- John Astin: Take the one called "Creature From The Haunted Sea."
- S.D. Nemeth: Un, no, pally. You take it.
- John Astin: That's right. Last thing you want to do is panic the passengers when they're all about to be scragged by a big hairy thing.
- Bobby Kelton: Do you know who made this movie? Francis Ford Coppola. Of course, he went on to make some biggies. Like The Godfather and Apocalypse Now
- Rhonda Shear: Gee, I bet he's really glad you brought up his name tonight.
- John Astin: Someone turns up the heat, and this old fossil thaws out.
- S.D. Nemeth: Whatever it is, I bet it stinks up the place!
- John Astin: The place also comes with a spooky old butler who hasn't worked since "Hogan's Heroes" went off the air,
- John Astin: The only ending that wasn't tragic was the end of this movie. That had people up. Cheering.
- John Astin: The castle turns out to be a spooky old barn. The kind you might see in a bad movie. Wait, this is a bad movie!
- Bobby Kelton: He's also a man with tortured plumbing. These old castles look charming, but they come with a lot of upkeep.
- S.D. Nemeth: Spare me the bathroom humor.
- Bobby Pickett: That's Jack Nicholson back when he was still sitting in the cheap seats at the Lakers games.
- Bobby Pickett: Caution, boys and girls, never pick up hitch-hikers. Especially if they look like they just went a few rounds with Godzilla.
- Rhonda Shear: Now, before you go out and rent this one, just remember, it might be a little gory.
- Bobby Kelton: Yeah, like how Jack the Ripper was just a little girl crazy.
- Dr. Feodor Orloff: My little family... .
- John Astin: Yes, and what a family. It reminds me of a certain family I used to know.
- Helen Cooper: I'm Helen Cooper. Harry's wife.
- John Astin: Harry's wife? I didn't know he had a wife. It will sure come as a shock to his girlfriend.