- Susan Harper: Look, all I'm trying to say is if you go through life with your head in the sand, all people will see is an ass.
- Alfie Butts: I'm an acoustic freedom fighter on a crusade to bring Celtic rock to the ears of the masses.
- Charlie Briggs: How's that going?
- Alfie Butts: I'm saving up for a new plectrum at the moment.
- Ben: Did I ever tell you when me and Charlie stole a keg of beer from the college bar?
- Susan Harper: And it exploded in the back seat of the car?
- Ben: And right here...
- Susan Harper: ...you still have the scar? No, you never told me.
- Ben: [about college] Oh yeah! Those were the best years of my life!
- Susan Harper: [Gives Ben a stern look]
- Ben: Before I met you, obviously!
- Susan Harper: Ben, I know you're excited Charlie's back from the States, but can you make sure you're here to say hello to Nerys?
- Ben: Yep, yep! Course! Nerys? Nerys? Who's Nerys?
- Susan Harper: Roger's mum.
- Ben: Roger's got a mother?
- Susan Harper: I know. It was a shock for me too. I thought he was reared by the Teletubbies!
- Ben: [On meeting Roger's mum] Look, do I have to be here, darling? I mean, you know, I'll have to be polite and courteous and, you know, it's not really playing to my strengths!
- Ben: Did I ever tell you when me and Charlie went cow tipping?
- Susan Harper: Cow tipping? What's cow tipping?
- Ben: Cow is sleep in field, push cow, cow falls over, pfft - cow tipping!
- Susan Harper: You mean like fly tipping?
- Ben: Yeah... what?
- Susan Harper: And the cow fell on you?
- Ben: Yep! And right here...
- Susan Harper: You still have the scar?
- Susan Harper: Yeah...
- Janey: You know my friend Amanda with the shop? Well, she wants to sell me a share in the property while she's off travelling!
- Susan Harper: What kind of shop?
- Janey: Vintage clothing. Stuff from the 60s and 70s.
- Susan Harper: Oh, you should look in your father's wardrobe! How much do you need?
- Janey: It's the big thing.
- Susan Harper: How much?
- Janey: Did I mention it'll sell itself?
- Susan Harper: How much?
- Janey: £10,000.
- Ben: [Sniggers] I said we should cut out this pointless preamble!
- Janey: Guys, I'm a reliable investment! You can trust me with your money!
- Ben: I'd sooner trust Nick Leeson with my money!
- Janey: I've already fixed a meeting with the bank on Wednesday. They'll give me the loan. I've got a business plan that'll knock them sideways!
- Susan Harper: Good for you, darling! But you might want to take a balaclava and a shotgun!
- Charlie Briggs: [about her sex change] If Ben's the same chap I knew, this is going to be a bit of a shock to him.
- Susan Harper: Trust me, he's the same chap! Go on, give us a twirl! Fantastic!
- Charlie Briggs: So you do think this is going to throw him?
- Susan Harper: Charlie, he gets thrown when I buy him a new toothbrush!
- Charlie Briggs: Susan, you know him better than anyone. I was hoping that you could help me break this to him.
- Susan Harper: It'll put him on edge and make him really uncomfortable.
- Charlie Briggs: I understand.
- Susan Harper: No, I'd be delighted!
- Susan Harper: You know, Charlie? I really admire what you've done. You're very brave.
- Charlie Briggs: This is easy. You're married to Ben - now that's real courage!
- Nerys Bailey: Roger Bailey Jr! What do I say about an empty plate?
- Roger Bailey: Oh!
- Nerys Bailey: [Cuts up his food] Let's make these pieces a bit smaller!
- Michael Harper: And I thought *my* family was dysfunctional!
- Abi Harper: [after receiving a house and a dental practice as a wedding present] I don't know what to say... mum!
- Nerys Bailey: Oh, please! Having you two as neighbours is thanks enough!
- Roger Bailey: Neighbours? In Wales?
- Nerys Bailey: Of course.
- Ben: Well, there's a wedding present we can all enjoy!
- Ben: Why did you do it?
- Charlie Briggs: I just was unhappy. Do you know what it's like to wake up miserable every single day?
- Ben: [pause] No, I... But Charlie, if you were that depressed, why didn't you have a glass of Scotch like the rest of us?
- Susan Harper: And that's why Ben's a dentist, not a psychiatrist.
- Ben: It just seems so weird, you know. I mean, you know, me and Charlie used to hang out in the students union bar, see bands, get drunk together...
- Susan Harper: And you can't do that with a woman?
- Ben: Yeah, er, no... It's just not the same, though, is it?
- Susan Harper: Why not? I can get drunk with the best of them.
- Ben: You don't have to tell me - three kids bear testament to that!
- Michael Harper: You alright, Alfie?
- Alfie Butts: I'm in love, Michael. With a most beguiling creature.
- Michael Harper: She isn't electronically tagged like the last one, is she?
- Alfie Butts: No... no, it's Charlie. I like older women. They really know their way around a man's body.
- Michael Harper: Well, you picked the right one there, then!
- Ben: When was the last time you and me played golf together?
- Michael Harper: When I was nine. You made me carry your clubs in the pouring rain.
- Ben: Oh, yeah! Good times, eh? Good times! We should do it again, you know?
- Susan Harper: [Pins Roger down on the table] Right, Roger! Do you love Abi?
- Roger Bailey: Er... yes!
- Susan Harper: Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
- Roger Bailey: But, er... yes!
- Susan Harper: Do you want you and your mother to resemble a Krankies tribute act in 20 years' time?
- Roger Bailey: Yes! I mean, no! Er... I don't think so!
- Susan Harper: Right, then! Sort it out with Abi - before you lose her!
- Roger Bailey: Point taken, Susan! If somewhat, harshly delivered!
- Roger Bailey: Listen, Abi, Susan's told me a few home truths. She's made me realise that I'm a fool.
- Abi Harper: I could have told you that, Rog!
- Roger Bailey: Look, er, mum, Abi and I are a bit busy at the moment.
- Nerys Bailey: Oh. Oh, that's a shame. I was thinking of getting... ice creams!
- Roger Bailey: Ice creams?
- Abi Harper: I've got jam doughnuts!
- Roger Bailey: Jam doughnuts?
- Nerys Bailey: Oh, we could go to the cinema!
- Roger Bailey: Cinema?
- Abi Harper: We could go to my bedroom and listen to Aled Jones!
- Roger Bailey: [sings] We're walking in the air...
- Nerys Bailey: I'VE GOT WINE GUMS!
- Roger Bailey: NNNGGGGHHHH!
- Abi Harper: I've got...
- [whispers something sexy into Roger's ear]
- Roger Bailey: Really? Before the wedding? Sorry, mum!
- Nerys Bailey: You all turned my son against me! He's just yelled at me!
- Ben: Well, you've had a good run! My kids were only six when they started screaming at me!
- Nerys Bailey: Oh, you're disgusting! You with that strange deviant friend of yours!
- Ben: What, Alfie?
- Nerys Bailey: That Charlie character!
- Ben: What?
- Nerys Bailey: Well, it's not normal, is it?
- Ben: Normal? You're talking to me about normal? Buying pants for a man in his 30s and that's normal?
- Ben: [to Nerys] For your information, Charlie is a considerate and loyal friend! And not only does she have a killer pair of legs, but she's the only woman I know who knows the offside rule! To be honest, Nerys, you might learn a lot about being a woman from my friend Charlie!
- Charlie Briggs: [Smiles at Ben] Actually, I'm a little hazy on the offside rule!
- Ben: Tell me it's not true, Susan!
- Susan Harper: I'm afraid it is!
- Ben: Oh, come on! Mikey!
- Michael Harper: Sorry, dad!
- Ben: The world is such an unjust place!
- Susan Harper: Don't you think you're overreacting slightly?
- Ben: But they would have been happy in Wales! Couldn't you still convince them?
- Susan Harper: I'm afraid not. Roger told Nerys he loved Abi and that they wanted to stay down here!
- Ben: But they wanted to go yesterday. What changed their minds?
- Susan Harper: Search me.