A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! (2008 TV Special)

Stephen Colbert: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• [repeated line] 

  Stephen Colbert : Oh, look. We're under the mistletoe. Well, this is awkward.

• Stephen Colbert : [Elvis Costello is being attacked by a bear]  Wait. Feist, you're an angel! Do something!

  Feist : I have no power over bears! They're godless killing machines!

• Stephen Colbert : I'm so excited right now, I'm sporting a yule log.

• Stephen Colbert : I love "White Christmas" and "Silver Bells" and "Puff the Magic Dragon", but I found out when you sing those old holiday standards, someone else gets the royalty check. That doesn't sound like Christmas to me.

• Stephen Colbert : Say something a bear would never say!

  Toby Keith : [behind cabin door]  I hate honey!

  Stephen Colbert : [to self]  OK, it checks out.

• Stephen Colbert : What are you doing in my nativity scene?

  Willie Nelson : Stephen, right now I'm so high *you're* hallucinating.

  Stephen Colbert : [lifts up his right hand; it appears to be a deer hoof]  Whoa.

• Jon Stewart : I just heard on the radio - the Jonas Brothers have fallen through the ice.

  Stephen Colbert : [dramatically]  And?

  Jon Stewart : [grins]  They will be missed.

• Jon Stewart : [singing]  We have latkas...

  Stephen Colbert : What are they?

  Jon Stewart : [singing]  ... potato pancakes. We have dreidels...

  Stephen Colbert : What are they?

  Jon Stewart : [singing]  ... wooden tops. We have candles...

  Stephen Colbert : What are they?

  Jon Stewart : [yelling]  They are *candles*!

• Stephen Colbert : [holding a replica lightsaber]  If this can handle an aqua-lish at the Mos Eisley spaceport, I'd say it can handle a grizz.

• [Stephen's fireplace is actually a television image] 

  Stephen Colbert : Listen, you must be cold. Why don't you warm yourself up by the fire and I'll get us some eggnog.

  John Legend : Sounds good. You mind if I take the mute off?

• [Elvis Costello materializes outside the cabin] 

  Elvis Costello : What?

  Stephen Colbert : Elvis!

  Elvis Costello : Stephen! How did I get to your mountain cabin?

  Stephen Colbert : It's a Christmas miracle! Oh, nothing can stop my Christmas special now!

  [Elvis is immediately attacked by the bear] 

• [Last lines; as the end credits are rolling] 

  Elvis Costello : [interrupting]  Wait!

  [singing] 

  Elvis Costello : Jingle Man, Christmas Boy, fighting crime with *toys*!

  Stephen Colbert : That's it! I'm gonna put on a pot of coffee, Elvis. We got a Christmas special to write!

• Stephen Colbert : There's enough rum in here to blind a pirate.

  [referring to the eggnog]