Griff Rhys Jones: Various Roles

Quotes 

• Buyer : [looking at scaled down model of bathroom set with toilet and shower on the scene]  A shower isn't as much use as a toilet is it? Well let's stick another toilet in there then!

  Salesperson : But you've already got one sir!

  [pause] 

  Salesperson : How about this heating rack? It can go just here...

  Buyer : For drying towels and things?

  Salesperson : That's right, yes.

  Buyer : A heating rack isn't as much use as a toilet is it, really?

  Salesperson : [laughing]  Well, I suppose not, no...

  Buyer : [takes out rack]  , well let's put a toilet there then!

  [puts toilet in in its place] 

  Salesperson : [confused]  Um, three toilets...

  Buyer : Ah yes - in case of blockage.

  Buyer : [slightly later in scene]  The bath's taking up a lot of room isn't it?

  Salesperson : Well it is a bathroom sir!

  Buyer : No, I prefer a shower.

  [removes the bath and puts a shower in] 

  Buyer : Put it here and we'll have a couple of toilets in there as well

  [insert two more toilets] 

  Salesperson : [bemused]  That's now six toilets...

  Buyer : I'll stick a toilet in the shower as well, kill two birds with one stone as it were.

  Salesperson : That's now seven toilets...

  Buyer : Do you have anything else?

  Salesperson : No, I'm afraid you've used up our entire stock!

• Huge Scullery : Good evening. Tonight, we tackle a difficult and controversial subject: soccer hooliganism. With me in the studio I have Professor Duff of Cambridge University, author of "Crowd Control Psychology," and Sally Barnes, community worker from the Barrow of Lambeth. Now, over the last few weeks, both of you have been looking into the problem of English soccer crowd violence. What conclusions have you drawn, Professor Duff?

  Professor Duff : Well, my team and I have really concerned ourselves fundamentally with a statistical analysis of soccer violence as a whole, in tandem with and related to a a psychochemical and, broadly speaking, a behavioral analysis of over a thousand individual soccer hooligans. And, we've come to the inevitable conclusion that the one course of action that the authorities must take is to cut off their goolies.