Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : OK, I've done the banner, the food's all sorted and the champagne's on ice.

  Ben Harper : Susan, this is just a pre-wedding party! Did we have to order real champagne? I mean, some of those sparkling Spanish wines are just as good!

  Susan Harper : True. But the sparkling wine you wanted to order came from Libya.

  Ben Harper : Those new world wines, darling, are excellent!

  Susan Harper : Libya's not the new world. It's one of the oldest civilisations on Earth.

  Ben Harper : And just £2 a bottle!

• Susan Harper : Did you pick up the figures for the top of the cake?

  Ben Harper : Yes, although I couldn't get a groom with Roger's vacant slightly confused stare.

• Susan Harper : It's just that weddings make a little emotional. A new couple. Starting a home. Sharing adventures. Having children. Maybe grandchildren.

  Ben Harper : And then dying. It's the cycle of life - it's a beautiful thing!

• Susan Harper : Oh, Abi. Any last-minute nerves?

  Abi Harper : No. Just a flutter of excitement in my tummy every time I look across the room and see Roger!

  Ben Harper : You sure it's excitement? Because nausea can feel very similar!

• Shelly : You know, Susan? I think I married the wrong Harper when I married Dick.

  [Hugs Ben from behind] 

  Shelly : I tell you, babes, you want to hang on to this one. You're a very lucky girl!

  Susan Harper : I tell myself that every time I pick up his underpants from the floor!

  Shelly : Ooh, don't start talking about his pants! You'll get me at it!

• Ben Harper : Look, look, look, look... I haven't done anything for ages. What can I do to help?

  Susan Harper : You could clear up the sick in the downstairs loo.

  Ben Harper : No, apart from that!

• Janey Harper : [Looking at her bridesmaid dress]  Mum, it's awful.

  Susan Harper : You look... you look like a princess.

  Janey Harper : Yeah - the one in Shrek!

• Ben Harper : [At Abi's wedding]  What are you crying for? You're not paying for it.

  Susan Harper : Ben, I have occasional tables that have more sentiment than you!

• Ben Harper : Where is this bride?

  Susan Harper : She said she needed to clear her head.

  Ben Harper : Really? That won't take long! OK, in the meantime...

  Susan Harper : You fill in one number in that sudoku and I'm booking this church for your funeral!

• Susan Harper : Abi, what is this?

  Abi Harper : I can't go through with it! I just can't!

  Susan Harper : Why? You and Roger are made for each other! He's a lovely man!

  Abi Harper : Exactly. I'm not good enough for him. I'm just like my mum. Oh, I'll be alright for the first year or 18 months, then my head will get turned by some flashy used car dealer and I'll be on the first yacht to Monte!

  Susan Harper : What?

  Abi Harper : We've always been flighty, us Harper women. Infidelity runs in the blood. Roger deserves better than that.

  Susan Harper : Abi, it doesn't work like that. I'm nothing like my mother. She's an alcoholic control freak who can't cook! All I'm trying to say is just because your mother is an amoral philandering trollop doesn't mean that you are.

  Abi Harper : Do you really mean that?

  Susan Harper : Of course I do!

  Abi Harper : But what about what Ben said?

  Susan Harper : What did Ben say?

  Abi Harper : About how marriage is like being punched in the face for 12 rounds by Mike Tyson.

  Susan Harper : Did he? That's what marriage is going to be like for Ben!

• Ben Harper : Everything alright?

  Susan Harper : So, our marriage is like a boxing match, is it?

  Ben Harper : Ah, so Abi told you about our little chat? Good! Good! So we can move on!

  Susan Harper : If, by move on, you mean I'd put your conkers in a coffee grinder, then yes, we can move on!

• Susan Harper : [about Ben]  Now how could you ever think a man like that could be right about anything?

  Abi Harper : I know what you mean! He's an idiot, isn't he?

• Susan Harper : [Guessing who Abi has a crush on]  This man - it's not Johnny Depp, is it?

  Abi Harper : How did you guess? It's written all over my face!

  Susan Harper : Abi, there's nothing wrong in fancying Johnny Depp. I fancy Johnny Depp.

  Abi Harper : Back off! He's mine!

  Susan Harper : No, Abi. Everyone fancies Johnny Depp. Even Ben fancies Johnny Depp - a bit.

• Susan Harper : You didn't really think we'd forget your birthday, did you?

  Ben Harper : What? Birthday? Really? It's your birthday?

  Janey Harper : [Opens her present]  Oh, mum! Oh, it's lovely! Oh...

  Susan Harper : Sorry, darling! My heart can't take any more shocks today!

  Ben Harper : And... and I don't like hugging generally.