My Family (TV Series)
Susan of Troy (2007)
Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Susan Harper : Ben, give me the bread knife.
Ben Harper : Why?
Susan Harper : Now hand me your belt, your shoelaces and any other sharp objects.
Ben Harper : Why?
Susan Harper : It's for your own safety. My mother's coming over.
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Susan Harper : You're right, mother. You can't have too many pictures of the exact same beach.
Grace : You know, Brad and I go down there in our bathing costumes and have the entire beach to ourselves.
Ben Harper : Really? Can't think why!
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Grace : That's the beach at sunset. And that's us getting married on the beach. Then we're back to the beginning again.
Susan Harper : Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Show me that last photo! You got married again?
Grace : Darling, we didn't want a fuss.
Susan Harper : And you didn't invite us?
Ben Harper : And for that, we are eternally grateful!
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Susan Harper : [Looking at a photo of Grace's husband, Brad] Did he never take those Speedos off?
Grace : Oh, yes!
Ben Harper : Oh, no!
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Grace : You know, sometimes it's hard to tell you things. You have a tendency to overreact.
Susan Harper : I DO NOT...
[calms down]
Susan Harper : overreact.
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Michael Harper : They said yes! I don't believe it - we're going to be on The Weakest Link!
Susan Harper : The Weakest Link?
Michael Harper : They accepted us. It's a family edition. I did tell you about it.
Susan Harper : [to Grace] You hear that, mother? That's what do in this family - we tell each other things.
[to Michael]
Susan Harper : When did you do this?
Michael Harper : A couple of months ago when I filled in the forms for everybody.
Susan Harper : I don't remember signing anything.
Michael Harper : I kind of forged all the signatures. I do them perfectly.
Susan Harper : Even your father's?
Michael Harper : Since I was 10.
Susan Harper : Can you teach me?
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Susan Harper : But come on, Ben! It's The Weakest Link! You've got to do it!
Ben Harper : Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope! I would rather swan dive into a deep fat fryer!
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Susan Harper : What is it about being on the show that bothers you?
Ben Harper : Hmm, nothing much. Just me being humiliated by a sadistic harpy!
Susan Harper : But darling, that's one of the cornerstones of our marriage!
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Susan Harper : I understand.
Ben Harper : Good!
Susan Harper : No man wants to come across as less intelligent than his wife on national television.
Ben Harper : I know what you're doing, Susan, and it won't work!
Susan Harper : I mean, it's embarrassing when a man's wife makes him look like a knuckle-dragging lummox in public.
Ben Harper : Fine. Good. So you're married to a knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband. And guess what? This knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband is going to sleep. Good night.
Susan Harper : [pause] I take it you'll be doing the show?
Ben Harper : You just try and stop me!
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Susan Harper : Right! Let's get this over with! If Anne Robinson says one thing about this dress, so help me, I'll fix her so she won't have to phone a friend, she'll have to phone a doctor!
Janey Harper : Wrong show, mum. That's Deal Or No Deal.
Susan Harper : So what's the one with Ant & Dec?
Michael Harper : We are dead in the water!
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Ben Harper : I'm Ben Harper. I'm, er, 49... I'm a dentist. I'm from Chiswick.
Susan Harper : Hello. I'm Susan Harper, I'm 46...
Ben Harper : [laughs]
Susan Harper : ...and I also live in Chiswick, and I work in an art gallery.
Michael Harper : I'm Michael Harper, I'm 18, I live in Chiswick and I'm not too old to be adopted.
Alfie Butts : I'm Alfie Butts, I'm 26, I pay rent from a box room in Chiswick...
Ben Harper : Oh, please!
Alfie Butts : ...I'm unempl- I'm, I'm a musician!
Janey Harper : I'm Janey Harper. I'm 25. I live in west London. I'm single. I like Colin Farrell films and romantic walks in the country. A nice car and holiday home are essential!
Director : Cut!
Janey Harper : What?
Researcher : Is that your mummy?
Kenzo Harper : [pause] No!
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Weakest Link Presenter : So, Susan. Put your board down. Step to your right. I presume you've got blinds at home since you appear to be wearing your lounge curtains!
Susan Harper : Listen, you!
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Weakest Link Presenter : Susan, in legal jargon, who may be said to be called up to the Bar?
Susan Harper : Besides my mother, a barrister.
Grace : Charming!
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Weakest Link Presenter : So Susan, why Brad?
Susan Harper : Because it doesn't matter if I vote off one of my mother's husbands. There'll be another one along in a minute.
Grace : You're a fine one to talk!
Weakest Link Presenter : Something to say, Grace?
Grace : Ye- no, no, no, no! My daughter's led a perfect life!
Weakest Link Presenter : I think I sense tension!
Grace : I'm only saying she's made some bad decisions and I don't just mean Ben! Las Vegas, 1973?
Weakest Link Presenter : Las Vegas, Susan?
Ben Harper : What?
Susan Harper : I have no idea what... Can we move on?
Weakest Link Presenter : No, no! What did happen in Vegas?
Susan Harper : I don't remember!
Weakest Link Presenter : Grace, could you help us out here?
Grace : She had a quickie marriage!
Ben Harper : What?
Susan Harper : Mother, you are the weakest link - goodbye!
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Weakest Link Presenter : So Ben, why did you vote for Susan?
Ben Harper : Why? Well, because... she missed the question on the Periodic Table and she married another man!
Weakest Link Presenter : Susan, why Ben?
Susan Harper : Because he missed two of the questions.
Weakest Link Presenter : No, no, why did you marry him and what happened to Troy the wrestler?
Susan Harper : I don't think that's any of your business!
Ben Harper : Oh, I think it's mine, so what happened?
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Susan Harper : Whatever we've done in our past makes us what we are today. And we should be thankful for that.
Ben Harper : What? That's rubbish! You married a wrestler!
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Susan Harper : I'd never met anyone like you before. I mean, you were so... exciting... handsome...
Ben Harper : Hmm?
Susan Harper : ...charming... intelligent...
Ben Harper : And?
Susan Harper : ...witty... handsome...
Ben Harper : Mmm, you've done the handsome before.
Susan Harper : ...good looking...
Ben Harper : That's like handsome. It's not strong, is it?
Susan Harper : I'm not a bloody thesaurus, Ben.