- A dinner engagement results in Lynette and Tom competing for Bree's job offer; Gabrielle finds herself in a precarious position with Carlos' cheating boss; Susan becomes more unsettled after Katherine moves in with Mike; Edie begins to investigate more into Dave's past.—matt-282
- "Desperate Housewives" - "Crime Doesn't Pay" - March 8, 2009
Mary Alice tells us that everyone who knew Orson knew he was polite. We see a montage of him saying good morning, helping a woman with boxes, excusing himself after bumping into someone etc. He was on his way to Scavo's to offer Tom a hand with the fire sale. Tom says he's good. Orson notices a charming salt shaker and asks how much. Tom says he got it from his granddad and the stuff that he has boxed is not for sale. Orson says he was just trying to help out in Tom's hour of need, explaining he knows what it's like to have your livelihood vanish since he used to be a dentist. Tom is peeved and points out that he's losing his business because of a bad economy. Orson lost his license to practice because he went to jail for a crime he actually committed. Tom goes on to say what's happening to him is unfair, whereas what happened to Orson was justice, and he's annoyed that Orson is comparing the two. As folks start to arrive for the sale Orson apologizes politely, and Mary Alice returns to tell us that while Orson may be polite, he also believed in punishing those who weren't. We see him pocket the salt shaker.
Mary Alice tells us that after Mike moved in with Katherine she decided to throw a housewarming party for him to share her happiness. (We see Mike and Katherine going through boxes and then Katherine writing and handing out invitations). She sits with Bree, Gaby, and Edie on the porch and they discuss the party until Susan arrives and wonders what the haps is. Gaby lamely tries to pretend that they were discussing the federal deficit. Katherine explains they were discussing the party and Susan calmly notes she is coming and the other ladies are surprised at their civility. Especially Edie who remembers a mob on her front lawn when she dated Susan's ex. Susan says that she was mad at first but since she knew Mike would be with someone eventually she's just glad it's someone she considers a true friend. The ladies, except Edie, are impressed.
The sale continues at Scavo's. Lynette sells the pizza oven for $6,200 which is a steal. Lynette tells Tom that by the end of the day they'll be able to pay off their creditors, give Bree back her 20 grand, and have enough to live on for 45 minutes. Tom is really upset. Lynette says they need to discuss the future. Tom says he'll get a job. She wonders when. He freaks and says he's trying to hold it together so to back off. The pizza oven thief returns looking for a similar bargain on the cappucino maker and Lynette has to hold Tom back.
Brad and Maria arrive at the Solis house since Gaby agreed to babysit their two kids while they go to the theater. Brad blindsides Gaby by saying she introduced him to his new hairstylist Shayla, who is actually his mistress. As Carlos and Maria go in to introduce the kids, Gaby tells Brad she can't believe he's using her as an alibi. He says he paid 30 grand and he wants his money's worth. He mentions that he'd like her to change her tennis date with Maria the next day so he can see Shayla. She says Carlos wants a week off. Maria returns and asks Gaby if they're still on for tennis. Gaby hems and haws until, behind Maria's back, Brad acquiesces to the vacation request, and Gaby asks to change the time.
Bree enters the living room and asks Orson to hang up his coat. As he picks it up, the salt shaker falls out. He says he accidentally put it in his pocket. She tells him to take it back. The shaker is shaped like a chubby Italian chef and he puts on a goofy voice and pretends to be the chef saying he doesn't-a-want to go-a-back. Too bad, says Bree. In his normal voice Orson says he doesn't want to go back, especially since Tom was so dismissive, in fact, downright rude. He says it would serve Tom right if he kept the salt shaker. Bree says Tom's rudeness doesn't give Orson a license to steal. Orson does the voice again but Bree is unmoved.
Susan brings her punchbowl over to Katherine's house and they discuss Mike's stuff: antlered chandeliers, Peyton Manning footballs. Katherine points out a nice painting she was surprised he had since it's so nice. Susan, barely suppressing a gloat, thanks her since she painted it. It's a vision of the beach they went to on their honeymoon. Katherine, barely suppressing her annoyance, is excited she now gets to see it everyday.
Lynette heads over to Bree's and hands her a check. Bree offers her condolences for what Lynette's going through. They apologize for the fight at the pizzeria. Bree asks after Tom. Lynette says he's doing great and we see him -- after noon -- wandering the lawn in a robe drinking a beer. Lynette says he just doesn't know what he'd going to do next. Bree offers to have her publisher, who's looking to bring his advertising in-house, over for dinner with the Scavos and turn it into a low-pressure job interview.
The party is swinging at Katherine and Mike's new love shack. Orson is looking forward to one of Mike's famous martinis but McCluskey beat him to it. Mike sent Edie out for more booze. Susan arrives and Lynette, Gaby, and Bree are impressed. Susan says she and Katherine really are taking the high road and to prove it she wants to show them her painting. Except when they arrive at the mantle, Katherine has replaced it with a photo of herself and Mike. Katherine comes over and says she accidentally broke the frame while dusting and that the painting is at the printer's and will be back in a jiffy. No one believes her, even deep in her cups McCluskey. Susan is choosing to believe her, she says. Then she sneaks into Katherine's basement and starts snooping around for the painting and finds it.
Dave and Edie are shopping for booze for the party when they spy a priest in line. The priest comes over, recognizing Dave, and he quickly sends Edie off to fetch vermouth. She watches Dave have words with the priest. Those words are "shut up." He tells him that he has moved on, remarried and wants to keep it that way. The priest smiles and nods and heads on his way. Edie returns and asks what the story is. Dave says they sat next to each other on a plane once.
Gaby is bickering on the phone with someone in the kitchen at the party. When she hangs up Carlos correctly surmises it was Brad setting up another Gaby alibi. He says it's disgusting and that he wants out, the money isn't worth it. Gaby disagrees and convinces him that she will try to persuade Shayla to do the right thing first.
Mike discovers Susan in the basement and Susan reveals the painting isn't broken. Mike wonders why Katherine would lie. Susan says Katherine loved the painting until Susan told her she painted it. Mike excuses himself and we cut to a shot of Susan at the foot of the stairs listening to Mike and Katherine fight about the painting. Katherine is saying that now is not the time. Mike is just wondering why she lied. The ladies gather around and ask what's going on. They hear that Susan showed him the painting. They all tsk-tsk her and Katherine marches down and glares at her back.
Gaby plops into Shayla's salon chair and says she wants a fresh look since she's been going through some tough personal stuff. When Shayla doesn't take the bait Gaby starts to spin her tale: she's having an affair with a married man with two children and she feels terrible about being a slut. With each factoid she shares Shayla tries to reassure Gaby that she shouldn't beat herself up, maybe the man's wife doesn't love him enough. Frustrated Gaby finally tells Shayla she's not talking about herself but Shayla and that she knows about her affair. Shayla claims Brad doesn't love his wife and will be leaving her. Gaby says he won't since she's pregnant. Shayla says it's impossible since Brad and Maria don't have sex. Gaby tells her to call the Vatican and order up some hay and a manger, then. Shayla tells her to get out. Gaby says she's just trying to help. Shayla grabs a pair a scissors and a lock of Gaby's hair and tells her to leave again. Gaby acquiesces.
Lynette and Tom are getting ready for the party and Tom is bummed and unshaven. Lynette caves and tells him about the job opportunity. He's annoyed, saying he will find a job in time. She says she knows he's grieving but to please give it a shot. He goes to shave.
Bree's publisher Bruce arrives and as he doffs his coat he takes out his handy tape recorder which he keeps around for good ideas. He thanks Orville, and Bree corrects him. Bruce says either way he probably got beat up on the playground. Loving this idea he says it into his tape recorder: idea for a children's book, a kid who gets the crap kicked out of him because he has a goofy name, could be Orson. Orson is annoyed. Tom and Lynette arrive. Tom is still all hangdog and goes off to to get a beer.
Katherine arrives with flowers to apologize to Susan, but Mike forced her to do it so she just stands there for a few seconds and tells Susan to kiss her ass. Susan asks why she's the only bad guy since Katherine loved the painting until she realized Susan did it and then she moved it which was petty. Katherine says that this is hard for her. Susan lives right across the street, she and Mike share a kid and she wonders why Susan expects her to share her mantelpiece with a symbol of Susan and Mike's love. She knew she wasn't going to get a clean slate but she wanted a clean mantelpiece.
Dinner is not going well. The food is good but the conversation is not really happening. Bruce says that Bree says Tom used to be quite the ad whiz. Tom says he doesn't know. Lynette says he's the best. Bruce says it's good since he's looking for someone to head up the new division. Bree and Orson head to the kitchen to let them talk. Tom says the timing for getting back in the game is a little weird. Bruce wonders how so. Tom says he doesn't know. Lynette says Tom just sold his successful business for a profit so Bruce might have to do a little selling. Bruce explains that Tom would be working with elite non-fiction writers to help sell their books. Lynette thinks it sounds amazing. Tom says he doesn't know and asks for more potatoes. Tom says he's not interested in travel. Bruce says even two weeks in Paris at a five star hotel. Tom snorts at this but Lynette calls it the greatest city in the world. Bruce says Lynette's getting excited and it's too bad she has doesn't have ad experience. Lynette counters that she does, 12 years in fact, and she wrote her graduate thesis on the rise of the non-fiction novel. Tom begins to realize what's happening. Bruce is impressed. Lynette asks what kind of starting salary he's offering.
Tom asks Lynette into the kitchen. Bree is breathless for news. Tom asks what Lynette is doing. She says she's getting the job since he doesn't seem interested. He says it's not that he doesn't want it, it's just that he needs time to lick his wounds. She tells him to lick while she goes to Paris. She goes to talk more with Bruce and Tom grabs her and says she's not taking his job. She says he had his shot and blew it. Tom says she just messed with the bull and heads back out now with the competitive spirit.
Tom pretends he was playing with him, claiming his act was to see if Bruce really cared about this job. Bruce thinks this is clever. Lynette says she wants to make sure Bruce gets the best person for the job. Tom says Lynette herself called him the best. She says he was the best person who ever worked for her.
Listening from the kitchen Bree says this isn't what she had in mind. Orson, cutting the tart, says he doesn't know why either one of them wants to work for that jackass. Bree says Bruce has been good to her. Orson says of course he has, because she makes him a lot of money. Orson, on the other hand, is seen by Bruce as insignificant.
Back at the table Lynette is wowing Bruce with her French. Tom says it was a great story as far as he could tell. He can't speak another language but his campaigns have been translated into twelve including Professor's Crispy Potato Chips. Bruce knows it and is impressed. Lynette says Tom was great, until he got fired. Tom says he was relieved to get fired since his boss was a ballbuster, oops, that was Lynette. Bree and Orson enter with some tart. Orson throws Bruce's tart at him. Lynette says as long as they're being honest Tom mismanaged his pizza joint into the ground. Tom says Lynette is great- good manager, great people skills, and is reliable- as long as the cancer doesn't flare up again. Bruce decides to hit the road. Lynette asks about the job. Bruce says he just started looking and that it will be a long process but they've made an impression for sure. Orson sees Bruce to the door and says it's too bad he can't stay for dessert, a French tart he made. Bruce whips out his tape recorder and says: "Idea for a novel, woman who's married to a gay man and doesn't know it." He puts the recorder down and Orson swipes it. Bree sees him do it and goes after him into the kitchen. She demands the recorder from Orson and starts sticking her hands down his pants as Tom walks in, and quickly walks back out. She says they'll talk about later. Bree hands Bruce his recorder, claiming he brought it in with the dirty napkins.
Gaby returns home and Brad is waiting on her porch. He's mad she talked to Shayla. She says she's tired of the deal. He says she's in no position to be tired of it and he reminds her he was working with Carlos when she cheated on him. Gaby says she's changed. Yes, for the worse, says Brad. She's so worried about Maria when there's money and vacation time in it, until she's only worried about Gaby. Gaby says he's right, but she's out and isn't covering for his fling anymore. Brad says it's not a fling and that he loves her. She's perplexed by this given that Shayla has a Hello Kitty! tip jar. Brad says she makes him happy and he can't give her up. Gaby tells him to be man enough to tell Maria or she will. Brad says he will and that she can tell Carlos to bring a box to work on Monday because he's fired.
Tom and Lynette sit on the counter in their kitchen and debrief about dinner. Tom apologizes for the things he said. So does Lynette. They wonder what Bruce said on his tape recorder about them on the way home. "Idea: check local mental hospital for escaped married couple." They laugh. He asks if she was serious about wanting to go back to work. She says she is good and she'd like another chance to prove it. He says okay, they did his thing for seven years and now it's her turn. They hug and kiss.
Bree can't believe Orson stole the recorder. Orson says he deserved it since he insulted him. Bree says then Orson should stand up for himself, not steal. She wonders why he would do that. Orson says he doesn't know, but he does know that when he was a dentist no one spoke to him like that. When he lost his practice he lost people's respect. Bree wonders how he hopes to get it back by becoming a petty thief. Orson says she never walked in his shoes and when Tom lost his business everyone leapt to his defense -- including Bree, who tried to help him get a job. Bree says she doesn't need to walk in Orson's shoes since what he did was embarrassing and childish and he should never do it again. She hangs some earrings and walks out and Orson swipes one of the earrings.
Edie is in church and approaches the priest from the liquor store and asks him about Dave. She explains that Dave refuses to talk about his past and she begs for his help. The priest says he can't help her and that she should discuss it with Dave. He turns around and says please, know that his thoughts are with them both, and calls her Mrs. Dash. She says it's Williams. The priest says he's so old-fashioned that he forgets that women don't always take their husband's name. Edie gets a lightbulb.
Susan arrives at Katherine and Mike's to take the painting back. She says she doesn't want a painting she slaved over in the house of her ex and the gal he's shacked up with. Mike is annoyed and perplexed saying it's his, it was a gift. She's ungiving it, she's complicated like that, she says. Katherine tries to speak to her and Susan tells her to stay out of it: "This is between me and my ex." Then, softly, she adds, "Got it?" Katherine realizes Susan is trying make a symbolic break for her benefit. Touched she smiles and winks at Susan, Susan smiles back and leaves. Mike who misses this exchange simply says "unbelievable!"
Maria is cutting cucumber slices and talking about colors for the baby room. Bruce says they need to talk.
Carlos enters the kitchen and kisses Gaby on the head. He brought in the want ads. She apologizes. He says she shouldn't be since he hated working for Brad anyway and she did the right thing even though she knew she was going to lose a lot of money. He says he's proud of her. Their phone rings. It's Maria who is upset and asks them to come over.
They go to Brad and Maria's. She's manic, telling them about how Brad kept telling her how much he loved Shayla, as she leads them to the kitchen and Brad's dead body with a knife in his back. She says she just wanted him to stop talking. Carlos and Gaby are aghast.
Tom brings out the trash as Mary Alice says that you should never be too impressed by people with good manners. Orson waves to Tom. She continues they're the ones who will give a friendly wave even when they've stolen from you. They're the type to sweetly welcome you even as they try to uncover your secrets, as Edie welcomes Dave home and then turns back to her Internet search on David Dash. They're the kind to offer you coffee, Mary Alice says, even as they report you to the police, as we see Gaby give Maria coffee and Carlos on the phone. And don't be too offended by someone who is openly rude, says Mary Alice, because they may be that way for the nicest of reasons. We see Susan hang up the painting at her house.
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