- Ben Harper: Susan, you know I'm not very good at this... Look, the reason I haven't got much written down is because I find it... you know, very difficult describing what you mean to my life, because you *are* my life. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up. You're the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. You're my wife, Susan, my lover, my best friend. And I loved you when we married and I love you now and I'll love you to the day I die.
- Roger Bailey: Oh, hello, Ben! It's alright - we're engaged to be married.
- Ben Harper: Really?
- Abi Harper: Name the day? Saturday!
- Susan Harper: Oh, that's wonderful! Which Saturday?
- Abi Harper: Ooh, we haven't thought of that yet, have we?
- Roger Bailey: [after Ben hits him on the head with a newspaper] Well, what was that for?
- Ben Harper: Pre-emptive strike. You're bound to irritate me at some point today.
- Ben Harper: Anyone wants me, I'll be on the couch!
- Susan Harper: Shall I bring you some snacks or do you just want to dine on the stuff you dropped between the cushions last time?
- Janey Harper: Hey, dad. I need your advice.
- Ben Harper: Very funny, Janey.
- Janey Harper: No. I mean it.
- Ben Harper: Yeah, but does it have to be now? I mean... Janey, what can I do for you at this point? You know, you are what you are, I failed you - I'll admit that. Can I just watch my programme?
- Janey Harper: [about the local vicar] What else can I do to impress him?
- Ben Harper: OK, how do you normally impress people?
- Janey Harper: I usually wear a low-cut blouse and drink through a straw.
- Ben Harper: Dear God! Why don't you talk to him about the Bible?
- Janey Harper: Or could make a donation.
- Ben Harper: Why don't you talk to him about the Bible?
- Susan Harper: Roger and Abi are still at it.
- Ben Harper: Mmhmm.
- Susan Harper: Were we ever that passionate?
- Ben Harper: Of course we were. Oh-ho! Don't you remember that weekend at the Norfolk Broads? Whoo! That was real passion!
- Susan Harper: I've never been to Norfolk in my life.
- Ben Harper: [pause] Do you know, I could have sworn it was you!
- Susan Harper: Well, whoever it was, I'm sure she had the best two-and-a-half minutes of her life!
- Susan Harper: I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of Roger and Abi. They're so excited about their wedding.
- Ben Harper: Well, we've had our big day.
- Susan Harper: Our big day was crap.
- Ben Harper: I thought it was OK.
- Susan Harper: How would you know? You were still drunk from the night before.
- Ben Harper: To be fair, I was still drunk from the night before that night.
- Susan Harper: Our wedding was terrible. The band was out of tune, the fish was off and the sex was mediocre.
- Ben Harper: I had an upset stomach from the fish!
- Susan Harper: [On renewing their wedding vows] Come on, Ben. We'll have a nice little ceremony - you, me, the kids - we'll see if the vicar's free and we'll reaffirm the love we feel for each other.
- Ben Harper: What? Say we love each other in front of people? I'd hardly dare say it in front of you!
- Susan Harper: [Startled after waking up next to Alfie] Last thing I remember was watching television and Italy going over to the other side!
- Ben Harper: Looks like they're not the only ones.
- Janey Harper: Lovely service as always.
- Vicar: Thank you. I could see that you enjoyed it.
- Janey Harper: Oh, you noticed me?
- Vicar: Well, difficult not to when it's just you and me out there. Er, little tip: we don't normally whistle and applaud after morning service.
- Susan Harper: Hello, Janey. Everything alright?
- Janey Harper: The vicar just came on to me! I thought they were supposed to be celibate!
- Susan Harper: That's Catholics, dear.
- Alfie Butts: Listen, Mr Harper, I'm sorry I fell asleep watching the telly.
- Ben Harper: I understand that part, Alfie. What I don't understand is how you came to be naked!
- Alfie Butts: I'd be honoured if you'd allow me to bring the gift of song to your wedding.
- Susan Harper: Oh, that's lovely, Alfie!
- Alfie Butts: I don't mean to brag, but the farmers used to call me the Paul McCartney of Caernarfon.
- Ben Harper: That's not bragging!
- Susan Harper: I want you to phone round and track down some of our old friends who attended our first wedding.
- Michael Harper: Any of them still alive?
- Alfie Butts: Would I be wrong in thinking that all is not well with you and Mrs Harper?
- Ben Harper: Perhaps... What makes you think that?
- Alfie Butts: Oh, when you're from a rural background and you're a bit closer to nature, you tend to pick up on the signs. The body language, the vibrations in the house, Mrs Harper in the garden cutting up your shirts...
- Susan Harper: Alfie, tell Mr Harper he's getting his own dinner tonight.
- Ben Harper: Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I thank her - and my stomach thanks her.
- Susan Harper: Alfie, tell Mr Harper all housework will be suspended until further notice.
- Ben Harper: Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I'll let her know when I notice.
- Susan Harper: Alfie, tell Mr Harper...
- Alfie Butts: Stop, stop, stop, stop... I'm sorry for raising my voice like that, but something needed to be done. But I refuse to be a shuttlecock in your game of emotional tennis.
- Ben Harper: Shuttlecock? That's badminton!
- Alfie Butts: Not everything has to be an argument, Mr Harper!
- Kenzo Harper: I like Bob the Builder.
- Ben Harper: Yeah, I like Bob the Builder. Yeah, I think that guy's got the right idea.
- Kenzo Harper: Why?
- Ben Harper: Well, you know, things break, he fixes them, he works outdoors, he's appreciated - it's the perfect life.
- Kenzo Harper: Why?
- Ben Harper: Well, there's no women involved, aren't there? He hangs around with a bunch of machines. No emotions, no hormones to deal with...
- Kenzo Harper: Why?
- Ben Harper: Look, Kenzo, I don't want to influence your view of the world, but I think you should know this now - that women, women are very difficult to live with!
- Kenzo Harper: Why?
- Ben Harper: Because their brains are smaller than men's!
- Kenzo Harper: Why?
- Ben Harper: Because they've got a bit missing! The bit that contains rational thought.
- Kenzo Harper: Why?
- Ben Harper: It's not important. What's important is for you to know that women are very good for this planet - because they're very good at one thing. But I can't tell you what that one thing is.
- Kenzo Harper: Why?
- Ben Harper: Doesn't matter. What's important is you must never ever tell your grandmother I told you this.
- Kenzo Harper: Why?
- Ben Harper: Because you will never ever see me again!
- Ben Harper: Look, Susan, please! Look, if we bring the whole thing forward two hours, then I... I can catch the football.
- Susan Harper: Fine. I'll bring everything forward two hours. But you have to write your own vows as per the original agreement, plus... I want a mini break in Paris.
- Ben Harper: [pause] A dirty weekend in Ramsgate.
- Susan Harper: Chichester.
- Ben Harper: You're on!
- Roger Bailey: Would you mind horribly if you stopped kissing?
- Abi Harper: Why?
- Roger Bailey: I just can't do it anymore! My lips are too tired!
- Susan Harper: Your granddad's pretty special. I'm a very lucky woman.
- Kenzo Harper: Granddad said you're only good for one thing!
- Ben Harper: [pause] I'm not going to the game, am I?
- Susan Harper: You may never go out again!