Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : OK, I've done the banner, the food's all sorted and the champagne's on ice.

  Ben Harper : Susan, this is just a pre-wedding party! Did we have to order real champagne? I mean, some of those sparkling Spanish wines are just as good!

  Susan Harper : True. But the sparkling wine you wanted to order came from Libya.

  Ben Harper : Those new world wines, darling, are excellent!

  Susan Harper : Libya's not the new world. It's one of the oldest civilisations on Earth.

  Ben Harper : And just £2 a bottle!

• Susan Harper : Did you pick up the figures for the top of the cake?

  Ben Harper : Yes, although I couldn't get a groom with Roger's vacant slightly confused stare.

• Susan Harper : It's just that weddings make a little emotional. A new couple. Starting a home. Sharing adventures. Having children. Maybe grandchildren.

  Ben Harper : And then dying. It's the cycle of life - it's a beautiful thing!

• Roger Bailey : How's the hangover, Ben? That was some stag night!

  Ben Harper : Oh, don't remind me! What, a bottle of shandy, watching 'The Railway Children'? Good God, I wouldn't sleep that one off!

• Roger Bailey : Seriously, Ben. It's going to mean so much to me. Standing at the altar, with my best friend at my side!

  Ben Harper : Why, has he been in touch? Well, if he hasn't, I'll do it! It's fine by me!

  Roger Bailey : Oh, you big kidder!

• Susan Harper : Oh, Abi. Any last-minute nerves?

  Abi Harper : No. Just a flutter of excitement in my tummy every time I look across the room and see Roger!

  Ben Harper : You sure it's excitement? Because nausea can feel very similar!

• Ben Harper : Look, look, look, look... I haven't done anything for ages. What can I do to help?

  Susan Harper : You could clear up the sick in the downstairs loo.

  Ben Harper : No, apart from that!

• Ben Harper : Erm, what's up?

  Abi Harper : It's just getting married. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

  Ben Harper : What? Is that marrying in general or marrying Roger? Because there is a difference.

• Ben Harper : Look, Abi, marriage is like... well, it's like a boxing match. You know? Two people in a ring, sometimes they're dancing together, sometimes they're holding on to each other for support, and the next minute they're knocking each other senseless.

  Abi Harper : Right.

  Ben Harper : But you know, when the whole thing's done, the final bell's rung, you can count on one thing.

  Abi Harper : You'll go up to each other and have a little cuddle?

  Ben Harper : Nah, you're gonna need medical attention!

• Ben Harper : [At Abi's wedding]  What are you crying for? You're not paying for it.

  Susan Harper : Ben, I have occasional tables that have more sentiment than you!

• Ben Harper : Where is this bride?

  Susan Harper : She said she needed to clear her head.

  Ben Harper : Really? That won't take long! OK, in the meantime...

  Susan Harper : You fill in one number in that sudoku and I'm booking this church for your funeral!

• Ben Harper : Everything alright?

  Susan Harper : So, our marriage is like a boxing match, is it?

  Ben Harper : Ah, so Abi told you about our little chat? Good! Good! So we can move on!

  Susan Harper : If, by move on, you mean I'd put your conkers in a coffee grinder, then yes, we can move on!

• Shelly : Here! While there's a lull in the proceedings, how about you and me sneaking into that little Roller out there and, er, checking out the suspension?

  Ben Harper : What?

  Shelly : Come on! It'll be a bit of a laugh!

  Ben Harper : Mmm, yes, well... well, erm... I-I... call me old fashioned, but, er, you know, your daughter's out there, you know? Shouldn't you be with her? I mean, er... after all, it is her wedding!

  Shelly : Gather your nuts while you may!

• Susan Harper : You didn't really think we'd forget your birthday, did you?

  Ben Harper : What? Birthday? Really? It's your birthday?

  Janey Harper : [Opens her present]  Oh, mum! Oh, it's lovely! Oh...

  Susan Harper : Sorry, darling! My heart can't take any more shocks today!

  Ben Harper : And... and I don't like hugging generally.