- John 'Spud' Milton: I don't know about you Sir, but drinking just makes me sad. It's like the more you drink, the sadder you get... and the sadder you get the more you drink...
- [Dad's last words of advice, as he leaves his son at Boarding School]
- Dad: Remember, my boy, never apologize for anything. Even the Queen has to shit once a day.
- John 'Spud' Milton: Every Thursday night is video night. This week, it's "Night Shift" with Shelley Long. She plays this really hot prostitute. When I leave school, I'm definitely gonna drive around looking for prostitutes.