The Thick of It (TV Series)

The Rise of the Nutters (2007)

Justin Edwards: Ben Swain

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : [preparing Ben for going on TV again]  Get him properly fucking screen-tested! I'm sorry, mate, but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head!

  Ben Swain : No, I've lost my... erm... safety...

  Malcolm Tucker : Who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? It's terrible! All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!

  Ben Swain : Yes, I know all that. It just, kinda, fell away. It's like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden with just a west and everyone's staring at you.

  Jamie : It was much worse than that. I mean, how many people see you at Covent Garden? A few thousands? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people! That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his fucking career! And that's Al fucking Jolson!

  Malcolm Tucker : He loves Al Jolson.

  Jamie : The Guvnor!

  Oliver Reeder : Maaameee!

  Jamie : You take the piss out of Al Jolson again and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock! Then I'll put some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist. And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls!

• Jamie : [practising an interview with Ben]  Let's see you do your stuff, Mister Television, ha? Immigration is in disarray, what are you going to do about it?

  Ben Swain : Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in disarray...

  Jamie : Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! Panicked already. Shot yourself.

• Malcolm Tucker : [Julius stops Malcolm and Ben from spoiling the PM's Legacy announcement on Newsnight]  Right, that's your 15 minutes up. Should have been a bit faster off your feet. Just don't clearly mention the policy.

  Ben Swain : Well, I can't... Then you'll have to cancel it.

  Malcolm Tucker : Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, you've just watched me break my not-inconsiderable balls trying to get you the second spot on Newsnight. And succeding! I can't back down! No, no, you're on, pal, right? And it better not be too boring, and it better not be too interesting either, ok? And it better not cost too much. It can't be an old thing, obviously, and don't make it too new. And whatever you do, please try not to embarrass yourself, right?

• Oliver Reeder : [about Ben's book 'It's The Everything, Stupid: How To Get Ahead In Modern Politics']  This is looking good. When's it coming out?

  Ben Swain : End of the week.

  Terri Coverley : Great title!

  Ben Swain : Thank you.

  Oliver Reeder : And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by...?

  Ben Swain : By Victoria Beckham? No, everything in there is entirely written by me, I think you will find.

  Oliver Reeder : There you go, you have hidden talents.

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Ben]  I want you to announce a policy for me. And I want you take the full credit and be the face of it.

  Ben Swain : This is an overture, then, Malcolm. You coming round to the Nutter way of thinking? You bailing out on the PM?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, no, offcourse not.

  Ben Swain : What's your policy? What's your idea?

  Malcolm Tucker : Taking immigration out of political control.

  Oliver Reeder : Hang on, you're giving it to him now, are you?

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm gonna bang you on Newsnight, right? And you are gonna fly this time, my friend. You are gonna light up the sky! Where's your phone? Give us your phone.

  Ben Swain : I'm not... Newsnight? How are we gonna pay for it? They'll ask me that, how're we gonna pay for this?

  Malcolm Tucker : Ollie, where's the money coming from?

  Oliver Reeder : We can just cancel something that's already on the slate, maybe?

  Ben Swain : Brilliant, I'll say that, that'll be great, thank you, Carole Vorderman.

  Oliver Reeder : Well, why don't we say that we're wrapping up the citizenship program with this. I mean, it won't end up, but then they'll find it very hard to prove because we never actually said how much citizenship costs in the first place.

  Malcolm Tucker : That'll do. Ok. This. Is. It. This is it!

  Ben Swain : No, hold on, I've got to have a think about it! No, don't wave my phone at me, that's not gonna help!

  Oliver Reeder : He's doing the blinky thing again.

  Malcolm Tucker : Right, if you're not gonna go on, I'm gonna get

  [points to Ollie] 

  Malcolm Tucker : this giggling streak of piss to go on to Newsnight, I don't even fucking care! Let it be his chinless, sulky little face that everyone sees for the whole of the next week!

  Ben Swain : Oh... Fuck it, I'll do it!

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Ben]  Jamie's gonna stay with you, ok? He'll be by your side until the interview is over, even if you take a dump.

  Jamie : Even if I take a dump, eh? And I shit alot... Smoking and a fast metabolism.

  Ben Swain : Well, fantastic, we'll spend the day defecating together. It's the glamor of this job that I so much enjoy.