- Bill Pearson: [about his missing python] How come you're not out finding that viper of yours?
- Bryan Pearson: She's not a viper. She's a constrictor. Pythons rarely bite, they crush their prey. Normally nothing larger than a wombat, so you're safe dad.
- Bill Pearson: I don't care if it doesn't bite and it's on Jenny Craig. Find it.
- Bryan Pearson: Yes sir.
- Susan Pearson: [recounting the stressful day she's had] Well, first I get a call from Trent's teacher, letting us know he's got a five page report due tomorrow. Lauren rearended someone. No one was hurt, thank God. Raffles freaked out when Bryan's python got loose and I have to make five dozen cookies.
- Bill Pearson: There's a snake loose in this house?
- Bill Pearson: [to Susan] Oh alright, you wanna argue about this? Then let's argue naked.
- Susan Pearson: [Susan gives Bill a weird smile] What?
- Lauren Pearson: Why did you guys... choose to have other children after me?
- Susan Pearson: Cause, we were young... and stupid.