Charlie Harper: You've been to couples counseling, right?
Alan Harper: Yeah. Why?
Charlie Harper: I'm going with Chelsea and I need to know what I'm getting into.
Alan Harper: Oh, you're going to love it.
Charlie Harper: I am?
Alan Harper: Absolutely. Once a week, you sit on a couch with your significant other while she snips off your testicles, reaches up inside your chest cavity and goes like this
[flicks his finger several times]
Alan Harper: to your heart.
Charlie Harper: [grimacing] That doesn't sound very good.
Alan Harper: [grinning maniacally] Oh, it's horrible! But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money, and your house, and your car, and
[shouting]
Alan Harper: every last shred of your self-respect!
Charlie Harper: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Alan Harper: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm the perfect guy to ask. When Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished,
[shouting]
Alan Harper: I came to live on your couch! God BLESS couples counseling!