- Susan Harper: Ben, give me the bread knife.
- Ben Harper: Why?
- Susan Harper: Now hand me your belt, your shoelaces and any other sharp objects.
- Ben Harper: Why?
- Susan Harper: It's for your own safety. My mother's coming over.
- Susan Harper: You're right, mother. You can't have too many pictures of the exact same beach.
- Grace: You know, Brad and I go down there in our bathing costumes and have the entire beach to ourselves.
- Ben Harper: Really? Can't think why!
- Grace: That's the beach at sunset. And that's us getting married on the beach. Then we're back to the beginning again.
- Susan Harper: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Show me that last photo! You got married again?
- Grace: Darling, we didn't want a fuss.
- Susan Harper: And you didn't invite us?
- Ben Harper: And for that, we are eternally grateful!
- Susan Harper: [Looking at a photo of Grace's husband, Brad] Did he never take those Speedos off?
- Grace: Oh, yes!
- Ben Harper: Oh, no!
- Grace: You know, sometimes it's hard to tell you things. You have a tendency to overreact.
- Susan Harper: I DO NOT...
- [calms down]
- Susan Harper: overreact.
- Michael Harper: They said yes! I don't believe it - we're going to be on The Weakest Link!
- Susan Harper: The Weakest Link?
- Michael Harper: They accepted us. It's a family edition. I did tell you about it.
- Susan Harper: [to Grace] You hear that, mother? That's what do in this family - we tell each other things.
- [to Michael]
- Susan Harper: When did you do this?
- Michael Harper: A couple of months ago when I filled in the forms for everybody.
- Susan Harper: I don't remember signing anything.
- Michael Harper: I kind of forged all the signatures. I do them perfectly.
- Susan Harper: Even your father's?
- Michael Harper: Since I was 10.
- Susan Harper: Can you teach me?
- Susan Harper: But come on, Ben! It's The Weakest Link! You've got to do it!
- Ben Harper: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope! I would rather swan dive into a deep fat fryer!
- Susan Harper: What is it about being on the show that bothers you?
- Ben Harper: Hmm, nothing much. Just me being humiliated by a sadistic harpy!
- Susan Harper: But darling, that's one of the cornerstones of our marriage!
- Susan Harper: I understand.
- Ben Harper: Good!
- Susan Harper: No man wants to come across as less intelligent than his wife on national television.
- Ben Harper: I know what you're doing, Susan, and it won't work!
- Susan Harper: I mean, it's embarrassing when a man's wife makes him look like a knuckle-dragging lummox in public.
- Ben Harper: Fine. Good. So you're married to a knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband. And guess what? This knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband is going to sleep. Good night.
- Susan Harper: [pause] I take it you'll be doing the show?
- Ben Harper: You just try and stop me!
- Ben Harper: Just me and you, eh, Kenzo? You know, if your granddad wins this, I could buy you a present! Yeah! What would you like?
- Kenzo Harper: A computer!
- Ben Harper: Well, it's not going to happen though, is it?
- Michael Harper: What's wrong with Roger?
- Ben Harper: Any questions like that, Michael, on this show and we're done for!
- Susan Harper: Right! Let's get this over with! If Anne Robinson says one thing about this dress, so help me, I'll fix her so she won't have to phone a friend, she'll have to phone a doctor!
- Janey Harper: Wrong show, mum. That's Deal Or No Deal.
- Susan Harper: So what's the one with Ant & Dec?
- Michael Harper: We are dead in the water!
- Ben Harper: I'm Ben Harper. I'm, er, 49... I'm a dentist. I'm from Chiswick.
- Susan Harper: Hello. I'm Susan Harper, I'm 46...
- Ben Harper: [laughs]
- Susan Harper: ...and I also live in Chiswick, and I work in an art gallery.
- Michael Harper: I'm Michael Harper, I'm 18, I live in Chiswick and I'm not too old to be adopted.
- Alfie Butts: I'm Alfie Butts, I'm 26, I pay rent from a box room in Chiswick...
- Ben Harper: Oh, please!
- Alfie Butts: ...I'm unempl- I'm, I'm a musician!
- Janey Harper: I'm Janey Harper. I'm 25. I live in west London. I'm single. I like Colin Farrell films and romantic walks in the country. A nice car and holiday home are essential!
- Director: Cut!
- Janey Harper: What?
- Researcher: Is that your mummy?
- Kenzo Harper: [pause] No!
- Weakest Link Presenter: So, Susan. Put your board down. Step to your right. I presume you've got blinds at home since you appear to be wearing your lounge curtains!
- Susan Harper: Listen, you!
- Weakest Link Presenter: Ben, why did you vote for your own daughter?
- Ben Harper: Well, she's got to learn that the first man on the moon was not Louis Armstrong!
- Weakest Link Presenter: And Michael, you volunteered your family for the show. Why?
- Michael Harper: Because I'd recorded every episode of The Weakest Link. Then I transcribed all the questions, subdividing them into topics, then I plotted them against a graph of my own family's areas of interest and from that, I calculated that the only person who has a greater than 38% chance of beating me is Alfie!
- Weakest Link Presenter: You don't have a girlfriend, do you, Michael?
- Weakest Link Presenter: No.
- Weakest Link Presenter: And you, Alfie? A girlfriend?
- Alfie Butts: Oh, that's... that's very kind of you to offer, Mrs Robinson! Though I find you very attractive, I suspect that I have yet to reach the appropriate level of maturity to fully do justice to your needs as a woman!
- Weakest Link Presenter: I don't know, Alfie. Clean yourself up a bit and keep your mouth and who knows?
- Weakest Link Presenter: Susan, in legal jargon, who may be said to be called up to the Bar?
- Susan Harper: Besides my mother, a barrister.
- Grace: Charming!
- Weakest Link Presenter: So Susan, why Brad?
- Susan Harper: Because it doesn't matter if I vote off one of my mother's husbands. There'll be another one along in a minute.
- Grace: You're a fine one to talk!
- Weakest Link Presenter: Something to say, Grace?
- Grace: Ye- no, no, no, no! My daughter's led a perfect life!
- Weakest Link Presenter: I think I sense tension!
- Grace: I'm only saying she's made some bad decisions and I don't just mean Ben! Las Vegas, 1973?
- Weakest Link Presenter: Las Vegas, Susan?
- Ben Harper: What?
- Susan Harper: I have no idea what... Can we move on?
- Weakest Link Presenter: No, no! What did happen in Vegas?
- Susan Harper: I don't remember!
- Weakest Link Presenter: Grace, could you help us out here?
- Grace: She had a quickie marriage!
- Ben Harper: What?
- Susan Harper: Mother, you are the weakest link - goodbye!
- Weakest Link Presenter: So Ben, why did you vote for Susan?
- Ben Harper: Why? Well, because... she missed the question on the Periodic Table and she married another man!
- Weakest Link Presenter: Susan, why Ben?
- Susan Harper: Because he missed two of the questions.
- Weakest Link Presenter: No, no, why did you marry him and what happened to Troy the wrestler?
- Susan Harper: I don't think that's any of your business!
- Ben Harper: Oh, I think it's mine, so what happened?
- Ben Harper: [to Grace] OK, mother-in-law or no mother-in-law, you're going to tell me what happened or you and I are going to be bouncing off the ropes!
- Brad: Now, just hold it right there, sonny boy! The only you'll get at her is through me!
- Ben Harper: Brad, I've seen you in Speedos, so sit down!
- Roger Bailey: Look, erm, I don't know a lot about love, but what I do...
- Ben Harper: Roger, I would not take advice from you about where to put a table!
- Susan Harper: Whatever we've done in our past makes us what we are today. And we should be thankful for that.
- Ben Harper: What? That's rubbish! You married a wrestler!
- Susan Harper: I'd never met anyone like you before. I mean, you were so... exciting... handsome...
- Ben Harper: Hmm?
- Susan Harper: ...charming... intelligent...
- Ben Harper: And?
- Susan Harper: ...witty... handsome...
- Ben Harper: Mmm, you've done the handsome before.
- Susan Harper: ...good looking...
- Ben Harper: That's like handsome. It's not strong, is it?
- Susan Harper: I'm not a bloody thesaurus, Ben.
- Alfie Butts: [Mimics crowd cheering noises]
- Michael Harper: Jammy git!
- Ben Harper: So, I wonder who won?