- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death!
- [laughs evilly]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, yes! I did the same thing with two Catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy! Yes, yes! And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, stop doing that! You can't tell jokes like that!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Why not? I'm killing... so to speak!
- Jeff Dunham: So, you're a terrorist?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes. I am a terrorist.
- Jeff Dunham: What kind of terrorist?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A terrifying... terrorist.
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Are you scared?
- Jeff Dunham: Not really, no.
- [Achmed growls]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And now?
- Jeff Dunham: Not really, no.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Hu-HA!
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [hopeful] How about now?
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: God damn it.
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [realizing] Oh! I mean, uh... "Allah" damn it.
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock, knock.
- Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you!
- Jeff Dunham: Do you have a weakness?
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Cupcakes... and porn.
- [audience laughs]
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Not at the same time! I need a free hand.
- Peanut: In a weird and twisted kind of way, all five of us onstage have slept with your wife. When you're wacky and having a great time, that's me! When you're laying around thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?", that's Walter. When you're so angry you want to kill her, that's Achmed!
- Jeff Dunham: What's José Jalapeño on a Stick?
- Peanut: You're a sick man!
- [after Peanut's joke about Jeff driving a Prius]
- Peanut: You know what would be funny as hell?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show was sponsored by Toyota.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: And they have no idea. One night, they're watching this like
- [with a mock Japanese accent]
- Peanut: "Hey! He making fun of our car! He say our car is gay! It not gay, he gay! Let's get Godzilla to kill him!"
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: Good evening, José.
- José Jalapeño: Hola, Señor Jeff.
- [pronounces it "Heff"]
- Jeff Dunham: All right. It's good to see you. It's good to see you.
- José Jalapeño: Gracias, Señor Jeff.
- [again pronounces it "Heff"]
- Peanut: Excuse me!
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: Who the hell is Heff?
- Jeff Dunham: He said "Jeff".
- Peanut: No, he said, "Heff"!
- Jeff Dunham: It's the same thing.
- Peanut: Uh, no, it's nooot! José, what'd you say?
- José Jalapeño: I said, "Señor Jeff".
- [again pronounces it "Heff", but this time with a hacking phlegm sound]
- Peanut: What the f... Now he said "Heff"!
- [with a hacking sound]
- Jeff Dunham: It's all the same!
- Peanut: What? Didn't you watch "Sesame Street"? Jeff is Jeff, Heff is Heff, and...
- [pronounces it with the hacking sound]
- Peanut: Heff is Heff.
- [singing to "One of These Things"]
- Peanut: One of these things just doesn't belong here!
- Jeff Dunham: When it comes to dogs, the big ones or little ones, I have criteria for what is and is not a dog. Here is what is not a dog: anything that bounces when it barks. Not a dog. Anything I can easily dropkick over my back fence, not a dog. Anything that's regularly terrified by a running *leaf*. It's not a dog, it's a yapping Beanie Baby. That's what that is.
- Jeff Dunham: I figured out size does matter in the canine brain. Bill, golden retriever, very smart animal. When he was a puppy and I had to potty train him, if he pooped on the living room carpet, I stuck his nose in it. Three times later, he figured out "Ooh, I'm not supposed to crap here." Next two dogs, same thing. Now the little brain dead chihuahua comes along; she poops on the living room carpet, I stick her nose in it. Three times later, she thinks "Ooh, I'm not supposed to crap ever." And that's why they shake.
- Jeff Dunham: You mispronounced my last name!
- Peanut: [whispering] I knooow!
- Jeff Dunham: It's "Dunham".
- Peanut: Not when you look at it. It says "Dun-HAM." "Jeff Dun-HAM." "HAAAAM!" You're the other white meat.
- Jeff Dunham: Don't confuse everyone, it's "Dunham".
- Peanut: It says "Dun-HAM." "Ham, Ham, HAAAAM."
- [makes pig noise, cow noise, and chicken noise]
- Peanut: Jeff Dun-HAM... dot com! Jeff Dun-HAM... dot com!
- Peanut: And... and you know... you know when you think about it for thirty seconds, it's actually "Jef-fafa" Dun-HAM... dot com!
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: Jef-fafa.
- Jeff Dunham: Fafa?
- Peanut: You're using an unneeded F. Jef-fafa... Dun-HAM... dot com! Am I pissing you off-fafa? Jef-fafa? Dun-HAM... dot com. You know, the weird part is I *am* actually pissing him off! And he would like to *kill me*! But he will not, because that would be a form of *suicide*.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: You want to kill me!
- Jeff Dunham: No, I don't.
- Peanut: Yes, you do.
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Peanut: Yes.
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Peanut: Yes.
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Peanut: Yes.
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Peanut: [in a Darth Vader voice] Search your feelings, Jef-fafa. Dun-HAM... dot com!
- Jeff Dunham: So what's your question? And be nice.
- Peanut: Okay. Ummm, you're a jalapeño.
- José Jalapeño: Si, Señor. On a stick.
- Peanut: Right. And you're a Mexican jalapeño.
- José Jalapeño: On a stick.
- Peanut: Right. Are you a legal Mexican jalapeño?
- [audience laughs, Jeff stares at him]
- Peanut: What? What did I say?
- Jeff Dunham: This is not the appropriate time or place to ask that!
- Peanut: Too late! HA HA HA HA! So José, are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Lega-lega-lega-lega-lega... lega... lega... le... lmmm?
- [Jeff looks at him sternly]
- Walter: [referring to his argument on the phone with his wife] You heard a little of that, didn't ya?
- Jeff Dunham: Oh yeah.
- Walter: I hung up on her.
- Jeff Dunham: Not good.
- Walter: Yeah. She called back and she's like "Did you hang up on me?" I said "I don't know, did it sound something like this - CLICK!"
- Jeff Dunham: Did that make her angry?
- Walter: Oh, I felt a disturbance in the Force!
- Peanut: [about Jeff's wife] She's not exactly bad-looking.
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Peanut: She's ho-T. And her prime is now... yours was twenty years ago.
- [a cameraman on stage goes directly into Walter's face]
- Walter: Holy crap! Wait, wait, come back. Let me look in there. This is Comedy Central! I can see Cartman. I can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed.
- Jeff Dunham: So, Achmed, where did you come from?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: From your freakin' suitcase! Hahahahahahahahaha! I told another joke!
- Jeff Dunham: So if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting past security?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, that's easy. They just open the case and I go, "Hel-looooooooo. I am Lindsay Lohan!"
- [first lines]
- [referring to the standing ovation Jeff received]
- Jeff Dunham: Well, you can't fool me. I know that every bit of that is for the little guys in the suitcase.
- [opening scene: Walter, Jeff Dunham, Peanut, Jeff's wife Paige, and José Jalapeño on a Stick are all in bed]
- Walter: Aw, kids with their hipping and their hopping and... Pull up your damn pants, you morons!
- Jeff Dunham: Second Comedy Central special. It's gonna be great. No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow.
- Peanut: He even does this in his sleep. Ha! What a freak!
- Paige Dunham: Would you idiots give it a rest?
- José Jalapeño: [to Paige] Would you like to see my stick?
- Paige Dunham: Aaaaaaaah!
- [Achmed's torso is backwards and Jeff just turned it around]
- Jeff Dunham: Just sit still.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, I will not move my ass.
- Walter: [from the suitcase] You idiot, you don't have an ass!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Is that Walter?
- Jeff Dunham: Yes.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He scares the crap out of me! Please do not put me back in the same suitcase!
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He has gas. Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart!
- Jeff Dunham: During the holidays last year, we had to take the Hummer and get a little maintenance done on it. And then we went to pick it up when it was finished and we're driving home, and my wife is behind me, she's driving the Hummer, and I'm in front, I'm driving the Prius. I was tricked somehow. I don't know how that happened. But she calls me on the cell phone and she's laughin'. Let me explain to you why. The Prius that we own is not a black Prius, it's not a red Prius. It's a blue Prius. But it's not really a blue Prius, it's more of a "blue" Prius. It's pretty. Sparkly! I did that a little too well, didn't I? And also, while I'm driving, I'm holding in my left arm my wife's three pound chihuahua. And you have to hold this dog when you're driving, otherwise, it'll fall down between the seats, and you're like, "Where the hell is that dog? Oh, there you are. Let me put down the parking brake. That'll hold ya, ya little bastard." "Oh, I gotta shift."
- [imitates chihuahua yelping]
- Jeff Dunham: "Oh! Oh... That was your head. I'm sorry. I thought it was the little shifty thingy. It's the same size, and leather and fur, I don't know the difference. I thought I was grinding the gears." "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Thanks for laughing at that. That's the stupidest joke I tell all night. And then also that morning, unbeknownst to me, I don't know why I didn't see it, but my children have gone out before me, and they had taken out some of those vinyl window holiday decorations and they put them all over the back window of the Prius. There was Christmas trees and Santa Claus and snowflakes. It was so pretty. My wife calls me, she's laughing hysterically. I'm like, "What's so funny?" She goes, "Can you see yourself?" I'm like, "What?" She goes, "You're driving a powder-blue Prius, you're holding a three-pound chihuahua, there's pretty Christmas decorations all over your car, and you make a living with dolls! You're gay!" "Click!"
- Jeff Dunham: Catwoman?
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: You know I used to date Catwoman.
- Jeff Dunham: Really?
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Oh, yeah, but she gave me something I had to take medicine to get rid of. And boy, does it itch! And now it burns when I fly! Da da da daAHHHHHH!
- [Melvin's hair falls off and the audience laughs]
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Son of a bitch!
- [looks down and looks back up]
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: It's the terrorists, I tell you!
- [Jeff picks up his hair]
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: I look like Lex Luthor. Can you put it back?
- Jeff Dunham: Sure.
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Okay.
- [Jeff puts his hair back on and he laughs a bit]
- Jeff Dunham: How's that?
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Da da da da. That kinda sucked.
- Jeff Dunham: Did you like Ft. Lauderdale, Florida?
- Walter: No.
- Jeff Dunham: Why not?
- Walter: Everyone in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, looks exactly like me! I swear it's like one giant nursing home!
- Jeff Dunham: Well, I heard that Ft. Lauderdale is where they tape a lot of those "Girls Gone Wild" videos.
- Walter: Oh, that's only during Spring Break. The rest of the year, it's "Girls Gone Saggy." Then it's "Girls Gone Senile." Then it's just "Girls Gone."
- Peanut: WHAT? The hell is wrong with you? We cannot talk at the same time! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk - THAT'S IT! Focus!
- [to the audience]
- Peanut: I am so sick of this crap! I have tried going solo!
- Jeff Dunham: What happened?
- Peanut: [referring to the stand] Kept falling off this frickin' thing.
- [after Jeff briefly brushes his nose with his hand]
- Peanut: What the hell was that?
- Jeff Dunham: What was what?
- Peanut: What did you just do?
- Jeff Dunham: I didn't do anything.
- Peanut: [stage whisper] You picked your nose!
- [laughter]
- Peanut: Did you see that? Oh my God! You freakin'
- [with heavy emphasis]
- Peanut: *picked* your *nose*!
- [laughter, as Peanut tries to get a closer look at Jeff's nostril]
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: You didn't do a very good job!
- [laughter and applause]
- Peanut: There's still something there!
- Jeff Dunham: Cut it out!
- Peanut: You gotta get it!
- Jeff Dunham: Stop!
- Peanut: It's wiggling!
- Jeff Dunham: Stop it!
- [laughter]
- Peanut: Ooh, wait. You're a ventriloquist; make it *talk*.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: That'd be funny as hell! Ooh, and give it a French accent.
- [laughter]
- [about Walter's wife giving him a book on reincarnation]
- Walter: Maybe one day I'll be reincarnated and come back as a sensitive guy.
- Jeff Dunham: Sure.
- Walter: Driving blue frickin' Prius.
- [laughter]
- Walter: That is the saddest little vehicle.
- Jeff Dunham: It's a great car!
- Walter: You ever heard it when you drive by?
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Walter: It goes "IIIIII'MMMMMMM GAY".
- [laughter]
- Walter: "IIIIII'MMMMMMM GAY".
- [laughter]
- Walter: Yeah, and when it idles, it goes "Homohomohomohomohomo."
- [laughter]
- [Jeff is trying to fix Achmed's feet after they get twisted around]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Stop touching me!
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I... kill... you!
- [laughter]
- [during his performance, Achmed's feet get twisted around]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I need some ligaments!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] What's wrong with you tonight?
- Walter: I don't know. I'm just pissed. I don't wanna go home.
- Jeff Dunham: Why not?
- Walter: I think my house is haunted.
- Jeff Dunham: Why do you think that?
- Walter: My wife is there. I walk in the front door and all I hear is "Get out...!"
- Jeff Dunham: [to Melvin] So, you're friends with other superheroes?
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Uh, some of them.
- Jeff Dunham: How about Aquaman?
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Ah, no.
- Jeff Dunham: I like Aquaman. He can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Yeah, great, he has all the same powers as Spongebob.
- Jeff Dunham: How about the Hulk?
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Why do you like the Hulk?
- Jeff Dunham: Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Yeah, like every white trash guy on "Cops".
- Jeff Dunham: [referring to the suicide bomber training camp] Is that a nice facility?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It used to be.
- Jeff Dunham: What happened?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: New guy. The idiot tried to practice.
- Jeff Dunham: What did you guys learn from that?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Location, location, location.
- Jeff Dunham: [to José] I'm very happy to have you in the act.
- José Jalapeño: Gracias, Señor.
- Peanut: Just make sure he's legal!
- Jeff Dunham: He's legal!
- Peanut: Okay!
- Jeff Dunham: Why are you so concerned?
- Peanut: Are you not concerned?
- Jeff Dunham: Why should I be concerned?
- Peanut: He works for *you*! If some of those laws pass and he's not legal, you're gonna get your ass thrown in jail! And trust me, you would not do well in prison.
- Jeff Dunham: Why not?
- Peanut: Ha! Come here, puppet boy! Make your daddy talk!
- Jeff Dunham: [to José] Do you enjoy being in this country?
- José Jalapeño: Sometimes, I'm afraid for my life.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Peanut: [whispering] Taco Bell!
- Jeff Dunham: [after Walter's experience in Ft. Lauderdale] So you went someplace a little cooler.
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: Do you remember? We went to Green Bay, Wisconsin.
- Walter: Yeah, in February! It was negative twenty, with a negative-thirty windchill! I get onstage every night, and I'd say, "You people are idiots. Did you know the borders are open? Pack up your suburban and get the hell out!"
- Jeff Dunham: [trying to fix Achmed's feet after they get twisted around] All right, just hold on. We'll fix this.
- [lifts Achmed in the air]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay.
- [Jeff lifts Achmed in the air to fix him]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Wait, what are you doing? Holy crap, I'm in the air! Wait, wait!
- [Jeff turns Achmed's pelvis around, which is backwards]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Something is backwards! Holy crap!
- [Jeff sets Achmed back down, his feet apparently fixed]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I need some ligaments.
- Walter: [about his experience at Green Bay] And another thing: Green Bay Packers stadium. What's it called?
- Jeff Dunham: Lambeau Field.
- Walter: Lambeau Field; no roof. Helloooo! How many weekends during football season is good weather in Green Bay? That would be, *none*. Note to self: build a frickin' roof! We have the technology. You talk to the locals in Green Bay, what do they say?
- [mimicking shivering]
- Walter: "We love it here! We're a hardy people!" Bunch of frozen dumbasses is what you are.
- Jeff Dunham: Another way the chihuahua proved her lack of intelligence: most dogs know when you find a stick in the yard and you put it in your mouth and you run with it, you put the stick in your mouth sideways.
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: I am not kidding. This little idiot dog found a stick about as long as she was; she stuck it her mouth to run with it, but it was sticking straight out the front.
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: This is all true. We were all sitting on the couch watching TV, she comes running through the house as fast as she can, that stick's sticking straight out, and as she runs across the carpet in front of us, for some reason she decided to quickly look down.
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: Oh, yeah. Stick stuck in the carpet, crammed down her throat; with momentum, she actually pole vaulted over the stick.
- [he pantomimes, to raucous laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: Of course, my wife and my girls were all like "Ahh!". I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard.
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: And then I thought "Damn. If she'd have been going just a little faster, I'd have a new puppet. A chihuahua on a stick."
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Two Jews walk in a bar...
- Jeff Dunham: No. No.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What? You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard!
- Jeff Dunham: You know, they're putting a lot more National Guard on the border between the U.S. and Mexico. Does this concern you?
- José Jalapeño: No, señor.
- Jeff Dunham: Why not?
- Peanut: He's already here! You really are an idiot!
- Jeff Dunham: So, José, are you here on a temporary visa? Are you here on a work visa?
- Peanut: He's here on a stick!
- Jeff Dunham: So you're Muslim?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I don't think so.
- Jeff Dunham: You don't think you're Muslim?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No.
- Jeff Dunham: Why not?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Look at my ass. It says: "Made in China".
- Jeff Dunham: So do you like being in D.C.?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I think some idiots must live here.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: For example, The Washington Monument.
- Jeff Dunham: Yes?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton.
- Jeff Dunham: So, Melvin, whenever there is trouble, how are you summoned?
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Oh, I'm making a deal with the commissioner to get a spotlight with a silhouette of my symbol.
- Jeff Dunham: Your symbol?
- Melvin the Superhero Guy: Yes. A big nose in the sky. Only problem is that it doesn't always look like a nose. It's not a cupcake either.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my 72 virgins!
- [looks at audience]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Are you my virgins? I hope not.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there!
- Jeff Dunham: So when you died, did you see a white light?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I saw a Blue Prius! Do you really own one of those vehicles?
- Jeff Dunham: Yes.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: *That's* not a car! That's a lunch box!
- Jeff Dunham: José, I must say you speak English very well.
- José Jalapeño: Gracias, Señor.
- Jeff Dunham: What were some of the first phrases you learned in English?
- Peanut: "Will you help me push my car?" "Does this I.D. look real to you?"
- Jeff Dunham: Will you stop it?
- Peanut: "Where's the nearest Home Depot?"
- Jeff Dunham: Stop it!
- José Jalapeño: Actually, that last one was true.
- Jeff Dunham: José?
- José Jalapeño: ¿Sí, Señor?
- Jeff Dunham: Are you legal to be in this country?
- José Jalapeño: Sí, Señor, I have my green card.
- Peanut: Yeah? Well, where is your green card?
- José Jalapeño: It's in my other stick.
- [Peanut and Jeff look at José, and then at José's stick and then at each other]
- Peanut: Did you know he had another stick?
- Jeff Dunham: I had no idea.
- Peanut: You know what that means?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: It means that one comes out!
- [Peanut examines José's stick again]
- Peanut: Oh, my God!
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: I thought it was just stuck up his ass!
- Jeff Dunham: What's wrong?
- Peanut: He doesn't have an ass! He's just a jalapeño!
- José Jalapeño: On a stick!
- Peanut: I know!
- Jeff Dunham: So you did this all for a bunch of virgins?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a Klondike Bar.