My Family (TV Series)
Four Affairs and a Funeral (2007)
Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Janey Harper : Morning.
Ben Harper : Morning, all!
Janey Harper : Good morning.
Susan Harper : That's your opinion!
Alfie Butts : It's like a strange parallel dimension where Mrs Harper is actually the grumpy one!
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Susan Harper : Janey, what on God's name are you doing?
Janey Harper : Sending sexy photos to Peter. We've been going out three months. It's hard to keep the relationship fresh.
Susan Harper : Three months? Haha! I have fruit older than that! Try 29 years!
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Janey Harper : What, you and dad never took naughty pictures?
Susan Harper : Just once - in a photo booth. We were banned from that Woolworths for six months.
Janey Harper : Well, it's a lot easier these days.
Michael Harper : Yes, Janey's taken being a slapper into the 21st century!
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Susan Harper : [Tries to break mobile phone] Die! Why don't you die?
[Talks on the phone after it accidentally dials her mother]
Susan Harper : Hello? Oh, sorry mum, I didn't mean to call you!
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Susan Harper : Let me take a photo of you with my new mobile! How the hell do you do it?
Michael Harper : It's easy. See this button with a camera on it? Give it a good push!
Susan Harper : Listen, Michael, it took me a year to potty train you, so you can stop with the attitude!
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Abi Harper : Susan, you busy?
Susan Harper : I'd like to say ye...
Abi Harper : Good, because I need your advice! You've been round the block a bit?
Susan Harper : Flatter me, why don't you?
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Abi Harper : I'm worried about Roger.
Susan Harper : We all are, Abi.
Abi Harper : He's acting really strange. He's distant, tense - it's like he's hiding something.
Susan Harper : Do you find when you try talking to him about it, he's deliberately evasive?
Abi Harper : Yes! What's evasive mean?
Susan Harper : Ducking the question.
Abi Harper : Yes!
Susan Harper : And do you find when you challenge him about it, he's economical with the truth?
Abi Harper : [Looking confused]
Susan Harper : It means he's lying.
Abi Harper : Oh, yes!
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Ben Harper : What are you doing here?
Susan Harper : I'm here, Ben, because as you well know, I sent you something earlier! But now, I wish to God I hadn't!
Ben Harper : What? What did you send me?
Susan Harper : [Exposing her breasts] These! Remember these?
Ben Harper : Oh, yes!
Susan Harper : Good! Take a good look! You will never see them again!
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Janey Harper : You won't believe what's been going on! Peter's been cheating on me! Some tart sent him a naked picture of herself on his mobile!
Susan Harper : [Looking worried]
Janey Harper , Susan Harper : You can't see her face! You can only see her breasts and he insists he has no idea who it is!
Susan Harper : [Looking horrified as she realises she sent the pic to Peter instead of Ben] Oh my God! What kind of depraved harlot would do a thing like that?
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Janey Harper : Did I leave my phone here last night?
Susan Harper : No, no. It must be at your place.
Janey Harper : No. No, I'll just call it.
Susan Harper : Please don't do that.
Janey Harper : Why not?
Susan Harper : [pause] I don't know.
[Janey's phone rings in her handbag - Susan takes both her and Janey's phones out and realises they both look exactly the same]
Janey Harper : Oh, mum. What have you done?
Susan Harper : You'll laugh when I tell you!
Janey Harper : You sent a picture of your breasts to my boyfriend? Please tell me you're joking!
Susan Harper : It was supposed to go to your father!
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Susan Harper : Where are you off to?
Ben Harper : [Looking startled] Work!
Susan Harper : In your best suit?
Ben Harper : I... I've got a lunch.
Susan Harper : Oh, now I get the eyebrows and the voice...
Ben Harper : Can I just go to work, please?
Susan Harper : ...and the defensive body posture.
Ben Harper : Do you know how insulting this is? I'm going to the surgery now. And I suggest you spend the rest of the day trying to control your paranoia, Celia... Susan!
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Alfie Butts : Do you mind if I do the laundry with you, Mrs Harper?
Susan Harper : I've never... heard that question before... in this house!
Alfie Butts : Back in the village, doing the laundry was a real communal activity. We'd all come together and embrace the calming effect of the spin cycle.
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Susan Harper : Oh, Peter! Sorry, erm... Janey's not here.
Peter : I know. Janey told me about the picture. And I've been staring at it ever since you've sent it. It's perfect.
Susan Harper : Listen, Peter... really? Thank you. Now look, that was a mistake - delete it.
Peter : Oh, come on, Susan. There were no mistakes. We're both adults. It's obvious you like me and I have to say I'm really attracted to you. You look gorgeous!
Susan Harper : Can I... Can you... Can I stop you there? Firstly, I'm an unhappy happily married woman. Secondly, you're going out with my daughter. And thirdly, if you get that excited about a blurry photo, the real thing would kill you! Now get out of here - class dismissed!
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Susan Harper : Hello, Ben! Do you want to tell me who this really is?
Ben Harper : This? Th-th-this... this is nobody!
Susan Harper : Oh no?
[Takes out some pink knickers]
Susan Harper : Then whose are these?
Stacey : Those are mine!
Susan Harper : And who is she?
Celia Phillips : She's his wife!
Stacey : No! I'm his mistress!
Susan Harper : I knew she wasn't your receptionist!
Celia Phillips : You said she was your wife!
Susan Harper : How dare you say she was your wife?
[Slaps Ben]
Ben Harper : No, Susan! She's not my wife or my mistress. She's his mistress!
[Points to picture of Henry]
Celia Phillips : And you knew about this?
[Slaps Ben]
Celia Phillips : When were you going to tell me?
Ben Harper : I was going to, but it... just didn't come up.
Stacey : What's this woman doing with my pants?
Susan Harper : I found them in his trousers.
Stacey : [Gasps] What have you been doing with my pants?
[Slaps Ben]
Ben Harper : I-I-I... was avoiding any embarrassment!
Celia Phillips : And to think that you were Henry's golf partner!
Ben Harper : I've never played golf with Henry in my life!
Celia Phillips : Liar!
[Slaps Ben]
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Susan Harper : Can someone please tell me who Henry is?
Susan Harper : He was my husband and he loved me!
Stacey : He was my lover and he loved me!
Man : No! He was my boyfriend and he loved me!