- Bobby Newman: Brendan, what are you doing here?
- Brendan Dorff: I just brought by some chocolate and an army knife.
- Bobby Newman: Mmm. No. Sweeden.
- [first lines]
- P.J. Franklin: [voiceover] Friday night. All over the city, people are out on dates, but why would I want to do that when I can do this?
- Mike Callahan: Yes! You're trapped, mouse!
- P.J. Franklin: [voiceover] No, no. This feels good. We're almost thirty and we're playing a game that says "recommended age three to five." Yup, life is going according to plan.
- P.J. Franklin: Oh, my God. Last night I had this dream. I was, like, seventy - still single, still hanging out with the guys.
- Stephanie Layne: Oh, sweetie, I've had that dream about you, too.
- Bobby Newman: I'm just saying, if I had a nanny like that, I would quit my job and I'd stay home just to be with her.
- Brendan Dorff: Dude, if you quit your job, you wouldn't need a nanny.
- Bobby Newman: Okay, let's not overthink this.
- Mike Callahan: Oh, please. Being debonair's not that hard. I'm this far from being Cary Grant all the time.
- Kenny Morittori: You literally have a pound of dip on your chin.
- P.J. Franklin: Oh, that reminds me, the dinner party is back on. Bobby, Brendan, you guys in?
- Brendan Dorff: Mmm, I think I'm busy.
- Bobby Newman: Me, too.
- P.J. Franklin: You guys aren't busy. You're just waiting to see if something better comes along. Come on, you guys. I'm just trying to shake things up here.
- Kenny Morittori: They don't wanna come, they don't wanna come.
- Mike Callahan: Yeah, PJ, there's no reason to badger them into coming to your dumb dinner party.
- P.J. Franklin: Smooth, you guys.
- Kenny Morittori: I'm like a Honda. Not too flashy but dependable. Mike's like an old convertible Mustang, you know? The girls think it's gonna be fun, but the truth is it's two tickets from a boot, it's missing hubcaps, smells like french fries. Used to be the cool car in the neighborhood; now it's the eyesore in the front yard. That's when they come back to the Honda.
- Stephanie Layne: [about P.J.'s date] My God, I just wanna break him in two and suck out the middle.
- P.J. Franklin: All right, Stephanie, put it back in your pants.
- Mike Callahan: My girl's broken.
- Kenny Morittori: So whadda you want ME to do about it?
- Mike Callahan: Give me yours.
- Andy Franklin: I'm just saying you guys are the perfect level of attractive. I mean, you're good-looking but not so much where I feel uncomfortable around you.
- Beth: Well, that's sweet, kind of.
- Margo: And wildly offensive, kind of.
- Mike Callahan: PJ, you gotta help me. Put in a good word with Beth and Maggie.
- P.J. Franklin: Margo?
- Mike Callahan: Whatever. They think Kenny is the catch. Someone's gotta tell these blind idiots what is what.
- P.J. Franklin: Chris is gay.
- Mike Callahan: What? No. I play basketball with him every weekend.
- [Chris enters]
- Mike Callahan: Dude, they think you're gay.
- Chris: I am. Do you have a problem with that?
- Mike Callahan: No. You're GAY? Does the rest of the team know?
- Chris: Mike, it's a... gay league.