- Humphrey's Body: If you'd have told me 400 years ago that, one day, I'd be watching my decapitated body having an affair with a 60-year-old dead woman, I'd have said you were mad.
- Pat Butcher: And that would be fair enough, mate.
- Captain: Look, I know Fanny better than any of you. She does have a lighter side, you know.
- Pat Butcher: Not THAT light! No, something's up.
- Kitty: Perhaps she's unwell.
- Thomas Thorne: She's dead, Kitty.
- Kitty: There you are then.
- [Julian plays a prank on Mike by changing "Bob" to "Boob"]
- Mike Cooper: Stop it!
- Julian Fawcett MP: Well, I'm bored! I miss the office, the banter, the secretaries... Whir of the fax, the secretaries, photocopier, the secretaries on the photocopier...
- Captain: Precisely. But that's not all. She has this bag. Within that bag is a smaller bag, and within that bag, a bag smaller still that contains a stick of lipstick stick, a tiny mirror, and a comb.
- Alison Cooper: [sighs] Okay just to save us both a lot of time, erm, is the gist of this that you didn't find out anything about her of any consequence whatsoever?
- Captain: [socffs] Well, you wouldn't put it quite like that in the intelligence community, but, er, well...
- Alison Cooper: [sarcastically] Great. Great. Great. Thank you. Thank you so much for your help.
- Captain: You're very welcome.
- Alison Cooper: [sarcastically] Yeah.
- Captain: Ah! I see what you're doing. Yeah, very clever. I don't appreciate that tone, Alison. Look, if I didn't find anything, then there wasn't anything to find. I can assure you, nothing gets past me. Throughout the entirety of my military career, not a single spy ever infiltrated my unit.
- Alison Cooper: Or loads did and you just never found them.
- Pat Butcher: [while Pat is holding Humphrey's head, as he argues with Fanny] OK OK OK, let's not lose our heads. No offence
- [Julian and Robin laugh]
- Alison Cooper: Okay, actually, do you know what? Maybe a little light surveillance wouldn't be the worst idea. Okay, do it.
- Captain: Do you mean, do it as in "don't do it," or do it as in, "do it"?
- Alison Cooper: Do it.
- Captain: So... Don't.
- Alison Cooper: No, do.
- Captain: Yes. Do.
- Alison Cooper: Er, all right. Did, erm... Don't?
- Captain: Jolly good. All right. Sorry, is that actual don't...
- Alison Cooper: How did we win the war?
- Captain: All right, young lady, all right. I'll make it simple for you. If you want to green light this mission, say, "Eiderdown."
- Alison Cooper: Eiderdown.
- Captain: [shushes] For God's sake. All right. We'll soon find out if she's a German. I mean, she is who she says she is.