Graham Crowden: Tom

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Basil : You may laugh, you may jeer, but it's true. A prostate op can work wonders for your sex life...

  [he is drowned out by jeers] 

  Basil : No, really! I wake up every morning with all the hard work already done, raring to go.

  Jane : Oh. So tasteless!

  Basil : You ask Dave Cartwright. After his prostate, he thought it was Christmas every day.

  [laughs] 

  Basil : You ask Dave.

  Tom : Basil, we can't ask Dave Cartwright. This is Dave's wake!

  Basil : Ooh, so it is. Good old Dave. I bet they had a job to get his lid down.

• Basil : I haven't scored all day!

  Tom : I'm sorry.

  Basil : And I've got five dozen condoms with a use-by date of next Wednesday. I, I, I really don't want to have to chuck half of them away.

• [last lines] 

  Diana : I like to be known as a person in my own right. Already had to clout Basil for referring to me as 'Tom Ballard's bit of crumpet'. And just shut up about it, all right?

  Tom : And, um, uh, the future, mm?

  Diana : Forget about that, too.

  Tom : You can't be serious!

  Diana : Well... maybe saints' days and other religious holidays.

  Tom : But you don't belong to any religion.

  Diana : I guess that's just the breaks, kid.

  Tom : Oh... Oh, well. It was nice while it lasted.

  [picks up bottle] 

  Tom : Another cup of gin, Diana?

  Diana : Good idea.

  [pause] 

  Diana : Tom?

  Tom : Yeah?

  Diana : What's the date?

  Tom : Umm... the seventeenth.

  Diana : Seventeenth. Oh, isn't that the Feast of Saint Kermit and All Frogs?

  Tom : Oh. Oh, well, um, I don't know, uh... Oh! I see. Oh. Jolly good.

  [laughs] 

  Tom : And isn't tomorrow the Feast of Saint Donald of All Ducks?

  Diana : I'll decide the calendar 'round here

  Tom : That's a bit unfair.

  Diana : Take it or leave it.

  Tom : I'll have to think about it. OK, I've thought about it. Here's to Saint Kermit.

  Diana : Saint Kermit.

• Tom : It was your idea, Diana. I came back and found you in my bed, so I went to sleep in the armchair, where you woke me up and delivered me a long carpe diem lecture: "We have only got a few happy times in our lives, and we've got to grab them by both hands." So you did. My eyeballs nearly popped out!