My Family (TV Series)

Life Begins at Fifty (2007)

Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael Harper : Dad, mum is going through the menopause.

  Ben Harper : What?

  Michael Harper : The change of life. Think about it: the mood swings, the hot flushes, the lapses in memory - she's been putting this family through hell.

  Ben Harper : Yeah!

  Michael Harper : That's normally your job.

• Michael Harper : You're in a good mood.

  Alfie Butts : Yesterday I met the most sublime woman. Beautiful, charming, witty, reminiscent of a young Grace Kelly.

  Michael Harper : Where did you meet her?

  Alfie Butts : Up the park. Only trouble is she's labouring under a misapprehension.

  Michael Harper : That you're from Earth?

• Alfie Butts : I don't suppose anyone's seen my wallet, have they?

  Roger Bailey : And what's that supposed to mean?

  Alfie Butts : Well, I wasn't accusing Mrs Harper, if that's what you think.

  Roger Bailey : You'd better not be! Because Susan Harper is the most inspirational person in my life!

  Abi Harper : [Tugs his arm and smiles at him, hinting that she is inspirational] 

  Roger Bailey : ...besides my mother!

  Abi Harper : [Turns away and sulks] 

  Michael Harper : Any male role models in your life?

  Roger Bailey : [pause]  None that spring to mind!

• Susan Harper : [Holding a pair of underpants thinking they're Michael's]  Oh, my babies have all grown up!

  Michael Harper : Mum, those are Alfie's underpants!

• Michael Harper : [Performing a lie detector test on Susan]  OK, mum. Did you deliberately steal those sunglasses?

  Susan Harper : No, I did not.

  [Lie detector stays quiet] 

  Susan Harper : There. You see?

  Ben Harper : Alright. OK. Hang on. Did you absent-mindedly put them in your pocket and leave the store without paying for them?

  Susan Harper : No.

  [Lie detector goes loud] 

  Susan Harper : This is ridiculous! The machine's obviously broken!

  Ben Harper : Susan, please! You can tell us! I mean, there are no secrets between us, are there?

  Susan Harper : Of course not!

  [Lie detector goes haywire] 

  Susan Harper : I'm going for a lie down.

  [Lie detector goes haywire again] 

  Susan Harper : Alright, I'm going for a drink!

  [Lie detector is quiet] 

• Michael Harper : Don't worry, Alfie. Melanie will be here soon.

  Alfie Butts : I can't stand it any longer.

  Michael Harper : I thought things were going well with her.

  Alfie Butts : It's the deceit. I'm caught in my own web of lies. In fact, I'm like a spider that's lost the protective mucus that stops it sticking to its own web.

  Michael Harper : Come on, Alfie. You've got plenty of mucus left!

• Ben Harper : You know, Mikey? I sometimes think I chose the wrong career. I can see myself crossing swords with the great legal minds, tying witnesses up in knots, shocking the court with some last-minute piece of evidence.

  Michael Harper : Yeah, well, it's got to be better than looking in people's gobs all day!