Michael Bilton: Basil Makepeace

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Basil : You may laugh, you may jeer, but it's true. A prostate op can work wonders for your sex life...

  [he is drowned out by jeers] 

  Basil : No, really! I wake up every morning with all the hard work already done, raring to go.

  Jane : Oh. So tasteless!

  Basil : You ask Dave Cartwright. After his prostate, he thought it was Christmas every day.

  [laughs] 

  Basil : You ask Dave.

  Tom : Basil, we can't ask Dave Cartwright. This is Dave's wake!

  Basil : Ooh, so it is. Good old Dave. I bet they had a job to get his lid down.

• Basil : I haven't scored all day!

  Tom : I'm sorry.

  Basil : And I've got five dozen condoms with a use-by date of next Wednesday. I, I, I really don't want to have to chuck half of them away.