- Ted: I see a spark of the old me in you, you know that?
- Sam Oliver: Please don't say that, Ted.
- Ted: And that's why I am prepared to promote you to assistant manager of the plumbing department. What do you think of that, if that happens?
- Sam Oliver: I think I want to stab myself.
- Sam Oliver: You stole mail?
- Bert 'Sock' Wysocki: Yeah.
- Ben: Sock, that's a felony.
- Bert 'Sock' Wysocki: Well come on now, there's a fine line between a felony and doing something really super cool.
- Ben: That's true.
- Sam Oliver: Great, we need a password.
- Bert 'Sock' Wysocki: Oh, ah, try grumpy. It's a little pet name we had for, uh ...
- Sam Oliver: I don't want to know.
- Bert 'Sock' Wysocki: A cat that we had, sicko. God. No, I was just kidding. It was totally the name for my junk.
- Devil: Get the girl. Get the soul. I don't care which, man, just pull that trigger. I'm tired of coddling you.
- Sam Oliver: You call what you put me through "coddling"?
- Devil: Oh, Sam. You have no idea.