My Family (TV Series)

Once More with Feeling (2007)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : Susan, you know I'm not very good at this... Look, the reason I haven't got much written down is because I find it... you know, very difficult describing what you mean to my life, because you *are* my life. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up. You're the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. You're my wife, Susan, my lover, my best friend. And I loved you when we married and I love you now and I'll love you to the day I die.

• Roger Bailey : Oh, hello, Ben! It's alright - we're engaged to be married.

  Ben Harper : Really?

  Abi Harper : Name the day? Saturday!

  Susan Harper : Oh, that's wonderful! Which Saturday?

  Abi Harper : Ooh, we haven't thought of that yet, have we?

• Roger Bailey : [after Ben hits him on the head with a newspaper]  Well, what was that for?

  Ben Harper : Pre-emptive strike. You're bound to irritate me at some point today.

• Ben Harper : Anyone wants me, I'll be on the couch!

  Susan Harper : Shall I bring you some snacks or do you just want to dine on the stuff you dropped between the cushions last time?

• Janey Harper : Hey, dad. I need your advice.

  Ben Harper : Very funny, Janey.

  Janey Harper : No. I mean it.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, but does it have to be now? I mean... Janey, what can I do for you at this point? You know, you are what you are, I failed you - I'll admit that. Can I just watch my programme?

• Janey Harper : Are you even listening to me?

  Ben Harper : I'm trying not to, but you keep talking!

• Janey Harper : [about the local vicar]  What else can I do to impress him?

  Ben Harper : OK, how do you normally impress people?

  Janey Harper : I usually wear a low-cut blouse and drink through a straw.

  Ben Harper : Dear God! Why don't you talk to him about the Bible?

  Janey Harper : Or could make a donation.

  Ben Harper : Why don't you talk to him about the Bible?

• Susan Harper : Roger and Abi are still at it.

  Ben Harper : Mmhmm.

  Susan Harper : Were we ever that passionate?

  Ben Harper : Of course we were. Oh-ho! Don't you remember that weekend at the Norfolk Broads? Whoo! That was real passion!

  Susan Harper : I've never been to Norfolk in my life.

  Ben Harper : [pause]  Do you know, I could have sworn it was you!

  Susan Harper : Well, whoever it was, I'm sure she had the best two-and-a-half minutes of her life!

• Susan Harper : I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of Roger and Abi. They're so excited about their wedding.

  Ben Harper : Well, we've had our big day.

  Susan Harper : Our big day was crap.

  Ben Harper : I thought it was OK.

  Susan Harper : How would you know? You were still drunk from the night before.

  Ben Harper : To be fair, I was still drunk from the night before that night.

  Susan Harper : Our wedding was terrible. The band was out of tune, the fish was off and the sex was mediocre.

  Ben Harper : I had an upset stomach from the fish!

• Susan Harper : [On renewing their wedding vows]  Come on, Ben. We'll have a nice little ceremony - you, me, the kids - we'll see if the vicar's free and we'll reaffirm the love we feel for each other.

  Ben Harper : What? Say we love each other in front of people? I'd hardly dare say it in front of you!

• Susan Harper : [Startled after waking up next to Alfie]  Last thing I remember was watching television and Italy going over to the other side!

  Ben Harper : Looks like they're not the only ones.

• Alfie Butts : Listen, Mr Harper, I'm sorry I fell asleep watching the telly.

  Ben Harper : I understand that part, Alfie. What I don't understand is how you came to be naked!

• Alfie Butts : I'd be honoured if you'd allow me to bring the gift of song to your wedding.

  Susan Harper : Oh, that's lovely, Alfie!

  Alfie Butts : I don't mean to brag, but the farmers used to call me the Paul McCartney of Caernarfon.

  Ben Harper : That's not bragging!

• Alfie Butts : Would I be wrong in thinking that all is not well with you and Mrs Harper?

  Ben Harper : Perhaps... What makes you think that?

  Alfie Butts : Oh, when you're from a rural background and you're a bit closer to nature, you tend to pick up on the signs. The body language, the vibrations in the house, Mrs Harper in the garden cutting up your shirts...

• Susan Harper : Alfie, tell Mr Harper he's getting his own dinner tonight.

  Ben Harper : Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I thank her - and my stomach thanks her.

  Susan Harper : Alfie, tell Mr Harper all housework will be suspended until further notice.

  Ben Harper : Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I'll let her know when I notice.

  Susan Harper : Alfie, tell Mr Harper...

  Alfie Butts : Stop, stop, stop, stop... I'm sorry for raising my voice like that, but something needed to be done. But I refuse to be a shuttlecock in your game of emotional tennis.

  Ben Harper : Shuttlecock? That's badminton!

  Alfie Butts : Not everything has to be an argument, Mr Harper!

• Kenzo Harper : I like Bob the Builder.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, I like Bob the Builder. Yeah, I think that guy's got the right idea.

  Kenzo Harper : Why?

  Ben Harper : Well, you know, things break, he fixes them, he works outdoors, he's appreciated - it's the perfect life.

  Kenzo Harper : Why?

  Ben Harper : Well, there's no women involved, aren't there? He hangs around with a bunch of machines. No emotions, no hormones to deal with...

  Kenzo Harper : Why?

  Ben Harper : Look, Kenzo, I don't want to influence your view of the world, but I think you should know this now - that women, women are very difficult to live with!

  Kenzo Harper : Why?

  Ben Harper : Because their brains are smaller than men's!

  Kenzo Harper : Why?

  Ben Harper : Because they've got a bit missing! The bit that contains rational thought.

  Kenzo Harper : Why?

  Ben Harper : It's not important. What's important is for you to know that women are very good for this planet - because they're very good at one thing. But I can't tell you what that one thing is.

  Kenzo Harper : Why?

  Ben Harper : Doesn't matter. What's important is you must never ever tell your grandmother I told you this.

  Kenzo Harper : Why?

  Ben Harper : Because you will never ever see me again!

• Ben Harper : Look, Susan, please! Look, if we bring the whole thing forward two hours, then I... I can catch the football.

  Susan Harper : Fine. I'll bring everything forward two hours. But you have to write your own vows as per the original agreement, plus... I want a mini break in Paris.

  Ben Harper : [pause]  A dirty weekend in Ramsgate.

  Susan Harper : Chichester.

  Ben Harper : You're on!

• Susan Harper : Your granddad's pretty special. I'm a very lucky woman.

  Kenzo Harper : Granddad said you're only good for one thing!

  Ben Harper : [pause]  I'm not going to the game, am I?

  Susan Harper : You may never go out again!