- Janey Harper: Morning.
- Ben Harper: Morning, all!
- Janey Harper: Good morning.
- Susan Harper: That's your opinion!
- Alfie Butts: It's like a strange parallel dimension where Mrs Harper is actually the grumpy one!
- Susan Harper: Janey, what on God's name are you doing?
- Janey Harper: Sending sexy photos to Peter. We've been going out three months. It's hard to keep the relationship fresh.
- Susan Harper: Three months? Haha! I have fruit older than that! Try 29 years!
- Janey Harper: What, you and dad never took naughty pictures?
- Susan Harper: Just once - in a photo booth. We were banned from that Woolworths for six months.
- Janey Harper: Well, it's a lot easier these days.
- Michael Harper: Yes, Janey's taken being a slapper into the 21st century!
- Susan Harper: [Tries to break mobile phone] Die! Why don't you die?
- [Talks on the phone after it accidentally dials her mother]
- Susan Harper: Hello? Oh, sorry mum, I didn't mean to call you!
- Susan Harper: Let me take a photo of you with my new mobile! How the hell do you do it?
- Michael Harper: It's easy. See this button with a camera on it? Give it a good push!
- Susan Harper: Listen, Michael, it took me a year to potty train you, so you can stop with the attitude!
- Abi Harper: Susan, you busy?
- Susan Harper: I'd like to say ye...
- Abi Harper: Good, because I need your advice! You've been round the block a bit?
- Susan Harper: Flatter me, why don't you?
- Abi Harper: I'm worried about Roger.
- Susan Harper: We all are, Abi.
- Abi Harper: He's acting really strange. He's distant, tense - it's like he's hiding something.
- Susan Harper: Do you find when you try talking to him about it, he's deliberately evasive?
- Abi Harper: Yes! What's evasive mean?
- Susan Harper: Ducking the question.
- Abi Harper: Yes!
- Susan Harper: And do you find when you challenge him about it, he's economical with the truth?
- Abi Harper: [Looking confused]
- Susan Harper: It means he's lying.
- Abi Harper: Oh, yes!
- Roger Bailey: I'm too pretty to go to prison! I'll be passed around like a plate of chicken!
- Ben Harper: Nobody's going to prison, Roger. The coroner said he had heart failure. He had a history of heart problems, apparently.
- Roger Bailey: But we moved the body!
- Ben Harper: Roger, no crime has been committed... yet!
- Ben Harper: What are you doing here?
- Susan Harper: I'm here, Ben, because as you well know, I sent you something earlier! But now, I wish to God I hadn't!
- Ben Harper: What? What did you send me?
- Susan Harper: [Exposing her breasts] These! Remember these?
- Ben Harper: Oh, yes!
- Susan Harper: Good! Take a good look! You will never see them again!
- Janey Harper: You won't believe what's been going on! Peter's been cheating on me! Some tart sent him a naked picture of herself on his mobile!
- Susan Harper: [Looking worried]
- Janey Harper, Susan Harper: You can't see her face! You can only see her breasts and he insists he has no idea who it is!
- Susan Harper: [Looking horrified as she realises she sent the pic to Peter instead of Ben] Oh my God! What kind of depraved harlot would do a thing like that?
- Janey Harper: Did I leave my phone here last night?
- Susan Harper: No, no. It must be at your place.
- Janey Harper: No. No, I'll just call it.
- Susan Harper: Please don't do that.
- Janey Harper: Why not?
- Susan Harper: [pause] I don't know.
- [Janey's phone rings in her handbag - Susan takes both her and Janey's phones out and realises they both look exactly the same]
- Janey Harper: Oh, mum. What have you done?
- Susan Harper: You'll laugh when I tell you!
- Janey Harper: You sent a picture of your breasts to my boyfriend? Please tell me you're joking!
- Susan Harper: It was supposed to go to your father!
- Susan Harper: Where are you off to?
- Ben Harper: [Looking startled] Work!
- Susan Harper: In your best suit?
- Ben Harper: I... I've got a lunch.
- Susan Harper: Oh, now I get the eyebrows and the voice...
- Ben Harper: Can I just go to work, please?
- Susan Harper: ...and the defensive body posture.
- Ben Harper: Do you know how insulting this is? I'm going to the surgery now. And I suggest you spend the rest of the day trying to control your paranoia, Celia... Susan!
- Alfie Butts: Do you mind if I do the laundry with you, Mrs Harper?
- Susan Harper: I've never... heard that question before... in this house!
- Alfie Butts: Back in the village, doing the laundry was a real communal activity. We'd all come together and embrace the calming effect of the spin cycle.
- Susan Harper: Oh, Peter! Sorry, erm... Janey's not here.
- Peter: I know. Janey told me about the picture. And I've been staring at it ever since you've sent it. It's perfect.
- Susan Harper: Listen, Peter... really? Thank you. Now look, that was a mistake - delete it.
- Peter: Oh, come on, Susan. There were no mistakes. We're both adults. It's obvious you like me and I have to say I'm really attracted to you. You look gorgeous!
- Susan Harper: Can I... Can you... Can I stop you there? Firstly, I'm an unhappy happily married woman. Secondly, you're going out with my daughter. And thirdly, if you get that excited about a blurry photo, the real thing would kill you! Now get out of here - class dismissed!
- Susan Harper: Hello, Ben! Do you want to tell me who this really is?
- Ben Harper: This? Th-th-this... this is nobody!
- Susan Harper: Oh no?
- [Takes out some pink knickers]
- Susan Harper: Then whose are these?
- Stacey: Those are mine!
- Susan Harper: And who is she?
- Celia Phillips: She's his wife!
- Stacey: No! I'm his mistress!
- Susan Harper: I knew she wasn't your receptionist!
- Celia Phillips: You said she was your wife!
- Susan Harper: How dare you say she was your wife?
- [Slaps Ben]
- Ben Harper: No, Susan! She's not my wife or my mistress. She's his mistress!
- [Points to picture of Henry]
- Celia Phillips: And you knew about this?
- [Slaps Ben]
- Celia Phillips: When were you going to tell me?
- Ben Harper: I was going to, but it... just didn't come up.
- Stacey: What's this woman doing with my pants?
- Susan Harper: I found them in his trousers.
- Stacey: [Gasps] What have you been doing with my pants?
- [Slaps Ben]
- Ben Harper: I-I-I... was avoiding any embarrassment!
- Celia Phillips: And to think that you were Henry's golf partner!
- Ben Harper: I've never played golf with Henry in my life!
- Celia Phillips: Liar!
- [Slaps Ben]
- Susan Harper: Can someone please tell me who Henry is?
- Susan Harper: He was my husband and he loved me!
- Stacey: He was my lover and he loved me!
- Man: No! He was my boyfriend and he loved me!