escape, control, tab, alt, both shifts, num lock and the little squiggly until your screen turns blue. Then, stare at it until your shift ends.

  Strong Sad : Oh, thanks!

• [Strong Sad reviews The Pizz, a pizza place that Strong Bad somehow created successfully] 

  Strong Sad : Rustic and filled with old-world cardboard charm, The Pizz serves up Strong Badian-style pizza at a price that won't leave a dent in your wallet!

• Strong Bad : [talking about annoying moviegoers]  It begins with the genius who can't resist answering the oh-so-challenging film trivia slides they show before the movie.

  [the Homestar characters are in the theater, looking at the screen] 

  Coach Z : Oh, I know this one! Pan-and-scan! The Brat Pack! Spencer Tracy!

  Strong Bad : [sitting behind him]  Real impressive, Ebert. We've only seen this slide ten times since we all sat down.

  Announcer : [on movie screen]  If you answered "B", you're ready for film school.

  [the movie screen displays a "Movie & Refreshment Trivia" slide, whose correct answer is apparently "B: Ice Cold Refreshment"] 

  Coach Z : [hitting himself]  Aw, it was "Ice Cold Refreshment". I should've known.

• [at the end of "Winter Pool"] 

  Bubs : Well, email 187 is in the can.

  Coach Z : 187? Oh! Get down!

  [he covers his head] 

  Bubs : What do you think you're doing?

  Coach Z : There's a 187! Break yourself, Bubs!

  Bubs : I oughta break your face!

  Coach Z : I knew I shouldn't have flashed my brights at that hooptie full of gangsters!

• [Strong Bad is discussing what should be done with his corpse] 

  Strong Bad : I'm gonna be taxidermied! Nothing sums up my life's achievements quite like my stuffed corpse suplexing a cougar. It'll be kept in a place of honor for all the world to want to make out with.

  [Homestar enters and hangs his hat and coat on Strong Bad's corpse] 

  Homestar Runner : Marzipan, I'm home!

  Marzipan : Did you find the DNA evidence?

  Homestar Runner : Not yet, but I'm getting close!

• [Strong Bad's plan to see a movie rated RRR with help from Bubs and Coach Z has failed] 

  Bubs : [to Strong Bad]  Man, I told you that lame-brained plan wouldn't work. We shoulda been *your* parents.

  Strong Bad : What? I'm way too good-looking for anyone to think I'm you guys' kid. And Coach Z only *kinda* looks like my mom.

  Coach Z : Hey, thanks! You want I should shave my legs?

  Strong Bad : Ignoring that.

• Strong Bad : Homestar, are you and Marzipan even dating right now?

  Homestar Runner : [laughing]  Are we even dating right now? Are we even d... Are we even da...

  [sadly] 

  Homestar Runner : No, she broke up with me again this morning.

  Strong Bad : This morning?

  Homestar Runner : Oh, I mean...

  [singing and dancing] 

  Homestar Runner : ... this mo'nin'!

  [Strong Bad joins him] 

  Strong Bad , Homestar Runner : [in unison]  This mo'nin'! This mo, re-mo, re-mo...

• Marzipan : What's the matter, Homestar?

  Homestar Runner : I miss Original Bubs.

  Marzipan : Homestar, Strong Bad made all that stuff up.

  Homestar Runner : You can't make up eyesight that good.

  [Homestar begins sobbing] 

  Homestar Runner : He could always see me from over there!

• [Coach Z begins vacuuming while Strong Bad answers an email at work] 

  Coach Z : Hey there, salaried employee.

  Strong Bad : [groans]  'Sup, hourly wage?

  Coach Z : I couldn't help but notice you're checkin' one a yer emails there. Boy, do I have some good ideas for words to type in an email.

  Strong Bad : Yeah, sorry, I'm not really takin' suggestions right now.

  Coach Z : Aww, dat's too bad. Sure would be unfarchunate if yer boss found out you was checkin' yer Sbemails at work!

  Strong Bad : All right, all right! What do you want me to type?

  Coach Z : Ooh, great! Okay, let's see... P... f... a... r... g... t... l? Is that a word?

  Strong Bad : Pfargtl?

  Coach Z : Yeah! Is that a word?

  [Strong Bad hits his head on the keyboard] 

  Strong Bad : Does it *sound* like a word?

  Coach Z : Well I dunno. I only know a few.

• Homestar Runner : Hey! What the pfargtl?

• Strong Bad : Once it became apparent that Original Bubs was gone for good, there was an interim period of rotating guest Bubs. Like when talk show hosts have surgery, or go to jail.

  [cut to flashback] 

  Homestar Runner : Hey there, Senator Cardgage Bubs. Let me get a manila cheese Coke!

  Senor Cardgage : Oh, I should eat a pony.

  [cut to new flashback] 

  Crack Stuntman : [quickly rising from behind counter]  Blah! What can I get? For you fine gentlemen?

  Strong Bad : Never mind, Crack Stunt-Bubs.

  Crack Stuntman : Oh, I should eat a pony.

  Strong Bad : [voiceover]  And don't forget fan favorite, Onion Bubs.

  [cut to random people cheering offscreen for Onion Bubs, then to present-day Strong Bad at his Lappy] 

  Strong Bad : Finally, we had to settle on a little known Bubs with zero experience. And it's been downhill ever since.

• [Strong Sad reviews "Pizza Joint"] 

  Strong Sad : Strong Bad phones this one in with Strong Bad Email 179. Despite a strong showing from fan favorite Strong Sad, the email ultimately fizzles due to a heavy reliance on what can only be called "internet pizza jokes".

• Strong Bad : [continuing his discussion on annoying moviegoers]  And if you think the guy sitting next to you munching popcorn is bad...

  [the Cheat is seated beside Strong Bad eating popcorn] 

  Strong Bad : ...try going to a theater where people regularly sneak in their own all-you-can-eat fajitas!

  [the King of Town is seated elsewhere in the theater, holding up a frying pan full of sizzling food, and looks toward the camera] 

  The King of Town : What? This was all in my box of Milk Duds.

  [his loyal subjects appear behind him, dressed as a mariachi band. They play a short mariachi tune] 

• [Strong Bad is checking an email from work] 

  E-mail : Dear Strong Bad, if you could have any job in the whole world, regardless of how much it pays, what would you have? From The Nitwon.

  [Strong Bad pronounces "Nitwon" as "Nittle One", then types his response] 

  Strong Bad : You ask like I haven't told you guys a million times... I'd be a 2nd 2nd Assistant Space Whale Scrubber! 'Cause those are the ones that get to wear that glittery pantsuit and use a lazormop to scrub all the nudules and crudules off the whale's dorsal ridge!

  [Nothing happens] 

  Strong Bad : Umm, shouldn't we be seeing some of this by now?

  Bubs : [walking up behind Strong Bad, mimicking a buzzer]  Baaghh! Sorry, Strong Bad. The suits had me install a firewall on your imagination! All that free thinking was wasting the company's cost money.

  Strong Bad : Oh, that's it! I'm totally never gonna quit this job, but start complaining about it a little bit more!

  Bubs : [walking off]  Well, I'd better get back to tasering that gnome! Er, I mean, upgrading the tasering that gnome!... server.

• [Strong Bad and The Cheat's edge-havery has resulted in them falling into a dark hole, with only their eyes visible] 

  Strong Bad : Whoa, where are we? I suddenly feel so... easy to animate.

• [Strong Bad and The Cheat have sawed a hole in the floor and fell in. Strong Sad looks in] 

  Strong Bad : [calling up to Strong Sad]  Could you get on the Internet and look up if cutting a hole in your own floor is edgy?

  Strong Sad : Uh, sure.

  [he mimes typing] 

  Strong Sad : Tappity-tappity-tap. Yeah, I just checked. It is.

  Strong Bad : Awesome! I thought so. Where'd you check, like "Have Most Edge Guy" or edgetangle.com? One of those?

  Strong Sad : Yup, all the most popular sites. Uh, they recommend staying in the hole for a few days too. So I can finish my novellique.

  Strong Bad : Oh, cool!

• Strong Bad : [to Coach Z, who is a janitor at an office]  Oh, dan... guh. Dang. Oh, dang! I think some customer service rep just puked up her microwave lasagna! You'd better go sprinkle sawdust all over it.

  Coach Z : [excited]  This is what I live for!

  [he runs off, taking his janitorial supplies with him] 

• [Strong Bad continues his discussion on unlicensed licensees] 

  Strong Bad : Another great knock-off is DVDs. The ones that are slight variations of slightly animated kids' movies. The kind they put right next to the check-out line, so Grandma might accidentally mistake it for the real thing. And they have titles like...

  [a case depicting Strong Bad in a dress, The Cheat as a mouse, and Homestar as an ominous silhouette appears] 

  Strong Bad : "The Secret Princess and Her Oppressive Supervisor 4". And the always popular...

  [a second case, depicting Strong Bad as a lion at a desk and The Cheat as a toucan, appears] 

  Strong Bad : "Jungle Animals in Decidedly Non-Jungle Situations".

• Strong Bad : One of our primary unlicensed licensees is shady daycares. You know, the kind that are open 24 hours and are surrounded by barbed wire.

  [a daycare center called Papa Cardgage's Puddin' Patch is depicted] 

  Strong Bad : They *love* to illegally use trademarked characters to earn desperate parents' trust.

  Senor Cardgage : [inside the daycare, singing to "Frère Jacques"]  Where is Tompkins? Where is coleslaw? Here I am...

  Strong Bad : Man, if I ever have kids, I can't wait to drop 'em off at the puddin' patch every morning on my way to the dog tracks!

• [Strong Bad has been asked via email from Paul M. Pasquella if there are ancient ruins buried under Strong Badia] 

  Strong Bad : Well, Pauly Pasqually, I know for sure there's a lotta *something* buried deep under Strong Badia. Mainly cause I rent out the dirt to unsavory characters in need of a place to stash, ditch, or make disappear, the evidence of their choice. I never really thought that there might be ancient ruins down there, though. I think this calls for America's coolest children's game show consolation prize: the metal detector!

• Strong Bad : [reading "Molly T. Charlotte, N.C."]  "Molly T. Charlotte, Not Charlotte". Whoa, it's like your no place.

• [Strong Bad has been asked via email from Molly T. on how to do a middle-school-appropriate diorama] 

  Strong Bad : No sense in thinking about this one until you're on the bus on the way to school the morning it's due. Then it's time to whip out my old standby-orama: the whimsical world of school supplies! But dioramas shouldn't be wasted, Mollyman. This is probably the only school-approved opportunity to melt small plastic animals and shame our beloved literary characters that you're ever gonna get. I say embrace it! I say deface it! Here are my tips: first off, behind every good diorama is an even gooder...

  [sic] 

  Strong Bad : ... shoebox. So unless you wanna get called The Stride-Rite Kid for the rest of your life, you better go buy a pair of the coolest, most expensive shoes on the market. Or at least modify a box of cheapo generic shoes to look expensive.

• [Senor Cardgage is doing a commercial for Air Cardgage] 

  Senor Cardgage : Oh. Hello-quialism.

  [he sees that he is holding a shoe and a basketball] 

  Senor Cardgage : Who are these guys?

  Announcer : All new 2008 Air Cardgage! Only 249.99.99.99! Only at Styles Upon Styles.

  Senor Cardgage : This is not what I sagged on for.

• Strong Bad : [talking about R-rated movies]  The only thing better than R-rated movies are double and triple R-rated movies! Let me break down the subtle differences for you. In an R-rated movie, the good guy only blows people up in self-defense. But double R-rated movies are allowed to blur the line! Man, I saw this one double R-rated movie, where the good guy stepped on this rabbit, and he didn't kill it, but then later on in the movie, he wished he did! The *good guy*! That's messed up, man! You can't let kids watch that kind of thing! Then in triple R-rated movies, you can show bullets go all the way through people! In the front, through their guts and organs and breakfast and RIGHT OUT the BACK! That is nasty, man!

  [a green movie rating card with a rating of "RRR" is shown] 

  Strong Bad : There's some triple R-rated stuff out there that even I can't stomach.

• Strong Bad : [reading email]  "Hey Strong Bad, me and some of my friends are thinking of doing a web comic together and I was wondering if you had any suggestions for us. Thanks a lot"

  [stops reading; under his breath] 

  Strong Bad : ... for not using punctuation.

  [resumes reading] 

  Strong Bad : "Gunkiller..."

  [he pronounces it as "Gunk-iller"] 

  Strong Bad : "Standing right behind you."

  [typing response] 

  Strong Bad : Who are you, Gunhaver's evil twin brother? Well I won't be needing your services today; all my gunk is plenty ill already. Web comics are easy, Gunky. They're all about video games, gamernerds, webgeeks, dorknerds, gamewads, nerdgames, webwebs, and elves. So just pick one of those and start tableting! Like the one where the slickly drawn college roommates make nothing but video game inside jokes!

  [a comic involving two people vaguely resembling Strong Bad and Strong Sad is shown] 

  Strong Bad : [in comic]  Uh, did you try to case mod that meatloaf you're makin'?

  Strong Sad : [in comic]  No, why?

  Strong Bad : [in comic; holding up a burnt brick]  'Cause I think it's BRICKED!

  [both characters now look wide-eyed] 

  Strong Sad : 3.2ghz cell processor with 3 dual-threaded cores, 1.8 TFLOPS, 256mb XDR...

  [this overlaps with:] 

  Strong Bad : Light bloom, floating point frame buffers, volumetric effects, high dynamic range rendering...

  Strong Bad : [voiceover]  Oh, I wish knew what that means.

• [Strong Bad is dressed as his "Il Cartographer" wrestling persona] 

  Homestar Runner : Hey, Strong Bad, I really like your "Rudy from 'Fat Albert'" costume.

• [Strong Bad and The Cheat are looking for ruins buried under Strong Badia] 

  The Cheat : [questioning The Cheat noises] 

  Strong Bad : I already told you, man, where there's ruins, there's riches! And booby traps we can steal ideas from!

  The Cheat : [saluting The Cheat noises] 

  Strong Bad : Now let's do this!

  [he takes out a Taranchula-themed metal detector, turns it on and moves it around. It makes different heavy metal beats in changing frequency] 

  Strong Bad : Whoa, we're getting warm!

  [the metal detector plays a guitar solo] 

  Strong Bad : We've got something, The Cheat!

  [they brush off the ground dirt over what they've found: a small red object] 

  Strong Bad : It looks like the top of an enormous riches-filled structure! And wait, there's an inscription!

  [he reads the inscription] 

  Strong Bad : "Coldonesdry". Must be the name of some ancient civilization.

  [Strong Sad appears] 

  Strong Sad : Uh, me again. I think that's just the cap of a bottle of Cold Ones Dry. You could probably just pick it up.

  Strong Bad : What, are you crazy? I'm not touching that thing! It's booby-trapped! It'll shoot a bunch of poison-tipped witch doctors at me!

  Strong Sad : Riiight. Or it's just a bottle cap and you're crazier than ever.

  Strong Bad : You may be half-right, kid.

• [a promo for Cold Ones Dry is shown] 

  Announcer : Cold Ones Dry, the official beverage of Taranchula.

  Schenkel McDoo : Yah, guys, Yold Ones Vry!

  Announcer : That's right, Sven, learn to speak American.

• [the printer that provided the old paper to end the Strong Bad's emails has broken and Strong Bad gets Bubs to help him replace it] 

  Strong Bad : How's it coming up there, Bubs?

  Bubs : [on the ceiling]  I'm almost finished.

  [he makes grunting noises as socket wrench noises are heard, as he installs a new printer] 

  Bubs : There!

  Strong Bad : [typing on the Lappy]  Alright, now hit us with some Preeow 2.0!

  [the new printer prints out a new paper with the usual closing on it, making shuffling noises as it does so] 

  Strong Bad : What the? How am I ever supposed to pronounce that garglemesh?

  [he mimics the printer's shuffling noises] 

  Strong Bad : Heunh heownh heunh heownh vvvvvt eangt clonk-a-donk. Doesn't quite roll off the tongue. Alright New Paper, you are officially on trial status. So ya better get to impressin'!

  [the paper is printed out further, revealing an ASCII art design of a butt made out hyphens and dollar signs] 

  Strong Bad : Hmm. Well, that's a start.

• Strong Bad : [singing]  Email, I'm so in love with you it's kind of inappropriate!

  E-mail : [with Strong Bad reading]  Helllooooooo Strongbad, I was wondering if Strongbadia had a miniature golf course because I think it would be cool if Strongbadia had a miniature golf course. Hoping to play the Strongbadia miniature golf course soon, Somebody no-one cares about in IA.

  Strong Bad : [after reading "Somebody no-one cares about in IA"]  Also known as, everyone in Iowa.

  [typing response] 

  Strong Bad : What, are you getting paid every time you say the words 'miniature golf course?' Because I'd, miniature golf course, like to get in on that ac-miniature golf course-tion. Of, miniature golf course, course, I don't sell out for cheap. I usually get Kozmik Bowling 50 bucks everytime I That Paintball Place Down the Street mention some kind of Waterslide Dan's MoistWorld fun-time emporium.

  [the new paper that closes the email comes down] 

  Strong Bad : No, no, no! Not now! Did that sound like I was done? Get back up there!

  [the paper goes back up] 

• Strong Bad : [after he and The Cheat returned from Sweet Puttin' Cakes]  Whoa, that was weird.

  [he smacks his lips] 

  Strong Bad : My mouth tastes like... backwards.

  The Cheat : [the Cheat noises] 

  Strong Bad : Your mouth tastes like what?

  [the Cheat grins, his teeth having been dyed blue by the water at the course] 

  Strong Bad : The Cheat, you didn't!

  The Cheat : [apologetic The Cheat noises] 

  [the new paper that usually ends the emails comes down] 

  Strong Bad : [to the paper]  There you go! See? *That* was a punchline! And another thing. Are you ever *not* running out of ink?

• [the new paper that ends the email slides down, its printer making shuffling noises as it does so] 

  Strong Bad : Ugh. That sound. It's got no punch. You just kinda slither out like a boring lizard's tongue. Let's try this.

  [he jams a diskette into the paper; the paper prints out further and makes a grinding sound as chunks of plastic fall off] 

  Strong Bad : There we go. We're good at least until you completely shred that disk.

• [the new paper that ends the email slides down, running a calibration test] 

  Strong Bad : You know, New Paper, you keep sucking just enough to stay interesting.

• [Strong Bad has just told about an original version of Bubs that got replaced by the Bubs of today, but the real Bubs forces Strong Bad to rebuke this notion] 

  Strong Bad : But we really do replace people. Take the New Paper, for instance. Come on, New Paper, disappoint me!

  [the new paper that ends the email slides down, then falls down to the ground completely] 

  Strong Bad : Whoops. Ah, when it comes to disappointing, you never disappoint.

• [the new paper that ends the email slides down with a picture print of the old paper on it] 

  Strong Bad : Nice try, New Papes. Though that does make me feel better. He was so stripedy...

• Senor Cardgage : [standing on a lawn mower]  Why, hello, Mistretta. Check out Senor Cardgage's Intregway. Dump tell no Mandy, it's just a land mower turned bankways. If you help me buy it, I'll cut you in.

  Strong Bad : [running in]  I'll help you buy! I'll help you buy it!

• [Strong Bad has been asked via email from Gardenboy to explain his awesome wrestling moves] 

  Strong Bad : Well, Gardenboy, as a crafty ring veteran, I can let you in on a little secret: being an awesome wrestler has nothing to do with awesome wrestling moves! It's all about awesome costumes, gimmicks, and dinosaur tranquilizer fueled ranting and raving! I got my first big break with cable access's longest named wrestling organization: All World Mid-Pro Shirtless Championship Entertainment, or AWMPSCE. Of course, they wanted me to be one of those lame masked wrestlers at first, but I had gimmickier plans.

  [he shows off a photo of himself as wrestler Sir Boliver Turnbuckle] 

  Strong Bad : Sir Boliver Turnbuckle and his signature move, the one-eighth nelson! That was back in the days when pretending to be a pompous Brit was considered a premium gimmick.

• Strong Bad : [continuing his discussion on doing middle-school-appropriate dioramas]  If the assignment calls for a science diorama, just slap some glue on some cotton balls and BANG!

  [a diorama made out of different cotton ball shapes appears] 

  Strong Bad : The effects of cumulonimbus clouds on sheep, snowmen and... cotton balls. But if you're out of cotton balls, real chunks of the King of Town's beard make a great substitute.

  [the cotton turns jagged and covered in blood] 

  The King of Town : [his beard gruesomely ripped]  To be fair, I did eat all the cotton balls.

• Strong Sad : [dressed as Twelve-Times-a-Day Man]  I can do it! I can do it twelve times!

• E-mail : [with Strong Bad reading]  Dear Strongbad, what do you want for Decemberween? your holiday spirit Talon Jendro, Des Moines, IA.

  [Strong Bad does not read "Des Moines, IA"] 

  Strong Bad : [typing response]  Where'd you get that name? George Lucas? Ta'lon J'en-dr'o from the computery generated planet of Des' Moi-nes'ia. Anyways, everybody knows the kind of stuff I want, Ta'lon. A catapult that launches balls of cobras, chainsaw car, subscription to EGM2, hot step-sister. That email writes itself. It's more important that I establish what I *don't* want for Decemberween.

  [Cut to Strong Bad and Marzipan on a shopping channel] 

  Strong Bad : Our first item is a perennial all-star of bad awful Decemberween presents: the ornament

  Marzipan : There's no better way to say, "I have no idea what your interests are" than to give someone a present that ceases to be useful the moment it's opened.

  Strong Bad : Yes, there's nothing like opening a gift just in time to put it in a box in the attic for a year. And next Decemberween, when you get it back out, guess what? It's still just a cool snowman surfing the Internet.

  Marzipan : Internet is *so* hot this year.

  [a phone rings] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, we got a caller.

  [he puts an empty hand next to his head] 

  Strong Bad : Go ahead, caller. How many F-R-one-one-four-P-D-C-eights should I put you down for?

  Strong Sad : [on the "phone"]  Strong Bad, did you put wildebeest pheromones in my laundry again?

  [wildebeest noises are heard over the phone] 

  Strong Sad : Augh!

  [the dial tone is heard] 

  Strong Bad : Another satisfied customer.

• [Strong Bad continues his discussion on his wrestling careers' costumes and gimmicks] 

  Strong Bad : Once I started getting more popular, my next incarnation was...

  [cut to a school gym as Strong Bad as wrestler Il Cartographer enters] 

  Announcer : And hailing from the age of exploration, the namer of nations, Il Cartographer!

  The King of Town : [offscreen]  Boo!

  Singers : Il Cartographer! He's makin' the maps! Il Cartographer! He's takin' no crap!

  [Strong Bad as Il Cartographer walks to a wrestling ring in the room, tossing various maps around as he goes] 

  Strong Bad : [narrating]  And one of my gimmicks was that I'd always come into the ring throwing maps to the restrooms into the crowd!

  [Strong Bad arrives at the ring and holds out a flag] 

  Strong Bad : [poor Italian accent]  I claim-a this saggy ring in the name of Il Cartographer!

  The King of Town : Boo!

• Strong Bad : [continuing his discussion on how to do web comics]  Another approach is to just ask for input from your viewers and rip that off for content.

  [he turns to the camera and scoffs] 

  Strong Bad : What a cop-out.

  [the paper that usually ends the email slides down, this time showing Strong Bad's email address; cut to The Cheat at his computer] 

  Strong Bad : The Cheat has one of those. He gets people to send him the weird senders' names from spam emails, and then he makes interpretive drawings based on them. Classics like Colliding R. Reallying and Knowingest J. Drawbridges.

  [Strong Bad is shown beside The Cheat watching his drawings based on the spam emails] 

  Strong Bad : That stuff is totally messed up, The Cheat. That gunk is ill.

• Strong Bad : [continuing his discussion on doing middle-school-appropriate dioramas]  If you need to make some historical diorama, there's only one way to go: presidential assassinations. You can immortalize such tragic moments in U.S. history as the robot that effortlessly offed Jimmy Carter. And if it's a book report you're doing, the easiest way to get around reading an actual book is to make one up yourself. I can't tell you how many dioramas I got out of "The King of Town's Adventures In Giant Cockroachland", books one through seven. Though with the Internet, it's probably easier for teachers to check your sources than in my day. To get away with that now, you'd also have to make a fake website for the book and the author and the publisher, and just to be safe, maybe go ahead and actually write the book. Man, it's getting so hard to cheat these days!

  [the Cheat walks by behind him, carrying his computer] 

  The Cheat : [agreeing The Cheat noises] 

• Strong Bad : [referring to his Il Cartographer wrestling persona]  That was back when my big feud with Homestar Runner was in full swing!

  [an announcer is seen backstage with Homestar wearing red pants] 

  Announcer : Ladies and gentlemen! Joining me backstage in historic empty high school gymnasium is a man that needs no introduction. Introducing the Jack 'Em Up Kid!

  Homestar Runner : Well, you know, announcer man, that's right! Hoo, yeah! Jack 'Em Up Kid, empty high school gymnasium, sizzleweight belt on the line! Hoo, yeah! That's right! That's correct! That's precisely what I'm talking about! I got the drive, I got the commotion! I can't believe it! Hoo, yeah! El Photographer, what you gonna did, when you get jacked up, by the Jack 'Em Up Kid?

• [Strong Bad continues his discussion on unlicensed licensees] 

  Strong Bad : Novelty confections have to be my favorite growth sector of the unlicensed merchandise industry...

  [he displays a box of The Cheat-shaped marshmallows] 

  Strong Bad : like these sugar-crusted marshmallow The Cheats.

  [He then displays a Strong Bad-shaped blob-like lollipop] 

  Strong Bad : Or this gummi gelular pop from Strong Badge: The Movie.

  [He then displays a toothbrush with Strong Bad's head on it, which is unscrewable] 

  Strong Bad : And who wouldn't want to rot the teeth right out of their kid's head with this spinning Strong Bad sugar toothbrush?

• [Strong Bad received an email that was intended for Homestar but went to Strong Bad instead] 

  Strong Bad : Hey, Homejob! Some stupid girls that are probably really guys accidentally emailed me...

  Homestar Runner : Ugh. Strong Bad, how do you keep gettin' in here?

  Strong Bad : What? What are you talking about? I just...

  Homestar Runner : I'm in the middle of checking my email.

  Strong Bad : Whaddaya mean, *your* email? I'm in the middle of checkin' *my* email!

  Homestar Runner : You're not the only one around here that answers emails from fans with humorous results.

  Strong Bad : Since the crap when?

  Homestar Runner : I dunno. Since forever. Don't you remember? You're in a bunch of 'em.

• Strong Bad : [asked via email by Lewis Rudkin if he could throw The Cheat or beat up Homestar for no reason]  Y'know, it's funny how this always seems to work out, Rudkin, but those just happen to be the first two events in the Strong Badathlon! Unfortunately, they also happen to be my two worst events. The Cheat Chuck is consistently dominated by the Kenyans. I mean the Poopsmith. Ever since he devised the Whatsitburied Slop, that guy's unbeatable!

  [the Poopsmith digs into a pile of whatsit with a shovel and pulling out a whatsit-covered The Cheat and throws him over his head] 

  The Cheat : [screaming The Cheat noises as he flies through the air] 

  Coach Z : [holding a distance marker and watching The Cheat fly by]  Holy gorsh, it looks like a new record!

• [Strong Bad and The Cheat have set up a pizza place called "The Pizz" as a front to meet girls] 

  Homestar Runner : Umm, yeah. Lemme get a slice of p-roni, with some t-sauce, and m-rooms.

  Strong Bad : Homestar, get outta here! We're not a real pizza place! This is just a front to meet some girls!

  Homestar Runner : Ohhhhh. Lemme get a calzone, then. With, uh, p-loaf and m-cheese.

• [Strong Bad has tried to check an email from work sent by someone called The Nitwon] 

  Strong Bad : Nevermind, Nitwit. Checking sbemails at the office is not worth the trouble. I dunno how all those bloggers do it. Oh well. I guess I'd better get back to work.

  [he is asked if he wants to log off or log out, then types "esc.ctrl.tab.alt.shift.shift.numlock.~.<"] 

  Strong Bad : 'Scape... tab... squiggly...

  [a log off/out error is displayed] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, it's gonna be a long one. I haven't even taken my first sit-in-the-men's-room-and-play-Tetris-for-an-hour break yet.

• Strong Bad : [to Bubs]  Whaddaya got in the way of things I can sit on whilst I check emails?

  Bubs : Ooh! Lucky for you, I just got this pre-owned box of chicken beaks in just now! Like, right just now!

  Strong Bad : Okay, okay, okay... But, uh, you got anything less anthrax-y?

  Bubs : I got this old Winger album.

  Strong Bad : Well, yeah, that is less anthrax-y, but I was kinda hoping for a chair of some kind.

• Strong Bad : [asked via email how to keep a bike from being stolen]  Well, first off, how do you know your crappy bike is even worth stealing? How many pegs you got? Mag wheels? White tires? Worthless baseball card in the spokes? If not, then you got nothing to worry about. What self-respecting bicycle thief would steal a, shudder, ten-speed? Or a, shudder, shudder, mounTAIN bike? The only thing those bikes gets...

  [sic] 

  Strong Bad : ... you is tired. Any bike with a water bottle holder is a complete waste of bike. But, let's pretend you do have a cool bike. I would first go to my old thieving standby: dress up like a bush.

  [Strong Bad is seen disguised as a bush. He picks up a bike belonging to Pom Pom and tries to carry it off] 

  Strong Bad : Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

  [Pom Pom notices] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, I mean... Bush. Bush. Leaves. Branch. Um, berries.

  [narrating] 

  Strong Bad : And don't forget: dressing up as a bush is also a great way to get free pizza!

  [Strong Bad walks up to Bubs' Concession Stand in his bush disguise] 

  Strong Bad : Can I have some free pizza?

  Bubs : [handing him a box of pizza]  Sure thing, bush!

• Matt Chapman : [commentary audio track only; webcomic versions of Strong bad and Strong Sad are reeling off computer specifications in a monotonous fashion]  I had to do a lot of research on this, I knew what those kinds of words were... I knew what a teraflop was, I think... but I had to look up... I just looked up specs for the Playstation 3...

  [Mike laughs] 

  Matt Chapman : That's where all of those words...

• Senor Cardgage : [a member of the Deleteheads]  Carageenan, Montlejohn. Can you detect me to the nearest bus stamp?

• [Marzipan and Strong Sad are at Club Technochocolate] 

  Marzipan : You don't look like you're having very much fun, Strong Sad.

  Strong Sad : Oh, I'm having a great time. This is my favorite club to go to and not dance. Sometimes I'll even think about dancing and then not dance. And if I'm feeling really crazy, I'll actually get out on the dance floor and bust some fresh not-dancing.

  Marzipan : Then how about I bust out some fresh not-hanging-out-with-you?

  [turns and leaves] 

• Bubs : [Strong Bad and The Cheat are digging for what's buried under Strong Badia]  I'm here for my weekly...

  [clears throat] 

  Bubs : ..."delivery".

  [gestures to several steel drums of toxic waste behind him] 

  Strong Bad : Yeah, yeah, just bury it wherever. But if you uncover any ruins, or hot aliens, or riches, they're mine, okay?

  Bubs : Uh, what about fellas named Rich?

  Strong Bad : What? No, I don't know anyone named Rich.

  Bubs : Okay, good. Then he can stay where he is!

  Strong Sad : [standing beside them the whole time]  Uh, is there any way I can unhear the last few sentences? Or years of my life?

• [Strong Bad is at a booth for the On Point Kings at the Vaguely Military Career Fair. He wears an eye-patch and a fake mustache] 

  Strong Bad : Excuse me, Ganglo-Saxon. You look like the type of kid that gets his lunch handed to him daily. Well, if you'd like to be the lunch-handerer for a change...

  [raises one of his boxing-glove-clad hands, which has a robotic claw on it] 

  Strong Bad : ... then boy, do the On Point Kings have a brochure for you!

  [shows a brochure] 

  Strong Bad : It's a Roman trifold printed on 65-pound card-stock.

  [he shows off the various features of the brochure] 

  Strong Bad : Fourteen-point Helvetica, laid out using Quark Express! A *pirated version* of Quark Express!

  [shows a section of the brochure showing pictures of the On Point Kings in action] 

  Strong Bad : We specialize in black ops, brown ops, and the occasional beige op.

  [he shows off a "classified" clip of Strong Badia, where The Cheat, also wearing a mustache does a game of hopscotch] 

  Strong Bad : C'mon, The Cheat, go for sixies! Sixies!

  [cut back to Strong Bad at the booth] 

  Strong Bad : How do you ever expect to get an eye-patch, mustache, or robotic arm like this...

  [clanks the claw of his robotic arm] 

  Strong Bad : clank, clank... unless you join up with a shady band of missionaries? Oh, crap, I did it again! Mercenaries, I meant mercenaries! We do bad stuff!

• [Bubs is about to show Strong Bad some new chairs to sit on while checking emails] 

  Bubs : All right, we'll start at the tip and work our way to the tup.

  Strong Bad : You make less sense every day, Bubsy.

  Bubs : Crabadonk!

  [the wall of the concession stand drops down, revealing a red, white and blue-striped bicycle seat] 

  Strong Bad : Hey, that's no chair! That's Red, White and Banana, my old bicycle seat. I used to ride that thing on my paper route all the time.

  [Strong Bad fantasizes about himself as a youngster, riding the bike up to a house, lights a newspaper on fire and then throws it at the house so as to set it on fire, too] 

  Strong Bad : No, I'd better pass on that. I've had a few too many wipeouts on that thing as a kid.

  Bubs : Ugh! You nasty!

  Strong Bad : What?

• Strong Bad : [reading email closing: "Lyd and Jules, ID and MO, respectively"]  "Lyd and Jules, Idiot and Moron, respectively".

• Strong Bad : [reading email closing: "Virginia, MI"]  "Virginia, M-I".

  [disappointed] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, not smart enough for MIT, huh? Just MI?

• [Strong Bad and The Cheat are attempting to trap Homestar in a cage using Fluffy Puff Marshmallows and melonade as bait and holding up the cage with a rope] 

  Strong Bad : I don't understand! Where is he? He usually falls for this one by now.

  The Cheat : [the Cheat noises] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, man! Stupid clever hide n' seek ploy. This thing's gettin' heavy. Switch to the Strong Sad bait.

  The Cheat : [the Cheat noises as he tosses a barrister's wig onto the bait] 

  Strong Sad : [offscreen]  Ooh, Parliament.

• Strong Bad : [sitting in a cubicle next to an office and wearing a headset]  No, ma'am, this would be a password you gave to us. Yes, sir, it could be the last four digits of your dog, or your mother's maiden credit card number...

  Homestar Runner : [calling out from offscreen]  Hey, Strong Bro, keg party at the water cooler!

  Strong Bad : [to Homestar]  Not now! I'm talking to phone tree survivor number thirteen!

  [back to headset] 

  Strong Bad : Yes, baby, the whole password.

  Homestar Runner : Stro Bro, free bagels at the water cooler!

  Strong Bad : [suddenly excited]  I'm sorry, ma'am, free bagels just happened.

  [runs off; sees Homestar stuffed inside a water cooler with one leg sticking out of a water dispenser] 

  Strong Bad : Aw, man! This isn't free bagels!

  Homestar Runner : No, but it is free... ing Homestar from the water cooler. That's pretty sweet.

  Strong Bad : Just explain to me what you were *trying* to do when this happened.

  Homestar Runner : Well, I was in Barbados, hanging a picture on the wall...

  Strong Bad : Okay, that tells me everything I need to know. How 'bout we try this?

  [presses the button on the dispenser with Homestar's leg in it] 

  Homestar Runner : Ow, ow, OW, STOP!

  [Strong Bad stops pressing the button] 

  Homestar Runner : Sweet genius, that hurt! Oh, well, just forget it. I'll just stay in here for the rest of my life. Just stack my mail on top of me, would ya?

  [Strong Bad walks off] 

  Homestar Runner : Thanks, S-bro! Man! Where should we go for lunch today? Chinese buffet?

• E-mail : [with Strong Bad reading]  Dear Strong Bad, I attended a slumber party and there was nothing but a lame game of Uno. I ask you, what types of slumber parties should one attend or ignore? Sincerely, Thomas O. from NY.

  [Strong Bad reads "NY" as "N-Y"] 

  Strong Bad : [typing response]  So it was just you and Uno? Like, no other people or sleeping bags or R-rated movies? Uh, you probably shoulda skipped that one. Family card games are notorious for hosting the worst slumber parties.

  [Strong Bad is seen sitting at a table, staring at a stack of cards] 

  Strong Bad : [flatly]  Thanks for inviting me, Skip-Bo.

  [cut back to Strong Bad typing at his computer] 

  Strong Bad : But let's say you get invited to a slumber party by a carbon-based lifeform. The first thing you wanna look at is the popularity of the host. According to Coolguy's Law, the popularity of the host is inversely proportional to the amount of fun you can have at their house. You got nothin' to lose! You can tear that place apart and dislocate all the younger siblings' shoulders you want. It's not like you're ever goin' back there again.

  [Strong Bad and Homestar are seen in the latter's bedroom, with various sledgehammers smashed in the wall and Strong Bad holding a sledgehammer] 

  Homestar Runner : What did you say the name of this family card game was again, Strong Bad?

  Strong Bad : This is called Find The Load-Bearer. You never played this before?

  Homestar Runner : No.

  [sees two axes stuck in his bed] 

  Homestar Runner : Find The Load-Bearer, Bed Axe... I never heard of any of these games we're playing.

• Strong Bad : There was a time when I used to try to play actual games of hide n' seek. But it ain't easy with all the brain geniuses around here.

  [Strong Bad sees Strong Mad standing behind a tiny stick sticking out of the ground, with his back turned to it] 

  Strong Bad : Uh... Strong Mad? Buddy? That's the same spot you hide in every time we play.

  [Strong Mad is actually seen standing behind "himself"] 

  Strong Mad : [disappointed]  DAWWW!

  Strong Bad : Whoa! Did you make a hiding spot out of you hiding in your usual hiding spot? To hide behind?

  Strong Mad : I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT!

  Strong Bad : And it was well worth your time.

• Strong Bad : [reading email]  Dear Strongbad, I would like to Draw a few comics about you and the cheat. But first I'd need to know what type of promblems...

  [sic] 

  Strong Bad : ... you and the cheat would be faced with. Once I get a rough copy I'd send it to you to see how you like it. I hope you...

  [sic] 

  Strong Bad : ... interested. Malinko.

  [typing response] 

  Strong Bad : Well Malinko, I hope *you*...

  [sic] 

  Strong Bad : ... interested in getting sued into the middle ages by The Cheat and me. Cause that's what would happen if you drew a few comics about us. Just like that time Homestar started selling Strong Bad...

  [queasily] 

  Strong Bad : ... flavored water. We shut that mess down on the quickfast.

• [Strong Bad was asked via email from a fifth grader named John Katulla to make a hygiene movie, so Strong Bad makes one that has John in it. The movie begins] 

  Strong Bad : [narrating]  Meet John.

  [Homestar appears as John, looking very much unkempt] 

  Strong Bad : John is a cruddy fifth grader. Hi, John!

  Homestar Runner : [voice breaking]  I'm a latchkey champion.

  Strong Bad : [narrating]  Meet Gene.

  [Strong Bad appears as Gene, with stylish blond hair and wearing a nice shirt] 

  Strong Bad : Gene is a beacon of light shining through the stink cloud generated by John. Hi, Gene!

  [as Gene] 

  Strong Bad : TGIG, y'all! Thank God I'm Gene!

  [narrating] 

  Strong Bad : Gene is popular and doesn't get good grades. John has no friends and sits in the front row. What is John missing that Gene has? Besides rich parents? That's right, hygiene!

  [as Gene] 

  Strong Bad : Hi, gals!

  [narrating] 

  Strong Bad : Hygiene is defined as how close people are willing to stand next to you. John wears clothes that smell like chocolate milk with a stomach virus. Gene's mom buys all of his clothes, but she is young and hot enough for that to be okay.

  Gene's Mom : [holding out some keys to Strong Bad as Gene]  Mommy's got a grown-up headache, Gene. Why don't you take the boat out for a while?