- Various: We sat at the table but things weren't going well. We hardly said a word to each other. It was like I was trying to get the knickers off a corpse!
- Various Characters: Bloody hell Paula, you look like you've been in a car crash!
- Various Roles: A multiple sex pilot with my new boyfriend as it happens Diane!
- Various Characters: He can't keep his hands off you then.
- Various Roles: He's a human amagil Diane. We've been going at it around the clock! We've only stopped for toilet breaks and Deal Or No Deal.
- Various Roles: Aww ain't it romantic! Hey, do you want a cushion, Paula, for your muff?
- Various Roles: What you doing here babe?
- Paula's boyfriend: Couldn't keep away babe. Not every day you get to see ladies' regional champion in action.
- Various Characters: [Bursts out laughing] Ladies' regional champion!
- Various Roles: Shut it Diane!
- Various Characters: Oh whatever.
- Various: Scorton captain to the ochey please!
- Paula's boyfriend: Get up there babe. Make love to that dart board like you make love to me. Shag it!
- Various Roles: [Coughs something up] Holy Mary mother of the Jesus Christ Lord! A wooden egg!
- Various: Calm down Maxine, it's a necterine pip!
- Various Roles: Oh!
- [whispers]
- Various Roles: Do you know, I have never eaten a necterine.
- Various Roles: Suddenly, I was swept off the ground by an unseen force and deposited in the back garden of Ancient Mary's house! I crept up to the window, AND THERE SAT ANCIENT MARY, SHITTING with all her might and concentration as if she might never shit again after this shite!
- Various Roles: Surely you mean knitting Magwash?
- Various Roles: Ay ay, she's right, uh, she was knitting, not shitting, as if she might never shit- uh knit again after this terrible shite.
- Various Roles: Night.
- Various Roles: Oh come on! I think the pub got the sense of what I was saying!
- Pub crowd: [Shrugging and muttering]
- Various Roles: SILENCE!
- [Lightning flashes and crowd recoils]
- Various Roles: Ancient Mary looked up at me, and then held aloft what it was she had shitted- uh knitted. It was a woollen sign, with two words embroidered at the centre of it! As I read the words, I knew immediately what it was we were TO EAT!
- [lightening flashes]
- Various Roles: Tell us Magwash! What did the words spell?
- Various Roles: The words spelled... Kellogg's Frosties!