My Family (TV Series)
Dutch Art and Dutch Courage (2007)
Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper
Quotes
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Susan Harper : I need to pack for the weekend.
Ben Harper : Oh, yes. I forgot you were going away. Darling, how am I going to cope without you?
Susan Harper : Oh, you'll be fine. I won't take the remote control.
Ben Harper : OK.
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Alfie Butts : Stiff neck, Janey?
Janey Harper : Oh, yeah! It's killing me!
Alfie Butts : You know, I am skilled in the fine art of massage. I could help. Back home in the farm, I used to give the pigs massages to put them at ease - right before the spike was driven into their head.
Ben Harper : Have you ever massaged anything on two legs?
Alfie Butts : Oh, sure. Chickens, mostly. Although, I did do a duck with a nasty hamstring problem once. Two sessions, he was as good as new!
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Susan Harper : Michael, are you alright? Are you hurt? What happened? Say something.
Michael Harper : I failed my driving test.
Ben Harper : Oh, my God, is that all? I thought you smashed up my car, the insurance rates were going to double...
Susan Harper : [Gives Ben a stern look]
Ben Harper : ...but the important thing is you're safe!
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Susan Harper : Michael, Michael. It's just a driving test. You can take it again. It'll be OK.
Michael Harper : I'm a failure. First time I've ever failed at anything. Don't know how to react.
Ben Harper : Janey, tell Michael how to react.
Janey Harper : What? Don't ask me! I passed my driving test the first time!
Michael Harper : Oh, my God!
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Susan Harper : I've never seen Michael so down. I'm really worried about him.
Ben Harper : So what do you want me to do about it?
Susan Harper : Worry with me.
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Ben Harper : Hey, Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! You know, Mikey, I often find myself in here late at night, nursing a scotch, wondering 'how did I get here?' Most nights.
Michael Harper : I just can't sleep, that's all. Maybe I'm no good at sleeping, either.
Ben Harper : Yep. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say, Michael, is that this is my place to sulk. So maybe you could do yours in the living room?
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Ben Harper : Mikey, you know, the driving test is no big deal.
Michael Harper : You don't get it. This is massive.
Ben Harper : No. Look, because you fail at something, doesn't mean you're a failure.
Michael Harper : That's exactly what it means.
Ben Harper : Yeah, fine! OK, right! OK, if you want to be literal about it, yes, you are a failure. Fine, but you know, all I'm saying is, you know, you've got to lighten up a bit!
Michael Harper : You don't understand what it's like because you're used to failure.
Ben Harper : And the good news is the more you do it, the less it hurts.
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Ben Harper : Ah, yes! You're witnessing a rite of passage today, sir! The first pint I've ever bought my son!
Bartender : It's still £5.30.
Ben Harper : Very nice. It's cheaper down south!
Bartender : Yeah, but you don't get my smiling demeanour!
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Ben Harper : You know, Michael, I remember the first pint my dad ever bought me!
Michael Harper : Celebrating Armistice Day?
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Ben Harper : Well? Well, how did you get on?
Michael Harper : I think I made quite an impression.
Ben Harper : Good boy!
Michael Harper : I threw up on him.
Ben Harper : Great...
Michael Harper : As I was apologising, I threw up on him again.
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Michael Harper : Have you tried the hotel?
Ben Harper : I can't remember the name of it.
Michael Harper : Mum told you where she would be staying.
Ben Harper : Yes, I know - at least 10 times! But I can't be expected to remember every detail your mother mentions!
Michael Harper : Wasn't it the same place you took her on your anniversary?
Ben Harper : Ye... Oh, yeah, erm...
Michael Harper : Didn't you say they did your room up with champagne and rose petals?
Ben Harper : Mmm... yeah... The... The... Oh...
Michael Harper : You said they overcharged you for something.
Ben Harper : The Montgomery!
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Ben Harper : How would you like some free dental work?
Receptionist : Are you threatening me?
Ben Harper : No, I'm a dentist!
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Ben Harper : OK, here's £5, OK?
Receptionist : Are you trying to bribe me?
Ben Harper : No, I'm just giving you £5.
Receptionist : Oh. Alright. Thank you.
Ben Harper : [pause] Well?
Receptionist : Well, what?
Ben Harper : Give me the number.
Receptionist : I told you, I can't do that.
Ben Harper : I just gave you £5!
Receptionist : You just said it wasn't a bribe!