Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series)
Admiral Peralta (2020)
Bradley Whitford: Roger Peralta
Photos
Quotes
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Roger Peralta : Aw, Jake. I am excited that you're having a kid.
Jake Peralta : Thank you, Dad. Oh, and hey, if you're free next Friday, we're having a sex reveal party.
Roger Peralta : Well, I went to one of those in Amsterdam. I would not invite relatives.
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Roger Peralta : We're not meant to have sons. There's a demon in our genes.
Jake Peralta : Title of your sex tape.
Roger Peralta : No, the title of my sex tape is "Cockpit Larry and the Mile High Stewardae."
Jake Peralta : What?
Roger Peralta : "Stewardae." It's plural for stewardess.
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Roger Peralta : Aunt Millie?
Walter Peralta : Dead.
Roger Peralta : Uncle Thomas?
Walter Peralta : Dead.
Roger Peralta : Aunt Janet?
Walter Peralta : Dead.
Roger Peralta : Uncle Dean?
Walter Peralta : Gay.
Roger Peralta : Ooh, good for him. What about Aunt Lyn?
Walter Peralta : Dead.
Walter Peralta : [to Amy, on the phone] Apparently there was a fire at the family reunion. Lucky for my Uncle Dean, he was not welcome at the event.
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Roger Peralta : Peralta fathers do not get along with sons.
Jake Peralta : What? That's not true. I mean, look at us. We're doing better than ever. This year, you even remembered my birthday month.
Roger Peralta : Things are good now, but honestly, it's probably just a blip.
Jake Peralta : Well, that's fun to hear.
Roger Peralta : Well, that's just the way it is. It's the family curse. I haven't talked to my father since you were 10. His dad abandoned him at the World's Fair. His dad fled to America after drowning his dad in a well.
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Roger Peralta : Growing up, he had a boat. Meant everything to him. He named it "Walter," after himself.
Walter Peralta : She was the child I never had.
Roger Peralta : I was the child you did have! Anyway, one day I took Walter Junior out for a spin. I was trying to impress one of the lake girls. Before I met your mom, I was a bit of a ladies' man.
Jake Peralta : Yes, that continued long after you met my mom.
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Roger Peralta : Your grandson would like us to make peace. So, do you apologize for being the worst father in the history in the world? Even worse than fathers who chain their children in basements?
Walter Peralta : I do not.
Roger Peralta : That's on him. I tried.
Jake Peralta : I really don't think you did.
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Jake Peralta : Look, I know you don't like him, but can you at least try to be nice for me?
Roger Peralta : Okay. I'll be nice.
[later]
Roger Peralta : I wish you were dead, you lousy son of a bitch!
Jake Peralta : You said you were gonna be nice.
Roger Peralta : I lied so I could say the "son of a bitch" thing.
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Jake Peralta : So John McClain's advice wasn't great, but I have other books. This one says to make sure neither of you has a full diaper. Feels like we can skip that part.
Roger Peralta : I wouldn't be so sure.
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Walter Peralta : [Reminiscing on his favorite memory with his son] While we were playing, the neighbor kid fell off his bike.
Roger Peralta : Yeah, he broke his arm.
Walter Peralta : You could see the bone.
Roger Peralta : [laughs] Do you remember when we went skiing, and the guy fell off the lift and busted his leg?
Walter Peralta : And you could see the bone.
Roger Peralta : It was just, like, sticking right out of the skin, and he's, like, screaming. We were laughing.
Walter Peralta : Oh, oh, it was beautiful.
Roger Peralta : God, I hope somebody found him.
Jake Peralta : Okay, well, you guys are both monsters, but this is going great.
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Jake Peralta : Now, we can't see the cake before Amy, which means we have to figure out a way to clean it up without looking at it.
[gasps]
Jake Peralta : We have to "Birdbox" it.
Walter Peralta : And "Birdbox" is the bakery.
Jake Peralta : No, "Birdbox" is a movie where people aren't allowed to look at things. Just put on these blindfolds and help me clean it up.
Roger Peralta : I "Birdbox-ed" the stewardess in Sweden once.
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Roger Peralta : You're so excited about having a kid, you're having a sex reveal party. I never did anything like that, except that one time in Amsterdam.
Jake Peralta : I really wish you'd stop bringing that up.